Dick: Okay, people, your assignment is to discuss what gifts you will be buying for me. And- And, seriously, try to top each other, can you?

Dick: This is for you. It's an invitation to my surprise birthday party.
Mary: If you're handing out invitations, how can it be a surprise?
Dick: Mary, it won't be if you keep waving the invitation around.

Charlotte Everly: Dr. Solomon, I have a confession. I'm not some housewife auditing a class.
Dick: You're not?
Charlotte Everly: No. I'm a reporter from the Cleveland Plain Dealer, and I want to do a story on you.
Dick: On me?
Charlotte Everly: Yes, you see, every year a do a piece on greatness.
Mary: [laughs] Sorry.
Charlotte Everly: I've done all sorts of research on you, and frankly, I'm impressed. Will you grant me an interview?
Dick: Well, all right. But I must ask you to limit your discussion to my greatness.

Mrs. Dubcek: Just bring the chairs back when your party's over.
Harry: What? These are not chairs.
Tommy: They're folding chairs. [unfolds chair]
Harry: Aah!
Mrs. Dubcek: Uh, I got a folding table if you need it.
Harry: A folding table?! Get outta town!

Charlotte Everly: You see, what I would do is cut up some vegetables and then hollow out a pretty red cabbage and put your dip in it.
Sally: It's genius! Oh, Charlotte, thank god you stopped by.
Harry: Where did Dick find you?
Tommy: Hey. What's Ned doing? [Ned chuckles]
Charlotte Everly: He probably just smells peanut butter.
Harry: Yeah, yeah. I'm the same way.

Harry: [to Nedy] You know, I don't get to say this to a lot of people, but... I'm smarter than you.

Charlotte Everly: [on the phone] Hello, Bug? Yes, uh, I'm calling to tell you that Dr. Solomon's party has been canceled. He has a terrible case of diarrhea and he wants everyone to know. Yes. Bye-bye. Have you got everything?
Ned Everly: Yes, mama.
Charlotte Everly: Good boy.
[Mrs. Dubcek rattles in the chair she is tied up to]
Charlotte Everly: Hey, you, titty titty bang bang. One more noise out of you and Ned here will pop your neck like a pencil.
Ned Everly: I got my eye on you.

Mary: Ooh. I got you something. Happy Birthday.
Dick: Don't you want to give that to me later, should some sort of party arise?
Mary: I got a message the party was canceled.
Dick: Right. Very good.
Nina: I got that message, too.
Dick: Mm. So I guess I won't be seeing either of you around, uh, 7:00-ish?
Mary: That's right.
Dick: Good. Good. Oh, oh, and by the way, don't forget to park where I can't see your car.
Mary: Not a problem.
Dick: Yep. I'll never see it coming.

Ned Everly: Mama. He's comin' around.
Dick: Uh- Uh, Charlotte, uh, wh- wh- what are you doing?
Charlotte Everly: Well, first we're gonna cut your head open.
Dick: What? Why?!
Charlotte Everly: Oh, I don't know. Could it possibly be because you're an alien?!
Dick: Alien? [high-pitched nervous laugh] That's funny. You're a very funny woman.
Charlotte Everly: You think I'm stupid? I've been watching you for over a year now, and all signs point to alien.
Dick: W-well, don't some signs point to eccentric or Dutch or something?

Charlotte Everly: Hello, officer.
Don: Hi. Uh, are you two here for the party?
Charlotte Everly: Oh, didn't you get a call?
Don: No. When's it start? You know, I'm on duty. I'm only gonna have time for, like two or three drinks.