Ray: What? It's nothin'. I hurt my wrist, that's all. I fell down the stairs. They're old and creaky, those stairs.
Frank: What a marvelous story. And you tell it beautifully.
Ray: I told you it was nothing.
Frank: How many years have I got left? You gotta waste my time with that story?
Ray: What? I didn't want to tell it to ya.
Frank: Then you should cut your losses now and stop talking. A stair story.
Gianni: Debra fell, too.
Ray: Hey, would you shut up! All right? Just shut up! What are you bothering my father for? He's watching the game, and he told me he doesn't like you.
Frank: Two people falling. Now maybe you got a story!

Marie: Hello, dears.
Debra: Hi, Marie.
Marie: Frank wanted some ice water.
Debra: Believe it or not, Marie, we have the ingredients for that right here.
Marie: I know. But Frank likes his ice cubes a little less murky.

Debra: We were having a race.
Ray: Huh?
Marie: A race? In the house?
Ray: Yeah, mm-hmm.
Marie: Something doesn't make sense.
Debra: It doesn't have to. It's a tradition.
Marie: A tradition? I never heard anything about these races.
Ray: It's just kind of our thing, you know? I mean, we do it all the time. Sometimes we do front door to back door. Sometimes we do three times around the couch. Friday, we usually do the stairs.
Debra: Okay, Ray.
Ray: "Friday on the stairs," that's what we call it.

Ray: Okay, crazies, we're in public here.
Frank: Hey, Doc, what's this stuff drippin' into me?
Doctor: Oh, that's just some painkiller to help with any discomfort.
Frank: But I'm not experiencing any discomfort.
Doctor: That's because it's probably starting to work.
Frank: Oh. Way to go, tube and baggie.
Doctor: Yes. Now, a nurse will be in at the end of the day to give you your discharge papers.
Frank: Papers? Don't you guys have bedpans anymore? [laughs; grimaces]

Debra: We can never have sex again.
Ray: What?
Debra: Look at your father, lying in there hurt, and all because we... And now, whenever... I'm gonna think of him, workin' on those stairs, and then all of a sudden, his little bald head dropping out of sight.
Ray: Well, here's something you might try. Think of me when we're having sex.
Debra: This is awful, Ray. We lied to him, and now he has a broken rib. We broke his rib! We may as well have rolled off that bed and onto him.
Ray: Hey, are you trying to put images in my head? 'Cause we may never have sex again!

Ray: Sorry. Thought I had a little more bed up there.
Debra: No, hey, Ray, stop!
Ray: What?
Debra: I really hurt my shoulder.
Ray: Oh. Can't you just shake it off?
Debra: No. No, it really hurts. I think I better put some ice on it.
Ray: Well, my wrist hurts, but you know what they say, you should get right back up on the horse.
Debra: I'm getting ice!
Ray: But the horse! Ow. My first sex injury.

Ray: Man, I hurt my wrist. I really hurt that wrist. Didn't I?
Gianni: Did you sprain it opening a jar of marmalade?
Ray: How 'bout just the opposite! Debra and I had some wild sex last night.
Bernie: Whoa!
Gianni: All right.
Robert: Oh, whoop-de-doo for you.
Gianni: So what happened?
Ray: Well, no, no, I don't need to talk about it.
Robert: Oh, would you stop? You brought it up. You got a phony bandage on. You can't wait to tell everybody everything!

Ray: All right. All right. You know, things were happening, and it got a little crazy. And next thing I know, we're airborne. Long story short, this was no marmalade accident.
Bernie: That will never happen to me.
Gianni: No kidding.
Ray: Hey, she's hurt worse than me.
Robert: So you're proud of the fact that you're such a klutz, you fell out of bed onto your poor petite wife.

Ray: I can honestly say this was not my fault. The lady got a little bit out of control.
Gianni: Really? I gotta tell ya, I always thought that about Debra.
Ray: What? What do you mean? What are you thinking about Debra?
Bernie: Yeah, I can see that. She seems to be very, uh... [French accent] animal.
Robert: All right, all right, a little respect. Is this how you talk about your wife? I guess they just handed out wives to anybody, huh?

Ray: Hey, so you really thought that about Debra?
Gianni: Yeah. She's like one of those "uptight and bossy on the surface but wild underneath" girls.
Bernie: I'm uptight. You think I'm wild underneath?
Gianni: I'd hate to be underneath.