Rebecca: Well, now that we have this quiet time alone, maybe now would be a good time for you to present that plaque.
Mayor Raymond Flynn: Absolutely, Miss Howe.
Camerman: Ready when you are, Mr. Mayor.
Mayor Raymond Flynn: Thank you, Bob. On behalf of the people of the City of Boston, it is a great pleasure...
Carla: Hey, hey! The old geezer just keeled over on the pool table!
Sam: Oh, boy. Somebody get a doctor.
Lilith: I'm a doctor.
Frasier: Oh, really, darling. I suppose you'll revive him by having a baby on him.
Carla: Would you just step on it? There are people waiting to use that pool table.
Lilith: It's just as well seeing I just went into labor. Yow! Whoa!
Barbershop Quartet: [sing] Wait till the sun shines, Nelly...
All: Shut up!

Sam: Excuse me. Can I have your attention, please?
Rebecca: Thank God. How are you, Mr. Weaver?
Sam: He's fine. He has something he wants to say to everybody.
Mr. Weaver: I'm sorry.
Rebecca: Sorry for what?
Sam: He just faked the heart attack so girls would bend over him. Although personally, I think that was rather clever.

Sam: I'm going to boil some water.
Lilith: What for?
Sam: I'm going to have some tea. Do you want some?

Mayor Raymond Flynn: Obviously, Miss Howe, things are quite hectic around here. I better come back in another 100 years.
Rebecca: No, no, it's not hectic here. It's all this faking heart attacks and giving birth and illegal gambling.
Mayor Raymond Flynn: Illegal gambling?
Rebecca: Nothing.
Mayor Raymond Flynn: We better get out of here. Let's go.

Sam: How far apart are the contractions now?
Frasier: Well, let's see, they were 3 minutes. Now they're... About 40 minutes?
Lilith: I think they've stopped, Frasier.
Sam: Oh, darn. Too bad. I mean, you were in such pain there for a while.
Lilith: It was false labor. We made this trip for nothing.
Frasier: Well, why don't we wait for the doctor to confirm it. In the meantime, you just try to stay comfortable.
Lilith: How? There's no air conditioning. I've got 50 pounds of baby flesh crushing a major artery, and I want to go home.
Sam: Well, you know what they say? That's the first sign you're getting better. [Lilith closes the curtain on Sam] That a girl.

Sam: Uh...shoot. Frasier? Say, can you come over here and help us with that breathing stuff?
Frasier: Darling, I'll be right back. In the meantime, you just try to think of good things.
Lilith: Like what?
Gail Aldrich: [o.s.] Aah!
Frasier: Well, like you're not her.

Frasier: All right, now, the important thing is to relax. Try to find a focal point, something to concentrate on.
Sam: All right. Good. Let's look... something pretty here.
Frasier: It could be anything.
Sam: Beige walls.
Gail Aldrich: Sam has a nice smile.
Frasier: Oh! Good, good, good. Sam, yes. Focus on Sam's smile.
Sam: All right.
Frasier: Oh, Sam, you do have a lovely smile. Did you have those bonded?
Sam: No, but I do have them polished four times a year.
Frasier: I only go twice a year. Maybe I should step it up.

Frasier: Oh, good, you're here. Listen, her contractions are one on top of another.
Nurse: Ready to go, huh?
Sam: You bet I am. Oh, you probably mean her.
Gail Aldrich: Oh! It's starting!
Nurse: Let's get you to the delivery room.
Gail Aldrich: Okay. Okay. Oh, boy! It's hard to get out of this bed.
Sam: Really? I wonder where a guy like me can get one of those?

Frasier: I'll be right back, hon. Will you be all right?
Lilith: Sure. I'm just counting the tiny holes in the ceiling tiles. Of course, now that you've interrupted me, I'll going to have to start all over again.
Frasier: That's my girl.
Lilith: 1... 2... 3... 4. Oh, Doctor, thank God. I felt so isolated here. I guess I had false labor. I'm so terribly embarrassed because I'm a doctor myself, and I was so sure this was the real thing. Not to mention the fact that I was sure I'd become a mother today. And now I have to go on waiting. I need someone to talk me through this. And please, please, tell me what to do.
Doctor: False labor. Go home. [clicks pen]

Frasier: Aw, look, Sam... Hello. My son.
Sam: Oh, Frasier, he has your eyes. And look at that. He has Lilith's chin. He's got my nose.
Frasier: Don't be ridiculous.
Sam: No, I mean he's got my nose. [nasally] Aw... Whoo! Look, he's so cute. I could stare at him for hours.
Nurse: [enters] Sam?
Sam: Oh, I got to go. Sorry.
You all set here?
Nurse: Yeah. Just give me two minutes to get out of my uniform.
Sam: Are you kidding? I can cut that time in half.