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‘Rat Girl’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Cheers: Rat Girl

925. Rat Girl

Aired April 4, 1991

As Frasier and Lilith prepare to attend interviews for Frederick's pre-school, Lilith is depressed when her favorite lab rat dies. Meanwhile, Rebecca goes on a health kick, and Sam meets a woman who shows no interest in him but has the hots for Paul.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: [enters] Afternoon, all.
Woody: Hey, how's it going, Dr. Crane?
Frasier: Oh, the usual. The crying, the tantrums, the bed-wetting.
Woody: Yeah. That's fatherhood.
Frasier: No, that's my therapy group. What a bunch of losers.

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Quote from Frasier

Frasier: You know, I'm just a bit stressed today. Lilith and I have been looking for a preschool for Frederick. Tomorrow we've got an interview with the administrators of the Magic Hours Learning Center.
Sam: You know, I don't get that. Now, this is your kid, your money-- why aren't you interviewing them?
Frasier: Well, the beauty of private education, Sam, is that they're able to weed out the unacceptable lowlifes. I just pray I'm not one of them.
Cliff: Wa-wa-wa-wa-wait a second here. Uh, what's the matter with public school? I went to public school.
Frasier: [smiles] I love you, Cliff. Don't ever change.

Quote from Lilith

Frasier: Carla, please! Lilith is mourning the loss of a close friend.
Carla: What's the big deal? You go find another rat to hook up to your electrodes.
Lilith: My research never harmed Whitey in any way. In fact, he had everything a rat could want. If he needed it, I gave it to him. That rat was the envy of others.
Frasier: You know, that's true, but I got over it.
Lilith: I miss him so much. [brief, spluttering sobs]
Frasier: Let it out, darling.
Lilith: I am.

Quote from Norm

Sam: Oh, good morning there. Did you sleep okay?
Frasier: Not too well, Sam. You know, I'd have thought that that couch, after all the acrobatics you've done on it, would have a little more give. But I appreciate your hospitality.
Sam: Anytime, Fras.
Frasier: You know, I guess I ought to freshen up, huh? This is what it's come to. Bedding down in a bar, wearing the same clothes for two days in a row.
Norm: Yeah, well, the trick, Fras, is to take your sport coat off like that.
Frasier: Yeah?
Norm: And stand directly under the air conditioning duct for about, uh ten minutes. Take it from me, if you do that, you can go another couple days easy.
Frasier: Are you saying that you sometimes go for days at a time in the same clothes?
Norm: Oh, yeah, you get a look that works for you, you stick with it.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: Well, is there anything here I can have for breakfast?
Rebecca: If you'd like something that's tasty and nutritious, you could spread some of this, uh, bean curd on these fiber-rich bran crackers.
Frasier: I won't eat that crap.
Rebecca: Frasier, you're a doctor. You should believe in health and nutrition.
Frasier: Doesn't mean I have to listen to some tree-hugging, dirt-munching Druid. I'm sorry. I'm not exactly what you'd call a morning person.

Quote from Frasier

Administrator #1: But before you leave, would you like to see something precious? Our Sylvia just had babies.
Frasier: Well, who's Sylvia?
Administrator #2: The school's pet hamster.
Lilith: Oh. Oh, look at that little one in the corner. He looks just like Whitey.
Administrator #2: Who's Whitey?
Lilith: Oh, he was my favorite dead rat that this bastard took and threw in the trash!
Frasier: Don't mind her. She's just overemotional, and crazy as a loon!
Lilith: I suppose you'd like to take one of these and throw it in the garbage, too? Here, why don't you just bite the heads off these birds while you're at it, Dr. Death?
Frasier: I am not the one who goes walking around with the decomposing corpse of a rat in my purse.
Lilith: You're a hateful man.
Frasier: And you are a troubled, disturbed woman. [Lilith exits] But a wonderful mother.
Administrator #1: Well, we'll get back to you.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: Well, darling, I think everyone would agree that existence is tenuous at best. Therefore, all we can do is embrace life. And you and l, we're so fortunate. We, we have a baby, the very symbol of life reborn.
Lilith: Frasier, he's no longer a baby. He'll be going to school in September.
Frasier: Oh, yes, if we can successfully negotiate a preschool interview without slipping into a scene from Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? But, darling, you're right. Frederick is getting older. You know there is a way we could renew ourselves yet again.
Lilith: How would we do that?
Frasier: We could have another child.
Lilith: We could, couldn't we? That's a wonderful idea. Oh, Frasier, suddenly, I'm filled with a glow. Let's start right now.
Frasier: It's all so strange. A seemingly insignificant creature lives and dies... a marriage is threatened... a child's education is almost destroyed... yet, somehow, someway, I'm getting some action out of it.

