Don: I got the stuff, Dick. What's the emergency?
Dick: What's the emergency?! I've got a commuter line due at 6:13 and no one's there to board the train! [blows train whistle] Oh, no! The Erie-Lackawanna's right on time! Here, Don, hand me those commuters! Okay. Okay, junior, you hold the vicar's hand now. Porter! Porter! Oh, good. We made it.
Don: Uh... Dick, you know, why don't we take a little breather and get a couple of drinks?
Dick: Oh, and when? I got to glue the orange roof on my Howard Johnson's.
Don: Yeah, I understand, but, you know, maybe things will slow down a bit.
Dick: Oh. Not likely. [blows whistle] All aboard! Next stop, White Plains! Choo choo choo choo. [blows train whistle]

Nina: Dr. Solomon, this arrived in the mail.
Dick: Oh, good. My hospital's here.
Nina: Your tiny little doctors will be so relieved.
Dick: Hmm. I guess.

Mary: Dick, what's bothering you?
Dick: Well, nobody likes me.
Mary: Oh, I find that hard to believe.
Dick: You do?
Mary: Well, sure. Oh, okay, so we broke up, but- but I saw something in you once. Surely someone else will see that, too.
Dick: Really? That means a lot, coming from someone who's pretty great herself.
Mary: Well, I meant it.
Dick: I meant it, too.
Mary: Thank you.
Dick: You want to do it?
Mary: No!
Dick: I understand completely.

Dick: Have a good time, Sally.
Sally: I hope she likes you.
Dick: Thanks. I hope he tells you to piss off.
Sally: I've got my fingers crossed.

Don: So... so... so I'm reading the Miranda rights to this girl whose name actually turns out to be Miranda! [laughter]

Don: Wouldn't you know it? We're out of jicama. We need to get some jicama. Come on, Dick, let's get some jicama. jicama. Let's get some jicama.
Dick: Which one is jicama?
Don: I don't know and I don't care!

Don: Feta! Oh, we're out of feta! We need to get some feta. Let's get some feta.
Dick: Which one is feta?
Don: I don't know!

Celia: So, Dick, um do you have any hobbies?
Dick: Hobbies?
Don: Hobbies? No, no-
Dick: As a matter of fact, I do!
Don: Croutons!

Dick: Lately, I've been spending a lot of time fooling around with models.
Don: [tapping cup] Dick.
Dick: Don thinks I shouldn't talk about it. He thinks models are dumb. But, actually, most of them are very exciting and fun.
Celia: Why is it the fantasy of every loser to date models?
Dick: Date? What are you talking about?
Celia: Well, what are you talking about?
Dick: Model trains.
Celia: Oh, my God. I'm so- I- I- I- I thought you meant models. You know, women.
Dick: Oh, models. Tall, leggy models. [laughter]
Don: Dick with beautiful models. That's a funny one.
Dick: Yeah. If I was hanging around with models, why would I be here tonight? [Dick laughs]

Dick: Oh, I- I am so sorry. That came out all wrong. You see, that's exactly why I'm such a loser! I'm not suave with all the slick lines and the right things to say. I'm lucky to be here with anybody, especially with women as nice as the two of you.
Bibi: Oh, you're not that bad.
Dick: No, really, I- I'm sorry. I have ruined your whole evening. I've just come out of a relationship with a woman that I gave my heart and soul to, and I- I- I- I'm just not very good at this. I'm sorry.
Both: Aww.
Celia: Oh, no, you're doing just fine.
Dick: I am?
Don: He is?