Ray: Wait. What's wrong with me being in this bathroom? What? Every time I spit on you, I wipe you off.
Debra: I know. I know that, and I appreciate it. It's just that there's always puddles of water on the floor after you shower, and you leave your wet towel on the tub. You use my roll-on deodorant. You take...
Ray: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I don't use your roll-on deodorant, okay? That goes against everything I stand for.
Debra: Ray, I found a hair.
Ray: All right, one time! One! One! One lousy swipe. That hair must have been very loose.
Debra: Okay. It's okay. I threw the whole thing out before it ever touched me.
Ray: Do I disgust you? I disgust you, don't I?
Debra: No! No, no. Not all the time. It's just that there's no room for my stuff. Do you know how much I would love to have a thing of Q-tips right here? Or have my curling iron always plugged in? Or my makeup laid out where I could see everything instead of stuffed in a box under the sink?

Frank: I'll tell you why she's happy: She's the king now. And who are you? Look at yourself in the toaster! You're the court jester, shavin' in the kitchen sink. You listen to me, you dope! You take back this house, or pretty soon you'll be outside pitchin' a tent over the sandbox!

Frank: You just gave up the bathroom? That's the most important room of the house. It's the only place a man can truly express himself.
Ray: Oh, I'm familiar with some of your expressions, Dad.
Frank: I'm not kiddin' around, Mary Alice. Let the woman have the kitchen and the bedroom. The bathroom belongs to the king.
Robert: Yes, and it appears Raymond has abdicated his throne.
Ray: It's no big deal, all right? This is a compromise you make when you live with a person.
Frank: Compromise. That's what the loser says to explain what happened.

Ray: There's nothing wrong with Debra having a place in the house that's hers.
Frank: Oh, yeah? Where's your place, Ray?
Ray: I got my office.
Frank: You mean your little wooden desk down in the basement next to the hot-water heater?
Ray: Look, what you two geniuses don't understand is that ever since I did this, the wife has been in a great mood. As a matter of fact, last night, we uh-huh, huh... And no begging.
Frank: And how long do you think that's gonna last?
Ray: Look, all I know is when I said I would get out of there, she's been all happy, and that's good enough for me.
Robert: Why don't you move out completely? You'll get action all the time.

Debra: So, what do you think?
Ray: Oh, it's incredible.
Debra: Uh-huh.
Ray: What do you got comin' out of the tap now, holy water?

Ray: I don't need to take back this house. It's my house! It's always been my house, and it'll always be my house! All right? So just mind your businesses, both of you.
Robert: You know what? You're right, Raymond. I feel bad about what I said. You deserve to relax. Let me run you a hot bath. [turns on the kitchen tap]

Ray: How 'bout how 'bout the time we were at the pet store with the kids and that guy had a monkey? All I did was look at it, and you gave me that face.
Debra: What face?
Ray: That don't-even-think-about-it face.
Debra: Well, you know we can't have a monkey in the house!
Ray: I know! I wasn't going to buy a monkey. But you didn't even like that I thought it might be fun.
Debra: That's right, because maybe I don't want to think that my husband, whom I'm married to, would like to live with a monkey!
Ray: Well, maybe I would.
Debra: Well, maybe I do.

Marie: You two are going to be so happy that you've done all this. You know, when Robbie moved out, I took over the boys' bathroom, and now Frank and I get along so much better.
Ray: Yeah. Debra and I have always dreamed of having a marriage like yours.
Marie: Oh, I better go. I'm expecting a delivery, and your father doesn't have pants on. You did a marvelous job, Debra. I just may have to bathe here myself sometime.
Ray: A lot of nice images today.

Debra: [sighs]
Ray: What?
Debra: Nothing.
Ray: What?
Debra: Nothin'. I'm just waiting for the mirror.
Ray: Gotta pluck your eyebrows before you go to bed? What's with that? You're just gonna mush 'em up, anyway.
Debra: Well, you comb your hair. How stupid is that?
Ray: That's my routine. Wash face, comb hair, brush teeth scrape tongue. You never know when that "blue moon" is gonna pop up.

Ray: Okay, listen. I'll use the bathroom down the hall.
Debra: No, no. That's not why I said it. I don't want you to do that.
Ray: No, it's nothing. It's easy for me. Toothbrush, razor, comb... what do I need?
Debra: You would really do that?
Ray: Not just for anybody; for the woman I'm having sex with tonight.