Quote from Lilith

Lilith: Frasier, I have some bad news. This morning at 9:00, Whitey passed away.
Frasier: Oh, Lilith.
Sam: Oh.
Frasier: I'm so sorry.
Lilith: Just yesterday, he was so young, so vital. This morning I walked into the lab and found him facedown in his nest of cedar shavings.
Norm: Excuse me?
Frasier: You see, Whitey was Lilith's senior, and most cherished, lab rat.
Sam: Aw, gee! [grumbling]

Quote from Paul

Sam: Hey, this has been driving me crazy. I gotta know something here, Paul.
Paul: What, Sam?
Sam: Well, I'll try to put this as delicately as I can, because you're my friend and I like you, and I don't want to insult you, but why would any girl be caught dead with you when she could be with me?
Paul: You thought that would offend me?
Sam: I'm serious. I mean, what'd you do, slip her a mickey or something?
Paul: Well, since you asked me so nicely, Sam, I'll tell you. Paula is what we like to refer to as a chubby-chaser.
Sam: You're kidding. You mean, she likes to go out with guys who are... Who are, uh...
Paul: Portly, Sam. The word is "portly."

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: Oh, thank God. I didn't miss the interview, did l?
Lilith: Yes, you did. I've already had it. They're outside conferring about us now.
Frasier: What did you tell them about me?
Lilith: I described you in terms which were positively glowing, which is the way I'd like to see you in hell. So just remember when they come back in to pretend that we love each other. After that, I go right back to loathing you.
Frasier: I can't believe that you're willing to destroy our marriage all because of your childish refusal to accept the death of an animal.
Lilith: The very fact that you think of Whitey as "an animal" proves that we are completely incompatible.
Frasier: But he was an animal! Well, what-what-what was he? A-a-a vegetable? A mineral? Oh, I know, he was the CEO of General Motors.

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: This is not healthy at all. My wife has gone completely around the bend. Perhaps I rushed her through the grieving process too quickly. Oh. Oh, the poor woman.
Norm: I dare you to look in the purse.
Cliff: Ha! Dare me? Dare you.
Frasier: You know, obviously, I've got to dispose of Whitey break this fixation, then deal with the repercussions as they occur.
Norm & Cliff: Eww.
Cliff: Yeah, I looked first.
Norm: I bet you won't kiss him.
Frasier: You two are sick!
Norm: Oh, yeah. We've got a big problem.
Frasier: Obviously, Lilith is having trouble breaking this attachment on her own. I've got to be the man and handle this in a mature fashion. [grabs Lilith's purse with a pair of tongs] Eww, eww, eww, eww! Eww!

Quote from Carla

Sam: What's with the vegetables?
Carla: Same as always: they're watching TV.
Rebecca: Sam, I have changed my diet. I'm finally eating right for the first time in 30 years.
Carla: 30? What were you doing the other 12?

