Robert: What do you want me to say? I need to do the wedding invitations. Amy wants me to do it, so I'm doing it. Come on, help me.
Ray: All right. Here's what you do: You- You write a version of the invitation, but you do a horrible job. Okay? She'll see it, do it herself, and never ask you to do anything else with this wedding. You're welcome.
Robert: But it's terrible, Raymond. I'm not gonna intentionally screw it up just to get out of the work.
Frank: Hey, dummy, listen to your stupid brother.
Ray: Look, look. When we got engaged, Debra put me in charge of the music. Okay. So I found a DJ. She wanted a band. So I found a band. She didn't like the band, so I found another band. Nope! The truth is, she wanted to do it, but she just got it in her head that I should be part of this whole wedding experience. So you know what I did? I sent over this guy who sang and played the accordion. He had a keyboard with violins and trumpets and drum noises. His name was "Zippers, the One-Man Wedding Band." Next thing you know, she tells me, "Never mind, she'll take care of the music." I sat down, turned on the TV and never looked back.
Frank: That's a beautiful story.

Ray: Let's help him with it, Dad. Come on. All right. All right. The first line of this thing should be...
Frank: "Attention, idiots!"
Ray: No. No. It can't be so bad that she figures out it's on purpose.
Frank: Oh, right. You're like a genius.
Ray: Yeah. All right. Well, what's the first line of an invitation supposed to be?
Robert: I guess it should be something like, "Mr. And Mrs. Henry and Patricia MacDougall request the honor of your presence"
Ray: Okay. Wait, wait. So instead of Henry and Patricia MacDougall, we make it "Hank and Pat."
Robert: Okay. That's good. "Hank and Pat." Hey, you know what? Maybe we don't need the "and." Maybe the "and" is too fancy. Just make it an "'n" with apostrophes. "Hank 'n Pat." Like "Shake 'n Bake." Pork 'n beans." Uh, can we do that?
Ray: We just did.

Robert: Hey, Amy.
Amy: What did you do?!
Robert: What do you mean?
Amy: What did you do? The invitations! My Aunt Lynn got this in the mail. What did you do?!
Robert: Oh, my God. This was in the mail?
Amy: What did you do, Robert?
Robert: Nothing, nothing. This wasn't supposed to go out.
Debra: Wait a minute. What's the problem? Oh, my God!
Amy: I know! I couldn't even finish reading it because someone was screaming, and then I realized it was me!

Amy: Look at this! "Hank 'n Pat"?! "'n Pat"?! '"n Pat"?! They're not hillbillies, Robert! "Hank 'n' Pat MacDougall request the honor of your presents"
Debra: Robert, you spelled "presents" like gifts!
Robert: It wasn't supposed to go out!
Amy: You even put the wrong date! It's the ninth, not the sixth. People are gonna show up three days early!
Debra: And, Robert, what is this? "Attire optional"?!
Amy: It's black tie optional! "Attire optional" means maybe naked! There's going to be nude people! At the church! On a Wednesday!
Robert: It wasn't supposed to go out.

Debra: I saw the invitation, Ray.
Ray: No. It's burned and it's down the drain.
Debra: I know what you did.
Ray: Wh- What do you what do you mean?
Debra: Robert told us about the help you gave him. Faking incompetence so he wouldn't have to do anything for his own wedding? Amy's a mess!
Ray: Okay, look, Robert he didn't explain it right. Stupid, stupid, Robert! It's to make Amy's life easier!
Debra: It's to make his life easier! You told him to screw up their wedding! What is wrong with you?! It's their wedding! Would you have done that with our wedding?! Would you have purposely done some... The One-Man Wedding Band! I cannot believe you! You just scammed me so you could do nothing!
Ray: Th- That was no scam! No! He sounded great in the subway. No, l- l- Hey, it turned out great. You got a kick-ass band. Damn, woman.

Debra: I swear, Ray, the only time you call me during the day is when you want me to tape stuff for you because you're running late.
Ray: Not "stuff". Games that I have to watch for work, okay? So I can buy food and electricity for the children! By the way, I don't know why I ask you to tape anything 'cause you never do it right!
Frank: Yeah!
Ray: She can't figure out the damn VCR! How hard is it to tape something? I mean, if I can do it... [gasps] Faker!
Debra: What?
Ray: You could use the VCR, but you don't want to, so you pretend not to be able to. Faker!
Debra: That is idiotic.
Ray: No, it's right-iotic! Well, the shoe's on the other foot now! Uncomfortable and smelly, is it not?

Debra: Fold this!
Ray: What?
Debra: Fold this shirt!
Ray: Why?
Debra: When we first got married, and you used to fold stuff, I would think, "How could he be so bad at this? Look at all the wrinkles." And now I know. You faked it!
Ray: What?!
Debra: Admit it! You faked it so I would do it for you!
Ray: No, no! There was no fake!
Debra: Then explain to me how you can't fold a shirt! Explain to me how an adult human with thumbs is not able to do that!

Frank: All right, Marie! I get it! You're ticked off at me because of all this Amy crap. Even though I tried to talk these two out of it.
Ray: What? Get outta here!
Robert: What? What are you talking about?
Frank: Now, stop ignoring me and make me some lunch! I'm feeling pot-roasty.
Marie: Make it yourself.
Frank: Myself? What are you talking about?!
Marie: I'm onto you. You pretend to be a stupid ass so I can wait on you hand and foot. It's over. [Frank sits down]
Ray: Dad, you just gonna take that?
Frank: 45 years, I had a good run.

Frank: You know what? I'm starting to think you could shovel the driveway!

Ray: Hey, jelly cheeks! Got the mail. Oh, look at this. Robert and Amy's wedding invitation. Already? That Amy, she's on top of things.
Debra: Yeah. Hey, open it up.
Ray: All righty. So how was your day?
Debra: Just dandy. [Ray's face drops as he looks at the invitation and then checks the envelope] How's it look?
Ray: [voice breaking] Good. Good.
Debra: Can I see it?
Ray: I'm not done yet. [Ray goes over to the kitchen table, places the invitation down and knocks a glass of juice over] Aw, shoot! Oh God! Shooty-shoot-shoot! It's all ruined now. I'll throw it out.
Debra: I'd like to see it, Ray.
Ray: All right. Let me I'll dry it off for you. Let me- Let me dry it off.
[Ray turns the stove on and wafts the invitation over the open flame. He pushes it closer until it alights.]
Ray: Whoa! Stay back! Oh God!
[Ray takes it to the sink, pours cold water on it, and then jams it down the garbage disposal with a spoon]
Ray: Well, we don't need an invitation. We know when the wedding is, right? Anyway, what's for dinner? Something smells good. Damn, woman!