Mary: Now, just relax. You've got to calm down.
Dick: How can I calm down? I feel so utterly exposed and vulnerable... and not in that fun spanky way.
Mary: It's all right. You're safe now.
Dick: What kind of a place is this where you can't wave handfuls of money around in the middle of the night?

Dick: Oh, why did this have to happen?
Mary: It was late.
Dick: Why did I have to be at that place at that time, taking out all that money?
Mary: Don't blame yourself.
Dick: I don't, I blame you!
Mary: What?!
Dick: You had to agree to go out with me. You always turn me down. Why did you pick now to say yes?
Mary: I don't know.
Dick: You see, you weren't thinking.
Mary: You can't take a random act and turn it around to blame an innocent person.
Dick: Just watch me.

Mary: How are you feeling?
Dick: Wired, thank you. My entire house is wired for security. And this afternoon I'm getting an alarm system for the car.
Mary: Oh, good. Now all you need is an armed guard to walk you from the house to the car. Then you'll be all set.
Dick: What a good idea. A big scary one. I could hire a criminal.
Mary: Ooh.
Dick: They're taking my money anyway. Why not give it to them hourly?

August: You know, I'm real proud of you.
Tommy: For what, the way I slipped in and out of consciousness?
August: No, for the way you were unashamed to show how nonathletic you are.

Tommy: Look, August, I've been thinking about this. I've been trying to do everything that you think that I should do, but it's just not working. And I'm sorry if this redefines the parameters of our relationship. But you're just going to have to accept me for who I am, regardless if I'm short or lousy at basketball or whatever!
August: You know, I kind of like it when you're assertive like this.
Tommy: You do?
August: But not all the time.
Tommy: Oh. Well, how often do you think I should be assertive?
August: Well, Tommy, if I told you that...
Tommy: Right, right. I'll figure it out, I'll figure it out. Is now a good time?
August: Sure.
Tommy: Come on.

Don: No, we need you to I.D. your assailant.
Dick: Oh... I-I-I hope I can remember what he looks like. I didn't really get a good look at him. It was dark, and it happened so quick. You! [jumps the mugger] You owe me $400! You-
Don: That's a positive I.D.
Dick: Take his cuffs off! Take 'em off! I want a fair fight!
Don: Rusty.
Dick: Oh, and by the way, mugger boy, your skin is not nearly as creamy as you'd like people to think!

Harry: Uh, I think we should transfer $500 from our money market account to our checking account.
Tommy: We don't have a money market account.
Harry: Shh! It doesn't know that.

Tommy: I can't believe Dick did this to me. Why do I have to play basketball?
August: I know. Team sports are so infantile. It's all masculine posturing. All that preening and flexing.
Tommy: Exactly.
August: What I really hate is that there's some primitive part of me that really responds to that.
Tommy: And what I really hate is being cursed with the heart of a champion.

Harry: Wow! Hey, when you do this, it sort of looks like NYPD Blue. Wow. Oh, my. NYPD Blue.

Don: Sir, did this guy have any distinguishing marks?
Dick: His skin was rather nice.
Don: Well, Mr. Solomon, I can see that you're pretty upset, so I'll just be giving my home phone number to your sister. Call if you have any... needs.