Mary: What are you doing? You look like a fool.
Dick: Here, Mary. Put this apple on your head. There's a good chance I'll be able to whip it off.
Mary: Oh, gimme the whip.
Dick: What?
Mary: Give me the whip. Give me the machete.
Dick: I'm not giving you the treasure map.
Mary: Gimme the treasure map.
Dick: Now don't show it to anybody.

Mary: This is your square foot, right here.
Dick: Mm-hm.
Mary: Okay. Now take the trowel, and the sable brush, and the air bulb. And gingerly dust away the sediment, one thin layer at a time.
Dick: Oh, come on. Let me use some of my dynamite. A couple of M-80's, and we'll be picking sacred Pawchuk crap out of our hair.
Mary: This is how we do it.
Dick: Great. Why don't I just take a nap, and see if anything sticks to my back?

Sally: [on the phone] Hello to you, too. Listen. I have some guests, who are dying to take a tour of the mayor's residence. Excuse me? Look, I voted for your husband. So the least you could do is let some strangers poke around your condo. Oh, really? Well, the same to you, Mrs. McCheese! [hangs up] Bad news. She's recovering from lipo.

Tommy: Harry, did you change the sheets in the guest room?
Harry: Oh. Uh, better. I put on some cologne and rolled around on 'em.
Tommy: Just change them, okay? And I'm gonna need you to make some radish flowers for tonight crudites.
[fingers snapping] Get to it.
Harry: Why? What's with the snapping?
Tommy: It's the international sign for "Get to it".
Harry: Either snap or say "Get to it." You don't have to do both.
Tommy: [finger snaps]
Harry: What?

Sally: Harry? I just noticed that the sand ashtray does not have an impression of our hotel's crest.
Harry: Mm. What's our hotel's crest?
Sally: A giant "S" with a deadly python! [hisses]

Mary: Dick, do you realize that hundreds of years ago, Indians raised families here, and hunted here, and built villages here?
Dick: Well, they had the good sense to die here. I wish I was with 'em. I've been out here for five hours, and all I've found is this long pointy rock.
Mary: Wait a minute. Let me see that. This isn't a rock. This is a spear head.
Dick: It is? Are you sure?
Mary: I'm telling you, this is over 400 years old. Look at those edges.
Dick: Oh, my God! It is a spear head. If you can't see that, Mary, you're a blind fool!

Harry: That lady doesn't know her ass from her apple cider.
Tommy: And you don't know anything about the hotel business. What the customer wants, the customer gets.
Harry: Yeah. Sally gets them reservations, and you get 'em flower arrangements, and I get to get 'em toilet paper. It's just not fair.
Tommy: I don't care what's fair. What I care about is four stars in the Crown Travel Guide.
Harry: Well, I think that's bogus.
Tommy: Then I think you're fired!
Harry: You can't fire me! I quit!
Tommy: All right. Then understand this. If you quit, you're fired.
Harry: I quit!
Tommy: You're fired!
Harry: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Where did that come from?

Dick: Who held this magnificent pointy stone? Some mighty warrior? Or perhaps a tiny Pawchuk brave, whose mother said, "Be careful, Freddy. You'll put an eye out with that thing."
Mary: You know, you're not even supposed to have that in here. All artifacts are supposed to be inventoried and kept in the supply tent.
Dick: I bet he was fat. A big fat guy, walking around, jabbing at bison like he owned the place. Or maybe he was a little girl.

Tommy: Can't believe Harry quit on us. Left us with all this work.
Sally: I told you to do a background check.
Tommy: I mean, he came so highly recommended.

Mary: Why do I do this? I just keep going through life, trying to find new ways to prove what a loser I am.
Dick: Oh, Mary. Stop. You don't have to prove that to me.