Dick: Harry, Tommy, this is Frank, my friend.
Frank: Yeah, hi.
Dick: Is this place magnificent?
Tommy: Oh, yeah.
Harry: It's the garage mahal.

Tommy: Dick, look. Debbie says that the new Promax router can handle even the wildest curves.
Dick: I don't know if Debbie realizes that can be taken two ways.

Dick: Frank, this is new. What is it?
Frank: A back scratcher.
Dick: May I?
Frank: Be my guest.
Dick: Oh! Oh, this is heavenly. That spot has been driving me nuts ever since we landed. Oh!
Frank: Please, keep it.
Dick: Really? I've never received a gift before. I have to give you something. Take Tommy.

Dick: Hi, neighbor.
Frank: Wh- What's the matter?
Dick: Nothing.
Frank: It's 3:00 in the morning.
Sally: Patty said I could drop by anytime.
Dick: Don't worry, we brought gifts.
Harry: A flank steak for milady and the TV Guide crossword for monsieur. And by the way, the answer to "I blank Lucy" isn't what you think.

Tommy: Who is this?
Frank: That's my daughter Cindy. She's in college.
Tommy: My compliments. She's a definite triumph of aerobics over genetics.
Dick: I think someone would like to see her naked. [Tommy chuckles]

Dick: Pitman, you and Bug are friends, right?
Pitman: Yeah, since third grade.
Dick: We used to trade underwear on sleepovers.
Pitman: Shut up.
Dick: And this friendship weathers all circumstance, survives the frictions of daily life completely intact?
Pitman: Absolutely.
Bug: Yeah, totally.
Dick: Even though he thinks you're stupid?
Bug: You think I'm stupid?
Pitman: Only in a good way.
Dick: So there you have it. Friendship, obviously just a big waste of time. And yet everyone on the planet gets all worked up about these pointless little behaviors, blissfully unaware of the great vaporizing meteor due in 2015... which obviously doesn't exist because I'm kidding.

Sally: So does Frank know you're with me?
Patty: No, I told him I was setting a perm. Does Dick know you're with me?
Sally: No, I injected him with a sedative. I've got at least two more hours.
Patty: Ooh, like Thelma & Louise, except we just came to the supermarket and we haven't murdered anyone.
Sally: It's early yet.

Tommy: Dick, I am so disappointed in you.
Dick: I don't know what happened. I just lost control.
Tommy: Yeah, well, you hurt a human.
Harry: We are in so much trouble. What if he talks?
Sally: He won't if we finish him off.
Dick: This is awful!
Tommy: Yeah, well, you should feel awful, pal.
Dick: But I don't. I feel better, and powerful. This is why people have friends... so they can hit them. This is incredible. It's the best I've ever felt! [Frank rises and punches Dick in the face] Well, there's the down side.

Patty: I'm so sorry about all this. Frank can be such an idiot. How's your brother? Is he licking his wounds?
Sally: Oh, he tried, but he couldn't reach 'em, so he made Harry do it.

Dick: Why are you suddenly so civil?
Frank: Now we understand each other's boundaries. You know my limits. I know your limits. Now we can respect each other.
Tommy: Wait, let me see if I can get this straight. In order to achieve each other's respect, you had to resort to violent confrontation. Now, doesn't that strike you as stupid?
Frank: Kids, huh?
Dick: They don't understand the world.