Debra: And how old am I gonna be?
Ray: I know that.
Debra: Ray, how old?
Ray: All right. I just have to backtrack. Let's see. When I proposed, you were 23.
Debra: Uh-huh.
Ray: You said no.
Debra: Right.
Ray: Then I proposed, you were 24.
Both: No again.
Ray: Right. Then I took a year off to regroup.
Debra: Yeah.
Ray: Then I came back with a job. Boom. Married. That would make you... Thirty...two...ish.
Debra: All right, I'll accept that.

Frank: Ray, you want to watch the game?
Ray: What are you doing, everybody? Debra's gonna be... Okay. I'm gonna ask you to quickly and quietly move to your nearest exits!
Frank: It's the fourth quarter.
Ray: Dad, please. Buckle up and go!
Marie: You know, when somebody does you a favor, you're supposed to say, "Thank you."
Ray: Thank you, Mom and Dad. You're wonderful grandparents. You're not evil at all.
Frank: Let me just smell their heads once more.
Ray: Dad, please.
Frank: It's the fountain of youth. I'm sucking in that youth.
Ray: I'm begging you, Dad, let go of their heads. I'll give you money. Do you want the money?
Frank: Hey, save your money. You're gonna need it. Victoria's not a secret anymore.

[credits]
Ray: Hi, I'm Ray. I live here in Long Island with my wife, Debra my five-year-old daughter, and twin almost two-year-old boys. My parents live across the street. That's right. The truth is, I'd do anything for my family. And done. Oh, no. [trapped in toy castle] Debra! Honey! Somebody call my father! I'm hyperventilating!

Debra: Ray, it's just that. Look, you know I love them. They're my family, too. But I was wondering if, perhaps, we wouldn't have them over on Sunday.
Ray: Why not?
Debra: It's just, honey, every day that you were gone, they dropped by. And your dad is always waking up the kids and now they don't even call first.
Ray: They live across the street. Why should they call? It's quicker just to come by.
Debra: I know.
Ray: It's like we're on the way.
Debra: No. We are the way. We are where they're going.
Ray: You see, now you're exaggerating a little.

Debra: Honey, I don't know how I survived four days by myself.
Ray: I know. Nobody hates going on the road more than me. It's miserable for me out there.
Debra: Yeah.
Ray: Hey, look at this. Cal Ripken signed my hat.
Debra: Oh, that's great. Look at this. Gregory spit up on my shirt.
Ray: I'm not trading.
Debra: Okay.

Ray: Okay, if you want, maybe I'll talk to my father about it.
Debra: Well, while you're talking to him, would you mind mentioning the answering machine?
Ray: Is he playing back the messages again? I changed the code.
Debra: Well, he cracked it.
Frank: [on answerphone] Hope everyone's doing good. And Debra, you ought to call Linda back, she sounds like she's had a very interesting visit to the gyno.
Ray: [laughs] That's funny. That's- [off Debra's look] You know, it's not for everybody, okay? Look, he's fooling around. That's what he does. He's like one of those guys. What do you call them? An idiot.

Debra: I don't know, Ray. It's just that it's every day. And between them and the kids, I just feel...
Ray: Lucky?
Debra: Ray!
Ray: All right, look, I'm home now. Maybe you need a break. Why don't you go out with Linda tomorrow night?Debra: And leave the kids with your parents?
Ray: No. I'll do the kids.
Debra: Oh, [blows rasperry]
Ray: Oh, I can't do that. Hey, how about the time you went to your aunt's for three days?
Debra: I took the kids with me.
Ray: Yeah. But I fed myself.

Ray: Keep it down, Leo. I just got them to sleep.
Leo: I'm sorry. Want to go to Nemo's, get a slice?
Ray: Leo, my kids aren't fish. You can't just sprinkle food over their crib and leave.

Debra: I'll tell you one thing, your folks are not coming over on Sunday. That is my birthday, and I should be allowed one day of peace without them. You know what? I want you to call and tell them that that's what we want. They need to get the message that we have our own lives and we're entitled to a little privacy!
Ray: You're right. You're absolutely right.
Debra: So you'll tell them?
Ray: I can't do that.
Debra: What is this hold they have on you? I'm just asking you for me. Please, can we celebrate my birthday alone?
Ray: I can't uninvite them.
Debra: You can't? Then maybe I won't be there.
Ray: No, stop it. Don't. Don't sleep on the couch! I just cleaned down there.

Marie: Raymond, come in, honey.
Ray: Hi, Mom.
Marie: Your brother's working and your father's out buying one of those bowls for your toilet. So I got the whole house to myself. Is that my large fork?
Ray: Yeah, it is. That's why I came by here. I wanted to return this.
Marie: Well, I didn't want to say anything, but that happens to be a very good fork.
Ray: I know. That's why it took so long. I love it.