Marie: Now, Raymond, you know, we are all afraid of death. But the important thing is to be ready. See, your father and I have all we need, right in here. We have our will and our insurance and the deed to our burial plot.
Ray: Where's the permit to the neighbors' parade?

Ray: Hey, cornflake.
Debra: Hi. In a good mood, huh?
Ray: Yeah, I did a lot of productive thinking today.
Debra: Yeah?
Ray: Going to be cremated.
Debra: What?
Ray: Yeah, I think it just makes sense, you know? More sense than burial. I'm not all that gung ho about decomposing.
Debra: How did you get onto this?
Ray: Look, it pays to think about these things. Hey, don't be like that, either. I don't want a big, sad funeral. You know, make it like a celebration. People telling stories, funny anecdotes about me. Like a roast.

Debra: Hey, how about a wood chipper? Then we could all fit into one big trash bag.
Marie: That's morbid, dear.
Debra: Yes.

Ray: Look, this doesn't really mean I'm 6 feet tall.
Debra: Hey, this cream doesn't mean my hands are any softer than they used to be.
Ray: I don't know. I'm talking about death, here, okay? You really think some cheap insoles are going to change my outlook. These are kind of bouncy.
Debra: Little spring in your step there, young man?
Ray: Yeah, whatever. Come on, who am I really fooling here?
Debra: Hey, you've only got to fool one person. And if I recall, that person once asked me if Jell-O was a fruit.

Frank: [sings] I left my heart in San Francisco [talks] Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. My wife thinks I'm in the bathroom. [sings] High on a hill It calls to me

Debra: You don't have to get so upset about it.
Ray: Guys care about height, you know? Just like women care about weight.
Debra: I don't care about weight.
Ray: Yeah, you don't 'cause you only weigh about, what, 140? [off Debra's look] See? Don't get on your high horse if you can't take the smell.

Debra: Okay. And... 5' 11" and three quarters.
Ray: What? No, no, no, I'm 6 feet tall.
Ally: Me next.
Ray: Not yet. Wait, Ally. Let Daddy do it. Do it again.
Debra: Okay, 5' 11" and three quarters.
Ray: No!
Debra: It says 5'1 1 and three quarters.
Ray: You can't tell on a giraffe. I'm 6 feet tall, everybody. I'm 6 feet tall. Ray Barone. Black hair, brown eyes, 6 feet tall. People say, "Who are you?" I'm 6 feet tall. That's who I am.

Debra: Honey, maybe you were 6 feet tall, but you just shrunk a little bit.
Ray: What do you mean, shrunk?
Debra: That happens, you know? As you get older, people tend to just...
Ray: Shrink?
Debra: It's not a big deal. It happens to everyone.
Ray: I'm shrinking now?
Debra: Ray, now, don't get all, you know...
Ray: Oh, my God. I'm shrinking.
Debra: Ray! Ray! [to the kids] Mommy is not 140.

Ray: Look, isn't it obvious? I'm too short to play this game.
Andy: What?
Ray: I measured myself yesterday, and I'm a quarter-inch shorter than last year.
Kevin: Ray, you could shrink a foot and still not be the shortest guy on the team. [puts arm around Andy]
Andy: You could lose a leg and still not be the slowest. [rubs Kevin's belly]

Robert: Raymond, Raymond, Raymond. Sounds like you're having a little mid-life crisis.
Ray: What? No, God. Mid-life crisis? I don't want one of those.
Kevin: I do. I can't wait for mine. I 'm going to get a Harley and a girl who's impressed by Harleys.
Ray: Debra won't let me have either of those.