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Friends, Romans, Accountants

‘Friends, Romans, Accountants’

Season 1, Episode 7 -  Aired November 11, 1982

When Norm is put in charge of throwing a workplace party at Cheers, he tries to set Diane up with his boss.

Quote from Carla

Norm: Carla, do you suppose?
Carla: Oh, no, no. No, Norm. Don't look at me. I got four kids and I sure ain't looking for anymore.
Norm: I'm not asking you to have sex with the guy.
Carla: Doesn't matter. I'm what you call a fast breeder. A man winks at me and I'm three months along.


Quote from Norm

Norm: [enters] Afternoon, everybody.
All: Norm!
Diane: Norman.
Coach: How's life, Norm?
Norm: Not for the squeamish, Coach.

Quote from Diane

Diane: Norman, perhaps I can give you an idea that you could actually use. I think parties are the most fun when you can shed your everyday mundane identity and be someone else. Back in college, I held a party where everyone came as their favorite Elizabethan poet. I remember... It was so great, I chose Christopher Marlowe because I was deeply into Dr. Faustus at the time. But I still get letters from people who loved it, Norman. Loved it.
Sam: Say, didn't we used to have a weekly Elizabethan Poet Night?
Norm: Yeah, started getting too rowdy.
Cliff: Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I remember the night you were charged with practicing iambic pentameter without a licence.
Diane: You know, Sam, if I'm to serve both as a waitress and the butt of jokes, I should make more money.
Carla: Yeah, what does a good butt make in this town?
Diane: Okay, Norman, in keeping with the spirit of this establishment, and its patrons, I suggest you get totally down in the mud and throw a toga party.
Norm: A toga party? You mean, where they dress up in sheets?
Diane: Oh, I'm sure you'd love it. It's a stupid fraternity tradition where a bunch of borderline humans stand around swilling beer and vomiting on themselves, until the inevitable denouement when they raise their robes to reveal the depths of their personalities.

Quote from Sam

Sam: Listen, believe it or not, I'm really sorry this happened. I know you must be feeling hurt and angry right now.
Diane: No. No. I'm not feeling hurt and angry. I brought this on myself. Actually, I'm feeling kind of...
Sam: Cheap?
Diane: All right, yes, I feel cheap. I saw an attractive person, a little glamour, and I wanted to meet him so badly that I pushed everything aside and threw myself at him. Totally sacrificing my dignity and my pride.
Sam: What's wrong with that? I do that all the time.
Diane: Ugh. For one terrible moment I actually saw myself through his eyes. I saw nothing but a cheap harlot.
Sam: Oh, come on. We all know that you'd starve to death before you made a living with your body.
Diane: Thanks, Sam.
Sam: You're welcome, Diane.

Quote from Coach

Cliff: Norm, what's the problem there? You're shaking like a meringue in an earthquake.
Norm: My whole career as an accountant, I just sat in my cubicle, kept my mouth shut, right? Today I made the mistake of volunteering for something.
Cliff: Oh, what?
Norm: Every year, the firm has a company party.
Cliff: Yeah?
Norm: Guess who's party director.
Coach: Wait. Let me guess. Let me guess. I'm good at guessing. Uh... Julius LaRosa?
Norm: Warm, Coach. Me.
Coach: Gee, I should've taken more time, huh, Sam?
Sam: Probably.

Quote from Coach

Norm: Diane, strippers aren't enough here.
Cliff: Ah, Norm, will you relax? Life's too short.
Norm: Cliff, you don't understand. We're talking about 100 accountants. Their lives are incredibly dull all week long. I gotta do something special to turn those guys on, wake 'em up.
Coach: Norm, the best party I was ever at was in a locker room, right? We were all standing around in our underwears, pouring champagne on each other. Guys flinging guys into showers. It was terrific, Norm.
Sam: Coach, that was right after we'd won the division championship.
Coach: That's right. That's why we were all in Cleveland.
Sam: Right.

Quote from Cliff

Cliff: Hey, Norm, I've got a great idea. Have yourself a hot-tub party.
Norm: What?
Cliff: Yeah, it's the latest craze out there in California. You know, your Weirdo Central.
Norm: Yeah?
Cliff: You get a bunch of people in a hot tub, you never can tell what's gonna happen. I mean, just today, I was delivering two copies of, what was it, Star Parade magazine. Guess who's on the cover in a tub?
Coach: Julius LaRosa?
Cliff: No, it was Burt Reynolds, Coach.
Coach: Boy, I used to be so good at this game.

Quote from Sam

Carla: Boy, this party stinks.
Diane: Well, maybe we should do something to help pick it up, huh?
Sam: I got an idea. Listen, why don't you go back to my office? In the top drawer of my desk you'll find two tassels and a G-string. I'll hum Night Train...

Quote from Norm

Carla: Normie, I like it. You look like the Pillsbury Dough Monster.
Sam: How come you're late?
Norm: I had car trouble. You try flagging down help dressed like this.
Diane: Where's your wife? Why isn't she at the party?
Norm: She didn't hear about it.

Quote from Norm

Diane: Let me see if I've got this straight? You want me to entertain a man I've never met.
Norm: All I'm asking you is to pour the guy a few drinks and chat with him. You don't have to go home with him or anything. Though if you do, I'll drive. I'm joking around, Diane.
Diane: Norman, I'm going to walk away and pretend that you never asked me to do this.
Norm: Hey, Diane, this could work out for you, too. You might like this guy. He's intelligent. He went to Harvard Business School.
Diane: Sam?
Sam: It's true. I can't believe your job depends on you finding this guy a woman.
Diane: That's right. What you're doing is demeaning and dehumanising, not just to me but to yourself.
Norm: I get it. You think I'm a kissy, right? It's easy for you two to talk. Diane's attractive, she's got brains. Sammy, hey, good-looking guy, a baseball star. I've got nothing. My only hope in life is to find someone with something and try to make them like me.
Sam: Norm-
Norm: Yes, yes. So as long as there are boots to be licked, apples to be polished and fannies to be kissed, I'll be there.
Diane: First time I saw a man strut and grovel at the same time.

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