‘Dial M for Dick’
Season 5, Episode 4 - Aired November 9, 1999
Dick and his family join Mary at a murder mystery weekend, even though they're not familiar with the concept. [Guest star Billy Connolly]
Quote from Harry
Chip: A tad more wine, Mrs. Wallencott?
Mrs. Wallencott: Why, Chip, I hope you're not trying to get me drunk so you can take advantage of me.
Chip: Certainly not, Mrs. Wallencott.
Harry: Mrs. Wallencott. You are having this conversation right in front of your husband. What say we take it on down to the drawing room, and leave the pretty boy behind with the cheese. [licks her hand]
Quote from Dick
Dick: So, inspector, any breakthroughs?
Inspector Macaffery: No, but the game's afoot, I dare say.
Dick: You know, I could assist you in all this. What if we collected some bits of physical evidence?
Inspector Macaffery: Uh-huh?
Dick: You know, cigar butts, lipstick stains, a monogrammed lighter, a monogrammed handkerchief, a monogrammed towel, a monogrammed shirt, anything monogrammed would be really good.
Inspector Macaffery: Right, well, let's not get overeager, hmm? Why don't you sit back and take in the events as they unfold?
Dick: But there's a murderer among us!
Inspector Macaffery: Yes, and he'll be among us all weekend. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must phone Scotland Yard.
Quote from Tommy
Tommy: Okay, this might sound crazy, right, but what if Eames did it?
Harry: You think the butler did it? Well, that's a little far-fetched.
Dick: Well, think about it. Who gave Albright the poison prawns?
Sally: Uh-oh, Tommy you haven't been very nice to Eames.
Tommy: No, you picked on him first. I'm a teenager, I couldn't resist.
Sally: Whatever.
Quote from Tommy
Tommy: Ah! Eames. Hi, man, how are you doing? Listen, you got a first name?
Eames: Eames.
Tommy: You and me, Eames, uh, we're cool, right?
Eames: No, sir.
Quote from Dick
Dick: Colonel Pinkham, we need your help. This inspector has some agenda of his own that I don't understand. I think-- [Colonel Pinkham gasps] Colonel? [Colonel Pinkham gags] Colonel? [maid screams] He's dead! My dear friend Colonel Pinkham has been murdered!
Eames: A selection of domestic ports will be served in the foyer.
Harry: That's it! I'm not staying for the show.
Quote from Dick
Dick: Who is responsible?
Tommy: Ooh! Mrs. Wallencott.
Inspector Macaffery: Oh, lord.
Tommy: Silence!
Dick: One hour ago, I was rifling through Mrs. Runquist's suitcase.
Mrs. Runquist: How dare you go through my things?
Dick: How dare you own a leopard thong!