Sam: Hey, Kelly. What happened? I thought the party was tomorrow night.
Kelly: Oh, Woody, didn't you tell them? I called you days ago and told you there was a change in plans. Don't you remember?
Woody: Well, I remember you called me days ago, and I remember you said there was a change in plans. But I don't know what you're talking about. But, okay, let's go.
Sam: All right, pal. Pal, pal. You're not in any condition to go to this party.
Woody: I have to go, Sam. I can't disappoint Kelly. She's the woman I love. Which one is she, Sam?

Sam: Sit down here, Woody. Uh, why don't we catch up with you? It'll give Woody a chance to change his clothes and pull himself together.
Kelly: Actually, Sam, that's probably a good idea.
Sam: Yeah.
Kelly: Woody is acting kind of out of it tonight. I mean, he's fumbling around like he doesn't know where he is or what he's talking about.
Norm: Have you two met?

Sam: Here you go, Woody. Whoa, whoa-hoa-hoa. Here. Come on, come on, come on. Pull yourself together. Have some coffee.
[Woody throws the cup of coffee in his own face]
Woody: Boy, it's true what they say. Caffeine does get you going. Uh, I figure I've got about a half hour to make a good impression before my skin starts to blister.

Sam: How're you doing, pal?
Woody: Oh, fine, Sam. That nap in the car on the way over really helped. I got my second wind.
Mr. Gaines: Woody, good to see you.
Woody: Oh. Good to see you, too, Mr. Gaines, sir.
Sam: Uh, how do you do, Mr. Gaines? I'm Sam
Mr. Gaines: No, don't introduce yourself to me.
Sam: Oh, that's right. We've met.
Mr. Gaines: No. I just don't care who you are.

Waiter: I see you gentlemen are enjoying the smoked tongue.
[Norm and Cliff spit their food out]
Norm: Ugh! Look at us, Cliff. All the years of pretzels and potato chips at the bar have ruined us. Finally get a chance to broaden our horizons a bit, educate our palate, what do we do? We act like a couple of bar goons at a rich man's party.
Cliff: Hey, Norm. [turns around with a large piece of sliced meat sticking out of his mouth]

Woody: Oh, my God, Sam. Save me.
Sam: What? What?
Woody: It's Mrs. Jane Van Der Hooven, beloved wife and mother.
Sam: Who?
Woody: The dead woman from last night. I could never forget her face.
Sam: Oh, come on, Woody.
Woody: I should know. I dug her up three times.
Sam: Hey, Woody, Woody, Woody. Stop it, man. You're hallucinating.
Woody: No.
Sam: Remember what Frasier said about lack of sleep?
Woody: That's her, Sam.
Sam: No. Woody, it is, it is Kelly's grandmother.
Woody: No. Check her head for a shovel-shaped dent. I'm not saying we did it, but, okay, it was late, and we got a little careless. Why are you interrogating me? I'm not on trial here.

Grandmother Gaines: You're Woody Boyd, aren't you?
Woody: See, Sam? She remembers me.
Grandmother Gaines: Oh. Kelly has told me so much about you. So you're interested in getting married. Perhaps you and I should have a little talk... in private.
Woody: That's a good idea. We should sit down and do that sometime.
Grandmother Gaines: Well, no time like the present. Why don't you join me in the library? Right in here.
Woody: [to Sam] Tell my parents I love them.

Norm: All right, buddy. I've got one. I've got one. Little Orphan Annie.
Cliff: Oh that's a good one, Normie, but I didn't see it 'cause I've got cataracts.
Sam: Hey, hey, guys, look at his. [growling]
Norm: Oh, Sammy, come on. Tongue jokes were funny like a half hour ago.

Grandmother Gaines: Don't just stand there, young man. Come on and sit down beside me. Are you cold? I'm freezing. I seem to be cold all the time these days. [wry chuckle] Feel my hand.
Woody: If you don't mind, I'd rather not.
Grandmother Gaines: Are you afraid of me, young man?
Woody: What? Me?
Grandmother Gaines: Yeah.
Woody: Scared? You? [laughs] Never! What crazy talk.
Grandmother Gaines: Oh! Well, I can't think of any reason why a fine, young, strong, healthy, young man like you should be afraid of a helpless, old lady like me, unless it's because you tried to bury me alive last night. [moans]
[Woody screams, rushes to open the door, finds Sam with food in his eyes and screams again]

Woody: Sam, I hit her with a shovel and she's come back for me.
Mr. Gaines: What?!
Grandmother Gaines: And you fell for it.
Mr. Gaines: Mother, what are you talking about?
Grandmother Gaines: [laughs] I was just having fun with the young man. I got the idea when I heard that he was working in the graveyard. It was just too rich to pass up.
Sam: Wait a minute. How- How'd you find out about that? Oh, that's the wonderful thing about a hearing aid. When you turn it up, you can hear all kinds of things. Incidentally, Elliott, you're out of the will.
Mr. Gaines: Sorry, Elliott.
Woody: You mean this was all a joke?
Grandmother Gaines: That's right.
Woody: Well, you crazy old... [lunges at her]
Sam: Hey, hey, hey, Wood.
Kelly: Woody, what are you doing?!
Mr. Gaines: That's it, Woody. Get him out of here.
Grandmother Gaines: Hold it! [clears throat] This young man... This young man may be gullible - oh, well, let's be honest, slow - but he had the backbone to stand up to me, which no one else in the family has ever had the courage to do. I think you're going to be very good for Kelly. In fact, I think you're going to be good for all of us. I give you my blessing. Welcome to the family. Now, let's eat.