‘Cousin Gerard’
Season 4, Episode 7 - Aired November 8, 1999
Marie pushes Ray to hire his cousin Gerard (guest star Fred Stoller) to help with the book he's writing.
Quote from Ray
Ray: All right. All right, so we're gonna do this. Good. So the book I'm writing, it's about baseball. You follow baseball?
Gerard: You want me to say yes, don't you?
Ray: I'm just asking.
Gerard: Yes.
Ray: Okay. Uh, I was thinking, you know what you could do is read what I've already done and kind of proofread it.
Gerard: Oh, no.
Ray: What?
Gerard: I got a stain on my shirt. I wanted to make a good impression. I suck.
Quote from Debra
Debra: No, you're not Ray.
Ray: Hey, I'm not blind. I can see and hear it.
Debra: No, you're from the same family, okay? So you sound a little bit alike. You have a few similar mannerisms. Your head shape is a tiny bit the same, but you're two completely different people, okay? You're not Gerard.
Ray: Oh, I know, I know. I know, I know, I know.
Debra: Good night.
Ray: Good night. [they kiss]
Debra: You're a much better kisser.
Ray: That's you know, that's not even funny. You hear me?
Debra: I'm just kidding you. Good night.
Ray: Yeah, all right, I'm just saying. It's not even funny. You've got your uncle's butt.
Quote from Robert
Gerard: So you don't live here anymore?
Robert: No, I've had my own place for about a year now. You?
Gerard: Yeah, 12 years I've been on my own, eight if you don't count the hospitals.
Quote from Robert
Gerard: Hey.
Robert: Hi.
Gerard: My mom says next time they're working on my sinuses, they should do a whole nose job. What do you think?
Robert: Well, we were having a conversation about something else, but we can stop to address your concerns, Gerard. [turns to Ray]
Ray: Hey, Robby, you really wanna see annoying? Why don't you check in the mirror?
Robert: Bravo. [Ray storms out] All right, break's over. Everybody back on the hooks.
Quote from Ray
Ray: All right, I'm firing him.
Debra: Why?
Ray: Why? Because everybody hates me, and before he got here, they didn't know that.
Debra: Oh, so you're gonna take it out on that poor guy?
Ray: Yeah.
Debra: Can I make a suggestion?
Ray: You wanna fire him?
Debra: No, but if there's something about yourself that's bothering you, then why don't you work on you?
Ray: Why do I talk to you?
Quote from Ray
Ray: Listen, Gerard-
Gerard: Oh, boy.
Ray: What?
Gerard: You're firing me.
Ray: What?
Gerard: It's just every time in my life someone has said, "Listen, Gerard," it's either I'm being fired or there's a medical complication.