Robert: All right, so let me get this straight it's okay to poke fun at Mom and Dad, but you guys are strictly off-limits?
Ray: No, no... No.
Debra: I mean, come on, Robert! There is a huge difference here! We had to think up what we were gonna say. They were so ready with their attack!
Ray: Yeah, it's like you practice it in your basement.
Robert: You know, I think what we're seeing here is that humor, while so often a tonic, can be a poison to those unprepared to take it.
Frank & Marie: Ah.
Ray: Yeah, great. Why don't you ba-doo-dee-do outta here?
Robert: Okay well, see, a line like that just rolls off my back, whereas if I call you a name like "Nosey Nosenstein"... You get your big honker all out of whack! Beep! Beep!

Ray: What's goin' on in there?
Marie: Robbie is helping your father write a funny speech for Lee and Stan.
Frank: Get back here! We're not done!
Robert: Oh, we're done, old man!
Frank: Fine, fine! I don't need your help anymore! Marie, I'm not doing the stupid speech.
Marie: It's the one thing you have to do for the party!
Frank: Well, now the one thing I have to do is eat shrimp.
Marie: You have to write something. They're our dearest friends.
Frank: To hell with them.

Robert: What's up, Shakespeare?
Ray: Shut up!
Robert: How goeth it?
Ray: I don't know. Here, look at this.
Robert: "It's no wonder Stan was attracted to Lee. He's an accountant, so he appreciates good figures." What are you saying? That Lee has a good figure? Have you seen Lee?
Ray: Stop it! I know, all right? It's not funny. These people are not funny. They play cards and walk around the mall for exercise. They're boring people.

Robert: Yeah, it's too bad it's not Ma and Dad's anniversary, then you'd have material!
Ray: You know what I was thinkin' of the other day? Remember the time Mom sewed his fly shut?
Debra: What? When was this?
Ray: We were in high school and she was sick of him sittin' on the couch all open and unzipped.
Robert: It didn't work, though. He'd just come home, rip off his pants, and hang 'em on the front door knob.
Ray: And then he'd come in the house.

Robert: Well, Raymond, it's official. They love you no matter what you do.
Ray: No matter what I do? You mean like provide crowd-pleasing entertainment?
Robert: It just should be noted that everybody was drunk.
Debra: Drunk with laughter.
Robert: Oh, my my. You know, I expect that from Raymond, but not from you, Debra. I'm very disappointed.
Ray: [sings to the tune of "She'll Be Coming 'Round the Mountain"] No one's going to listen to Robert anymore No one's going to listen to Robert anymore
Robert: All right
Ray: [continues singing] You were wrong and we were funny And you can't stand it, honey Did I mention that you're due back at the zoo?

Marie: "Oh, stop, Ray. I'm trying to heat up soup from a can. And it's very tricky."
Lee: That's you, Donna!
Debra: It's Debra.
Frank: "Who cares! Pay more attention to me! I'm a needy, whiney baby! My pinky! Oh!"
Robert: [laughing] Stop! Stop!
Marie: "Ray, you never help me with anything around here. Idiot!"
Frank: "You're so mean to me! I want my mommy!"
Robert: [laughs]
Marie: "Then go over there, because I'm too busy to be nice to you."
Lee: That's perfect, 'cause she's so mean to him, always!
Stan: And he's such a baby!
Ray: I am not!
Stan: See!
Robert: [laughing] Stop! My stomach! You're killing me!

Frank: What the hell are you talking about? We were being funny, just like you.
Ray: Being funny, just like us? Let me explain something about humor to you people.
[Robert eagerly sits down and holds his face in his hands]
Ray: Yeah, see? Right there. That's a perfect example of something that's not funny! And also ugly! I think that you need to learn that usually what makes something funny is its tone, a light, comic feeling. That's why people were laughing during our skit. We had the spirit of fun about us. Therefore, the audience was free to feel comfortable and amused.
Robert: Will this lecture be available on audio cassette?

Ray: Okay, but you know, I really did hurt my pinky that time.
Marie: Oh, Raymond. Raymond, you have to believe me, we didn't mean to hurt your feelings with our little imitations. But now that I know you both are so sensitive, we will never make those kinds of jokes again. All right?
Debra: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I mean, you're implying that we can't take a joke. And, of course, we can.
Ray: Of course we can. I love to take a joke.
Debra: Yes. Now that we know that you were just kidding around, we are fine. We laugh at ourselves all the time.
Ray: All the time. Laughin' and jokin' all the time.
Debra: I mean, everybody knows that he's a whiney baby who needs his mommy and never does anything around the house... [both laugh]
Ray: That's right, and you're like an uptight, cranky yell machine. With stick-out ears.
Debra: Yeah. So you see, we have a perfectly good sense of humor!

Robert: You know, I gotta tell ya, I really misjudged you guys. You're much better sports than I gave you credit for. And your skit was funny, too.
Debra: Thanks, Robert.
Ray: Thanks, man.
Robert: You know, like I always say "Live, love, laugh." [winks] I'll see ya.

Debra: Whatcha doin' there?
Marie: Oh, this? This is called "polishing silver."
Debra: Yeah, I know that. It's just that we don't often see your silver.
Marie: Please, stop hinting, Debra. The silver's going to Robbie. It's already in the will.