Frank: [holding a baseball bat] He's not in the basement.
Ray: Dad, just so you know, we want the hamster brought back alive.
Frank: That's up to him.

Robert: All right, I checked out the entire top floor and no sign of Pumpernickel. By the way, you shouldn't hide valuables in your top drawer. And you could use some new underwear, Raymond.
Marie: I'll put it on the list, dear.

Ray: Oh, come on, Dad. Again with the metal detector? What are you doing?
Frank: Your mother's birthday's coming up.
Ray: Yeah, well, there's nothing here but dirt and rocks.
Marie: That's better than what he got me last year.

Ally: Daddy, would you like to start?
Ray: Oh, I don't know. Honey, why don't we let Grandpa start? Go ahead.
Ally: Grandpa.
Robert: Dad, could you power down for a second?
Frank: Huh? Oh, oh, oh, oh. All right, all right. Uh... Pumpernickel liked the hamster, love the bread. Next.

Ally: Grandma.
Marie: Okay, dear. Even though Pumpernickel has gone from this earth, I know he'll always be looking down at us from heaven. [looks at Frank] People heaven.

Ray: Shut up, all right? Just help me look.
Robert: All right.
Ray: Pumpernickel!
Robert: Pumpernickel, Pumpernickel.
Ray: Pumpernickel!
Robert: Here, boy. Here, Pumpernickel.
Ray: Wait, you don't call him like that. He's a hamster. He doesn't know his name.
Robert: We should make hamster noises.
[Robert and Ray go around the room making squeaking]
Ray: You could use a mint.

Ray: All right, they're gonna be back in an hour. I'm gonna go to the pet store and get a new hamster, that's all.
Robert: Whoa, you can't do that.
Ray: Why not? They all look alike. She'll never know the difference.
Robert: You would lie to your daughter like that?
Ray: I'm not gonna lie. I'm just gonna say, "Here's your hamster, honey."
Robert: I'm telling Ally.
Ray: You just mind your business.
Robert: You're not gonna find one that looks the same.
Ray: Oh, yeah. Where am I gonna find a brown hamster?
Robert: I cannot be a party to that lie.
Ray: You just keep your mouth shut, Copper.

Marie: Stop it! Be nice, boys. All right now. We all need a break. Let's have a snack, and maybe if Pumpernickel hears us enjoying our food, he'll join us.
Frank: He can have some of yours. He's not getting any of mine.

Marie: [screams]
Robert: What is it, Ma, what? Oh boy, there he is.
Ray: Where?
Robert: Right there.
Ray: What? All I see is fudge pops.
Robert: Look at the hairy one on the left.
Frank: What? Holy crap.

Robert: What did you do?
Ray: What did I do? What, you think I put him in? I don't know how he got in there.
Robert: Oh, he climbed into an airtight freezer by himself?
Ray: I don't know how this could have happened. I cleaned out the hamster cage, and I must not have snapped the cage back together tight enough. And wait a minute. Wait a minute. Then I went grocery shopping.
Robert: Did you have the groceries on the table?
Ray: He must have climbed into the bag that had the fudge pops. Look, look at his whiskers. They're all fudgy.
Marie: Ew!
Robert: His last meal.
Marie: Poor Pumpernickel.
Ray: Ally's gonna hate me.
Frank: Hey, give me one of those.
Ray: Will you get out of here?