Quote from Norm

Rebecca: And I feel so good that I thought we can all work on our diets. So I'm making up this little vegetable plate. And I figure if those guys are gonna sit around and eat, they might as well eat something healthy.
Sam: I don't think they're gonna like this.
Rebecca: Oh, they'll never even notice.
[As Norm, Paul and Cliff stare at the TV, Rebecca replaces the bowl of pretzels just as Norm casually reaches his hand back to grab some]
Norm: [eats] What the hell is this?!
Cliff: What's wrong?
Norm: This thing I found in the pretzel bowl. Oh, my God, what are these?
Paul: They appear to be orange and green sticks.
Cliff: I know what they are. You know, when you go in a restaurant and you order a nice, big, thick, juicy steak and they put this other stuff on the plate that you shove aside?
Paul: Oh, you mean vegetables?
Norm: They can't be vegetables. There's no batter.
Rebecca: You guys, you're not even giving me a chance. Now, you sit around and you stuff your faces all day long, so why don't you stuff them with something that's good for you? Go ahead. Try it.
[As Cliff and Paul take a carrot stick, Norm grabs a chunk of cauliflower. They each dip their vegetable in their beer]
Cliff: Yeah, it's not bad.
Norm: Yeah. No, try the cauliflower. It acts like a ladle.

Quote from Sam

[As an attractive woman enters the bar]
Cliff: Whoa! Sammy.
Sam: [facing away from the door] I see her.
Norm: How do you do that?
Sam: I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you, Norm.

Quote from Woody

Rebecca: Until I began eating clean, I never realized how good a nice, dry rice cake could taste.
Woody: How can you eat those, Miss Howe? They don't have any flavor.
Rebecca: Oh. If I eat these, I will live longer.
Woody: Well, I have a question. You know how you're always talking about how you hate your life? How come you want to make it longer?
Rebecca: Shut up, Woody.

Quote from Frasier

Lilith: Hello, Frasier.
Frasier: Darling. What's wrong? You look so somber.
Carla: How can you tell?
Frasier: I took a shot and got lucky.

Quote from Carla

Lilith: No, you don't understand. Usually we don't get attached to the rats, but this one was so special. We even named him. Everyone in the lab called him Whitey.
Carla: Are you sure they weren't talking to you?
Lilith: No, Carla. They were talking about Whitey the rat.
Carla: Okay, I'll ask again. Are you sure they weren't talking to you?

Quote from Sam

Sam: I don't know what she's looking for in life, but, well, if she can't find it here, she's not gonna find it anywhere.
Paula: Paul! You ready?
Paul: Yeah, let's go.
Sam: Paul?!
Paul: See you later, guys. Don't wait up. [both exit]
Sam: You know, this isn't really happening. No, no, no, no. In a few seconds, I'm gonna wake up in my own bed covered in sweat. [closes eyes] Okay, here we go. [opens eyes] Ooh, this is gonna be a long one.

Quote from Woody

Rebecca: I feel great. I've been eating clean for 12 hours now and I feel like I have a whole new body. I have more energy, and I- I just feel better. I'm a celebration of life.
Norm: Boy, I'll say, Rebecca, and what goes better with a celebration than Ho-Hos?
Cliff: Well... Well, Norm, I-I can't think of anything except, maybe Twinkies.
Woody: Gentlemen, I have one word for you: Snowballs.
Norm & Cliff: Snowballs!
Woody: Snowballs are better because they're bite-size. [shoves one in his mouth]

Quote from Frasier

Frasier: Good evening, all. Sam, Glenlivet rocks. Two.
Sam: How you feeling there, Lilith?
Lilith: Life goes on, Sam.
Sam: Ah, that's the spirit.
Lilith: Rather than brood and mourn, Frasier and I have decided to do something a little bit more life-affirming. We're going to a theater and a late dinner. I think Whitey would approve.
Rebecca: Lilith, your clinic's on the phone. I think there's an emergency with one of your patients. You can use the phone in my office.
Lilith: Thank you.
Frasier: Well, we... We've got an 8:00 curtain. Tell them to take two Thorazine and call you in the morning.

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