Debra: Honey, I'm trying to get your attention.
Ray: All right, can you just give me one second? This is good.
Debra: It's a Scottish guy throwing a log.
Ray: For the championship.

Debra: Do you realize that for the last 20 years your parents have only had sex once a year?
Ray: What? Who told you that?
Debra: Your mother.
Ray: What?! What?! What?! Why, why, why did you talk about that?
Debra: She saw the sex book and we just started talking and she told me.
Ray: Well, why are you telling me?
Debra: Because you're turning into your father. Listen, things started slowing down for them when they were the age that we are now.
Ray: We're not them.
Debra: I just kissed you, rubbed your chest, kissed you again in an impure manner, you never took your eyes off the TV. 10 years ago, all I had to do was be awake. Sometimes not even that.

Ray: I'm still I'm still a sex machine. Come on. It was just today. You know, today, it was a long day and the kids.
I had a heavy meal. You know what? I don't need excuses. Come on. Let's go right now, me and you. Let's go mano-a-womano.
Debra: No, I don't want to do it just 'cause you want to prove something.
Ray: I don't want to prove something. I just love to sex you up.
Debra: All right, stop it, Ray.
Ray: No.
Debra: You never want to talk about anything.
Ray: I'm ready now. [sighs] The monkey never learns.

Frank: You believe this game? Oh, holy hell, somebody make a tackle! It's like they're not wearing cups.

Robert: So, Raymond, what is the problem?
Ray: Hey, Robert, this is a pretty good game. We should just shut up and watch it, right?
Frank: What problem? What are you talking about?
Ray: Nothing, Dad, nothing.
Robert: Sounds like Raymond's having a little trouble south of the border.
Frank: Oh, yeah? Mr. Johnson not showing up for work?

Robert: Ray, look, why don't you just ask Dad what you asked me?
Ray: Would you stop?
Robert: What? We're all men. Dad, look, how many times would you say that you and Mom...
Ray: Oh, somebody kill me.
Robert: And look, by the way, you don't have to call her Mom. We got a system. You can pick any name.
Frank: Another name?
Robert: Yeah, that way it's not embarrassing.
Ray: Yeah, I think we're passed that.
Frank: Harriet Lichtman.

Ray: We should be having sex three times a week.
Debra: Where did you get that from?
Ray: These are the numbers, man. If we want be doing it twice a week 20 years from now, we should be doing it three times a week now.
Debra: What?
Ray: My father told me his stats.
Debra: You talked to your father about their sex life?
Ray: Yes, I did, and listen, everything my mother told you yesterday, lies, okay? My father told me the truth. It's the exact opposite. Twice a week.

Debra: No, that is impossible. Your mother told me flat out once a year.
Ray: And since when is she ever straight with you?
Debra: Well, she didn't lie about this, and Frank would lie especially about this.
Ray: Why you say that?
Debra: Because he's a man.
Ray: So? So what? I'm a man.
Debra: Yeah, well, you lie to me about our own sex life.
Ray: When do I do that?
Debra: What does all night long mean to you?
Ray: It's a figure of speech. Nobody really means that.
Debra: Men lie, and your father's a liar.

Debra: Okay, listen, I gotta ask both of you a question.
Marie: Sure, dear. What is it?
Debra: Uh...
Ray: What are you doing?
Debra: Uh, um...
Marie: She wanted to ask us something. What is it, dear?
Debra: Uh...
Ray: Yes, what is it, dear?

Debra: We've been getting some conflicting reports. And, uh, what we would both like to know is, how often do the two of you actually...
Marie: Go to the theater?
Debra: Have sex.
Ray: [chuckles] Oh, this is as bad as it gets.
Marie: Oh my God!