Ray: I don't need anybody, Ma. Especially Gerard.
Marie: I happen to know that Gerard is a very responsible young man, and he's exactly what you need. And I owe his mother.
Ray: For what?
Marie: Well, you know, when Robert got divorced? She set him up with Melissa.
Ray: I don't think you owe someone for setting up a guy with his own cousin.
Marie: No, it was just to talk. They had a lot in common.
Ray: Yeah, DNA.
Ray: No, Ma. No, please.
Marie: Oh, come on. Raymond. Do I ask for much? I think you could do this one thing for me while I'm still here.
Ray: You mean in the basement? All right, relax. Don't go anywhere. I mean, spiritually. Physically, get the hell out. I'll ask him.

Ray: But that's good. That's a typo. That's a typo. Thanks.
Gerard: Yeah, but you would have found it eventually.
Ray: But you found it.
Gerard: Or someone else would have.
Ray: Gerard, you did it. You found something. You're doing good.
Gerard: I might have missed something else, though. I think I was distracted by that whore.
Ray: It's not whore. I don't write whore in my book. [sniffs highlighter pen]

Debra: He sounds just like you.
Ray: No, he doesn't.
Debra: Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's you. "Oh, I spilled the whiteout."
Ray: Yeah, that's me. That's not me.
Debra: As a matter of fact you-
Ray: What? What? What were you gonna say?
Debra: Something about the kids.
Ray: You really think that I'm his twin.
Debra: No, Ray! I was just kidding.
Ray: No, you weren't. What were you gonna say?
Debra: It's just that I noticed your heads are kind of the same shape.
Ray: Heads? [walks to the mirror] "Oh no, I spilled whiteout." Oh my God, I am Gerard.

Frank: Marie, how long is he gonna be around?
Marie: Ugh, I don't know. When are you gonna be finished with your book, Raymond?
Ray: I don't know.
Frank: Geez, oh Lou, I can't take it anymore!
Marie: I'll tell you something, my relationship with his mother is not worth this.
Ray: Hey, wait a minute. You're the one who told me to-
Marie: I know. I know, but he's such a mopey fellow.
Robert: "Oh no, my legs bother me. Ow."
Marie: "I'm allergic, oh..."
Frank: "I'm itchy, ow.."
Ray: Wait a minute, wait a minute! He's not that bad.
Frank: He's a schmo who's got no zest for life.

Ray: You know, Debra thinks that I'm a lot like him. And what the hell was that?
Marie: What, dear?
Ray: It was like time froze for a second. And when- [to Robert] What are you laughing at? You agree with Debra.
Marie: No, not at all, dear. It's just that-
Frank: Now that you mention it.
Robert: [laughs] It's uncanny!
Ray: You think I'm like him and you think he's annoying, so you think I'm annoying!
Robert: Uh, I believe that's the transitive property.

Ray: Okay, um, I just wanted to apologize, you know, because I've been kind of grumpy with you.
Gerard: I didn't wanna say anything.
Ray: It's okay. You know, people have told me that if you're not happy with yourself, you should work on yourself. And I've been kind of thinking about that, and that's why I think that we should work on you.
Gerard: What?
Ray: I- No, you see, 'cause since you're working for me, you are then a reflection of me, and that is why we should work on you.
Gerard: I don't know, l-
Ray: Now, see, see? Right there, you're not looking at me. When you talk to somebody, you should make eye contact, you know? Just try saying something to me.
Gerard: What do you want me to say?
Ray: Well, you're looking at your shoes. You should look up. Make eye contact.
Gerard: You said I wouldn't have to do anything weird.

Ray: And another thing, why do you always gotta look so mopey all the time for?
Gerard: That's my face. I can't change that.
Ray: Well, have you tried? You should just like raise your eyebrows and smile a little. Like this... Yeah, well, not a big scary that's that's a big scary smile. Just a little. Smile a little. Don't, don't. You look like you're in pain now. Just well- Just smile a little smile and not a big smile.
Gerard: I don't like this.
Ray: Nobody likes to work on themselves, Gerard. And you gotta stand up straight too.
Gerard: I'm not supposed to move like that. I think I have sciatica.
Ray: See that's another thing, that's another thing. Why do you gotta be so negative all the time?
Gerard: 'Cause I'm not very happy.
Ray: Well, whose fault is that, Gerard?
Gerard: Right now?

Ray: You even talk strange. You're all nasally and whinily and... Like the word you just said, right...
Gerard: Now.
Ray: Okay, what does a cat say?
Gerard: You mean a talking cat?
Ray: No! A regular cat, a regular cat. What does a regular cat say?
Gerard: Meow.
Ray: Meow, now, meow, now. You see how annoying that can be?
Gerard: Yeah, but what do you want?

Ray: This isn't about me, Gerard!
Gerard: Well, knock it off! You're really annoying. [Ray gasps] That's right. You know what? I quit! I've had it with you and your whole side of the family. I only took this job because my mom owes Aunt Marie.
Marie: My mom owes your mom.
Gerard: Yeah, yeah, believe whatever you want. I'm outta here, you crazy bastard!
Ray: What? You got problems, pal! You got problems, all right? And I'll tell you something. You're gonna go through life blind to your problems! And there's no call for that kind of language! Now. De- Uh. Right now. Agh! Right now, now. Right now! Right now!

Ray: So, Gerard, would you be interested in uh helping me out around here?
Gerard: Uh, okay.
Ray: Yeah, okay.
Marie: All right, well, I'll leave you two buddies to get to work. I'll be right across the street if you need me.
Ray: Okay, thank you, Ma.
Marie: Oh, and Gerard, don't forget to tell your mother we're even now.