Ava: Mr. Johnson, we need you to sub again. And this time, don't tell them that there's a colony of lizard people living underneath the Denver Airport.
Mr. Johnson: I thought we were here to educate. But I can't sub. Janitorial emergency.
[aside to camera:]
Mr. Johnson: The emergency is... I don't feel like it right now.

Janine: [aside to camera] I feel a lot better, actually. Yeah, I've calmed down the tuna sweats, and I managed to get my work clothes on. Most of them. [exhales heavily] I have never missed a day of work. Even when Tariq gave me a migraine from playing Call of Duty for 48 hours straight, I still went in. He said that if the good guys do nothing, then the terrorists win. My kids have a spelling test today. [stomach gurgles] It's gonna take a lot more than a bacteria sandwich to stop me. [stomach gurgles] Okay. Stomach's just a little bit rumbly still. No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Mnh. Could you just turn the cameras off for a little bit, please? Thank you!

Ava: Okay, y'all. I get it. Ms. Teagues is gone today, and we are all very excited about that, but you have got to stay in this room. Other than that, do whatever you do. You don't bother me, and I won't bother you.
[aside to camera:]
Ava: Filling in for Ms. Teagues? It's no Christopher Wallace. No biggie.

Girl: Can we have some stickers?
Ava: What do I care? Go nuts. Need anything else, ask each other. It takes a village and whatnot.
Girl: Yes!
Ava: Why y'all following me?
Boy: That's the story time chair.
Ava: Well, now it's the chair I'm using to hack into Chet Hanks' Instagram. You know he don't have two-step verification.
Girl: What about this book?
Boy: No! This one!
Ava: How about y'all read whatever you want, alone?

Ava: "First of all, good morning." Ugh. Shut up, Janine. "Step one, write the date on the board." And get my hands all chalky? No. "Step two, turn on the lights." Now, what kind of idiot wouldn't immediately turn on the... [chuckles] Oh, yeah. I was just about to do that. [light switch clicks] Now, I was the last one in here, so that was on y'all. Okay. "Step three. Play this DVD"? Where the hell she get this from? Blockbuster? [giggles] [disc drive clacks]
Janine: [on video] Hi, students. It's me, Ms. Teagues. And if you're watching this, it means it's too late for me. [students gasp] To come in today.
Ava: [stops video] Nobody wants to see some creepy ghost Janine crawl through that screen. Good Lord, Janine. No wonder you ain't got no friends. [chuckles] Boring. Not gonna do that. That's dumb. Oh! Here we go. "Step eight, play my creativity mix while they draw." Now, music I can get with. But not these Kidz Bop beats. [keyboard clacks]
Music: ♪ You said that I've been actin' different, yeah ♪ ♪ Funny how I finally flipped the script on ya ♪
Ava: Alright, kids, time to take your spelling test.
Girl: We didn't finish story time!
Boy: You didn't even write the date on the board!
Ava: Why do you need to know the date? You got a meeting later? Use your imagination. Just take the test.
[aside to camera:]
Ava: I am never having kids.

Janine: [aside to camera] I took some medicine. [cellphone buzzing] Imodium... melatonin... Pepto... Bismol... and something Erika brought back from Mexico. [cellphone buzzing] And I'm feeling better already. [chuckles] I'm pretty sure Space Jam was based on a true story, though, and they just don't want you to know. [chuckles] Mmm!

Ava: Quitting? This class isn't my problem.
Gregory: Did you at least get them to retake their tests?
Ava: Who cares? They can take it on Monday. It's just one day.
Gregory: Ava, that's what I thought when I was a sub, that just one day wouldn't matter, but it does. Janine works really hard to prepare them for these tests. And it's important that the kids see their progress, okay? They're second graders. Every day matters in school. If not, they'll just fall behind.
Ava: Well, falling behind is great. You get to walk at your own pace and talk and nobody's shushing you.
Gregory: Did you at least do everything in the binder?
Ava: Damn. You know about her little nerd binder, too? Parts of it. Some of it was dumb. Like putting the date on the board.
Gregory: You didn't put the date on the board? It's the start of their routine. No wonder they're unmoored.
Ava: Stop using fake words.

Ava: Okay, class. Let's do this. "Step one, date on board." Why can't you just look at your phones like normal people?

Ava: Come on. What are y'all doing? Get over here. It's story time. [students chattering] Amelia Bedelia? Who wants to read about an annoying woman that can't follow simple instructions? [a student crosses his arms and looks grumpy] I'm not Ms. Teagues. If you have something mean to say, just say it. [the boy sits down]
Trinity: What about Eloise?
Ava: That little girl at the New York Plaza? She's alright, but I got some real Plaza stories for you. You ever heard of Ghostface Killah? So, it's me and Redman. It's nineteen ninety... You know what? Let's save that for another time. Who's ready for story time?! [hands go up] Come on, y'all. This ain't some white concert. Make some noise!
Students: Yay!
Ava: Alright, then. Let's get into it.
[aside to camera:]
Ava: Okay. Maybe the binder isn't so dumb.
[aside to camera:]
Trinity: I really wanted to hear the Ghostface story.

Student: Ms. Cold-man? Is this you?
Ava: Unless you got $14.95 and you want the luxury of a spa in the comfort of your home, flip that over.