Frank: Let me tell you something, when I came back from Korea, I had no money, no skills. Sure I was good with a bayonet. But you can't put that in a resume, it puts people off. I had nothing!
Ray: You had Mom. [Frank shrugs] Sorry.
Frank: I worked in a restaurant, a meatpacking plant, a bowling alley, and they all ended the same way with the same lame-ass excuse: "Broke too many dishes", "Too slow with the giblets", "I'm sorry, you've been replaced by a machine that rolls the ball back."
Ray: You were an accountant.
Frank: Yeah, by the time you came along, I was an accountant. Not even an accountant, bookkeeper.
Ray: So? So what? That's a good career.
Frank: That's a job! You think I liked it? Sitting there all day? And then the traffic, the idiots. That is life. And you've got to be tough. I tried to show you that.

Marie: Talk dirty to your father.
Ray: What?!
Marie: Say ass.
Ray: Mom, come on.
Frank: Come on, Ray, you're gonna talk some more trash to me?
Ray: No, I don't know. I'm distracted by the shine off your scalp. [Robert & Marie laugh]
Marie: That's good one, Raymond. 'Cause you're bald.

Frank: Take all the skin off my head, it still wouldn't cover Ray's nose.
Ray: Yeah well, I wish it would 'cause then I wouldn't have to smell your head without the skin on it.
Robert: What's that supposed to mean?
Ray: It means, shut up, that's what it means.
Marie: I don't like that, Raymond.
Ray: Well, you too.
Marie: Ooh! [Marie switches to Frank's side]
Ray: Sorry, I'm sorry.
Frank: I actually liked you on the other side better. Because the tilt of the basement was working in my favor. [Marie returns to Raymond's side]

Marie: Raymond, I just want you to know that your father is a very sore looser. But when he wins, he's a gloating moron. Here, I brought you some lasagna for strength.

Robert: I want you to know, Ray, I'm rooting for you too.
Ray: Oh, thanks, Robert.
Robert: Don't get all choked up. It's more of an anti-Dad thing than pro-you.

Robert: I'm just thinking about my childhood and Dad playing us in ping-pong.
Ray: Oh yeah, with the taunting?
Robert: Yeah and the rhyming of the scores.
Ray: "10 serving three, you can't compete with me."
Robert: "14 serving one, you're really not my son."

Ray: Dad, I beat you. Don't you remember the Rayman spin ball?
Frank: Ray, I learned to play in Korea from Koreans. You think some punk kid is gonna actually beat me?
Ray: No, you were trying to win, Dad. You were sweating and panting.
Frank: I'm a damn fine actor.
Ray: I saw your face when I won.
Frank: You mean this face? I'm so sad and weak and old. There's no way I could have returned Ray's spinning ball.
Ray: You let me win?
Frank: 'Morning, Sunshine! Now can I watch TV?

Marie: Raymond, that was terrible.
Ray: What?
Marie: You can't take a man's dignity away like that.
Ray: Dignity?! Dad? Come on, the man mows his lawn in his underwear. He cleans his ear with his pen. He rhymed zero with rear-o.

Debra: You're pretty happy, aren't you?
Ray: [whistles] I gotta go to Florida next week to cover the PGA. I might have to play a few rounds myself. What is not to be happy about?
Debra: Oh, how about my growing resentment?
Ray: Well, you have your hobby and I have mine.

Ray: No smiling. Get on the couch. Get on the couch, we have to talk. You understand? We're gonna have a long talk here. Get over here, up on that couch. This can't happen. This can't happen. No, over here, hey! Hey you, on the couch. No, don't laugh. Listen, turn around, no. It's not funny. Do you know that that's Daddy's golf bag?
Michael & Geoffrey: Yeah.
Ray: Yeah, you do. Well, do you know what titanium is?
Michael & Geoffrey: Yeah.
Ray: You know how hard Daddy works?
Michael & Geoffrey: Yeah.
Ray: Don't you know golf is all Daddy has?
Michael & Geoffrey: Yeah.
Ray: Yeah, smile. It's gonna be funny when we send you a postcard from Disneyland, isn't it? Yeah. Then how funny... Cut the cute crap, it ain't gonna work. Resentment going down?
Debra: A little, yeah.