Norm: [enters] Afternoon, everybody.
All: Norm!
Diane: Norman.
Coach: What's the story, Norm?
Norm: A thirsty guy walks into a bar. You finish it.

Coach: Listen, Rick. In my day, there was always attractive young dames outside the stadium waiting for players.
Rick Walker: They're still there, Coach.
Coach: Are you kiddin'? Say hello to Rosie McGonagal for me, will ya?
Rick Walker: Different ones are there, Coach.
Coach: Oh, yeah.

Sam: Oh, I believe you had a question there.
Diane: Ah, well, I guess It isn't important now. It's just that I know this bottle cap has nothing to do with baseball and I was sort of hoping that you'd tell me what it's all about.
Sam: I know- I know you've been curious. I didn't wanna tell you the real situation cos you'll think I'm silly.
Diane: Well, would it ease your mind at all if I told you I already think you're silly?
Sam: Yeah. That might help a little bit. You see, that, uh, little bottle cap keeps me from drinking. Silly, huh?
Diane: You don't hear it speaking, do you?
Sam: Well, nothing beyond an occasional little small talk. It is a very little bottle cap.
Diane: All right. I'll bite. How does it keep you from drinking, just out of curiosity?
Sam: It's the cap off the last bottle of beer I ever drank, the last anything I ever drank. I remember holding onto that bottle cap during some pretty rough nights. I mean, I'd wake up in the morning and I'd have its imprint in my palm. It was flat cos I was squeezing it so hard. When I was tempted to have a drink, sometimes I'd look at the bottle cap and it would stop me.
Diane: That's a pretty great little bottle cap, huh?
Sam: You wanna know something really crazy? The last couple of nights, I've really had an urge to have a drink.

Coach: Come on, Carla. I'll give you a lift.
Carla: Nah, I don't wanna miss the game.
Coach: You can hear it on the car radio.
Carla: How far away is your car?
Coach: A block and a half.
Carla: Let's wait for the right moment.
Announcer: [on radio] We now pause 10 seconds for station identification.
Carla: Coach, the keys! Which direction?
Coach: One block north and about a half a block east. [Carla runs out] Or did I take the bus today?

Miss Gilder: Excuse me. I'm here in response to the ad in the newspaper about Mrs. Tortelli's children.
Sam: Oh, what, is she trying to sell them again?
Miss Gilder: What?
Sam: Never mind, never mind.

Coach: [answers phone] Cheers. Yeah. Just a sec. It's for you, Sam.
Sam: Ah, give me a second, Coach.
Coach: I'll put you on hold. [taps the receiver against the bar, then holds it upside down and sings into the phone]
Sam: Thank you, Coach.
Coach: All the classy joints do that.

Diane: Sam, come on. Tell me you don't think this is because you've lost your talisman.
Sam: Look what's happening to Rick with that cap. I mean, he's turning into a Hall of Famer. He was on AM Boston this morning.
Coach: No kidding, Sam. What did he say?
Sam: Uh, I don't know, I left my TV by the heater last night. It exploded.
Norm: Were you hurt?
Sam: No, no. Luckily I was unconscious in my bathtub.

Sam: Thank you. Thank you for listening.
Diane: Oh, well If I wasn't here, I'd be at home in bed with The Brothers Karamazov. Don't- Don't say anything.

Miss Gilder: Here are my resume and references, Mrs. Tortelli. You will see that I teach all subjects. I have a great deal of experience, and, if I may say so myself, I'm very highly recommended by those for whom I've worked.
Carla: Forget that. Have you ever been in any major military skirmishes?
Miss Gilder: What?
Carla: Look, it's very important I know you can handle yourself. Just stand up for a minute. Give me one.
Miss Gilder: Give you one what?
Carla: Your best shot, right here. Coldcock me, honey.
Coach: Don't hold back.
Norm: Waste her.
Sam: Lay one on her.
Diane: Let's go.
Miss Gilder: You don't really expect me to strike you?
Carla: Hey, six bucks an hour. [all groan] Great shot! Sit right down here and we'll work out the details.

Diane: Norman, you are looking especially spry today.
Norm: Thank you. In fact, I joined a health club today.
Diane: Ooh, good for you. Nice facilities?
Norm: Excellent snack bar.
Coach: Norm, it's gonna add years to your life, I'm telling you.
Norm: Coach, I felt I had to do something.