Carla: Diane, Sam's not back yet.
Diane: So? Who cares?
Carla: I would if he took off with my friend for two hours.
Diane: One hour. And 53 minutes.
Carla: Sam always did like day games. [laughs]

Norm: Ah, what do you say, Mr. Stabell? This looks a nice place. [chuckles]
Coach: Norm... [sings] Nor nor nor-nor-nor nor-nor nor-nor nor-nor [talks] What are you gonna have, strangers?
Norm: Let me get this, Mr. Stabell. I think I'll have a Perrier.
Mr. Stabell: Give me a beer.
Norm: Wait a minute. A beer? That sounds like a refreshing change. I'll have a beer. [quietly] Coach. Listen. Hold me to one beer tonight.
Coach: One at a time?
Norm: For the whole night.
Coach: The whole night? [hands Norm two beers]
Norm: Thank you. Now, here we go. Two tankards of their finest ale. [downs the beer] Ah. Let's talk.

Mr. Stabell: You gotta take it easy. I have no respect for a man who can't control himself when it comes to drinking.
Norm: Yeah, me neither. [pours leftover beer on to his hand and licks it]

Diane: How could you do that to that poor woman?
Sam: Do what?
Diane: Do what. Thank you, Mr Quickpants. Rebecca is a very vulnerable person, coming off a shattered relationship. How could you go off with her?
Sam: She said, "Would you mind?"
Diane: Would you mind. Those three words are all that separate you from a rutting pig.
Sam: That and my aftershave.
Diane: How dare you try to be funny when I hate you?
Sam: Come on. What's the big deal here? I mean, we're all adults, aren't we?
Diane: Yes. Contrary to your assumption, I am not a prude. I have a healthy attitude toward... you know. Answer me one question. Are you proud of what you did today?
Sam: I don't kiss and tell.
Diane: Oh, the pig develops scruples.

Mr. Stabell: It was my favorite audit. It nearly cost my marriage, but it was worth it.
Norm: Gotta go for the gusto.
Mr. Stabell: I like your enthusiasm, Norm. You're a workhorse.
Norm: Clydesdale.
Mr. Stabell: You know, I'm having one heck of a time. I don't usually do this, but let's have another.
[Norm gets up, kisses Mr. Stabell's forehead, and heads for the bar]
Norm: Coach, two more beers.
Coach: Can't do it, Norm.
Norm: No. It's OK now, really.
Coach: Norm, I'm not letting you down. You said one beer.
Norm: All right. One beer for my friend.
Coach: Oh, that's different.
Norm: He'll have a pitcher.

Rebecca: Diane, I've come to say goodbye. For ever.
Diane: Oh, Rebecca, what's wrong?
Rebecca: I'm not attractive to men.
Diane: What?
Rebecca: First Elliot and now what's-his-name.
Diane: Rebecca, I'm sorry.
Rebecca: Do you have to believe in God to be a nun?
Diane: It helps.

Diane: What did Sam do to you?
Rebecca: Who's Sam?
Diane: The bartender.
Rebecca: Nothing. That's the problem. Oh, Diane, he found me repulsive.
Diane: No, no, Rebecca. This must be a misunderstanding.
Rebecca: He climbed out the window.
Diane: I'm going back there to talk to Sam. He must know that he's hurt you this way.

Diane: You're a pig.
Sam: I haven't moved. How did I get back to pig?
Diane: You have ruined a human being.
Sam: Who?
Diane: Rebecca. She's sitting out there right now.
Sam: Mother Russia? I'm not here.

Diane: Sam, she's crushed. I have never seen this woman so depressed. Believe me, I have seen her depressed.
Sam: I believe you.
Diane: Well, you have to do something. She is seriously upset, and it's your fault for the way you rejected her.
Sam: Well, wait, where are you going?
Diane: I am going to bring her in.
Sam: No, no. Well, come on, just give me a minute to build a window, or something.

Diane: You're going to restore her confidence.
Sam: Well, what am I gonna say?
Diane: Well, just tell her that the reason you rejected her wasn't because you found her unattractive.
Sam: Well, what was the reason?
Diane: I don't know. Tell her that you belong to someone else. That you lost your head for a moment, that you're an uncaring worm.