Ray: So, Mom, did Dad and/or the ham ever come back?
Marie: One came back inside the other.

Robert: How could we respect you? How could we respect a guy who looks at you and says, "Stop brushing your teeth so loud. I'm trying to watch 'Gunsmoke"'?
Marie: You did brush loudly, Robert.
Robert: Are you helpin' me, Ma?

Debra: All right, I think Marie and Amy are right. A lot of the problems in this family wouldn't exist if there was a little more hugging and a little less yelling. So Frank, hug your sons!

Frank: What's for brunch, Marie?
Marie: Ham.
Frank: Excellent. I shall put on my ham pants.

Ally: We're going outside.
Debra: Okay, but stay out of the mud. I don't want you getting your nice clothes all... Oh, at least they're gone.

Amy: You want some help in the kitchen, Marie?
Marie: Oh, thank you, Amy.
Debra: Yeah, I'll help, too.
Marie: Oh. Okay. [exits]
Debra: Don't lean too far into the oven, lady.

Robert: So Father Hubley had a wonderful sermon today, don't you think?
Ray: Yeah. Yeah, the old guy can still bring the heat.
Robert: Liar. I saw you sleeping through the whole thing.
Ray: No. No, no, I heard it.
Robert: Yeah? Okay, what was it about?
Ray: It was about the sins of sticking your big ugly face in other people's business.
Robert: Have fun in hell, Raymond.
Ray: You'll be bartending there, don't worry about it.
Robert: I'm gonna be bartending upstair- [trips] Damn it!

Sam: Good morning. Does Frank Barone live here?
Robert: What did he do?
Sam: Nothing. I- I'm just an old friend.
Ray: Friend?
Sam: Are- Are you his family?
Robert: Who wants to know?
Ray: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, he's our father. I'm Ray. This is Robert.
Sam: Well, my name's Sam Gilula. I haven't seen Mr. Barone in about 25 years. He's a great man, your father.
Ray: Did you say Frank Barone?
Sam: Yeah. When I was a teenager, I used to work after school at the same company as your father. He was a real mentor to me.
Robert: Mentor?
Ray: You sure you don't mean tormentor?

Frank: Damn it, Marie. The elastic is completely shot on these pants.
Sam: Mr. Barone?
Frank: Who are you?
Sam: Sam Gilula! "Sammy boy" from Pelk Accounting?
Frank: Oh, my God! Sammy aren't you a sight for sore eyes? [pulls up his stretchy pants]
Robert: Bet it's nice to see those pants again, huh, Sam?

Sam: It's great to see you again, Mr. Barone.
Frank: How about this kid, huh? "Mr. Barone" he calls me. You two never called me that.