Sue Quote #509
Reverend Tammy: Wow. Your mom got arrested. I can see how you might be feeling upset.
Sue: No, that's not really it.
Reverend Tammy: Well, maybe you're just concerned about how your mom's feeling right now.
Sue: No, no, not really. No, that's not... Okay, fine. Whatever.
Reverend Tammy: Look, Sue, at my sleepover jams, after we have Savior S'mores, I get to rap with a lot of girls that are in the exact same position as you. And it's a really hard age, because there's so much changing in your bodies and at school.
Sue: Wrong. Wrong again.
Reverend Tammy: I think maybe you should just lay it out there and and try talking to your mom about how you feel.
Sue: Do you? Do you think that's what I should do? Maybe if you knew me for longer than a day, you'd know that that is actually the exact opposite of what I should do. Because, you see, that's sort of a piece of, like, general advice for general teens, but it's not really very Sue specific.
Reverend Tammy: Um, maybe I could better express myself through a song. Let's see. [plays guitar and sings] Mary had one son born on Christmas day She was hoping for a daughter But she didn't have much say.
Sue: All right! I'm gonna stop you right there. I'm sorry, but singing advice doesn't really work for me. I'm just not the kind of person who responds to singing as a way of solving your problems. So... yeah.
Quote from Frankie
Mike: All due respect, Judge, is this really what we're doing now? I mean, my wife was handcuffed and dragged down to the police station all because of a library book?
Judge: Mr. Heck, I judge the cases that are put before me. I don't get to pick the ones that light my fire.
Frankie: No, I'm sorry, but my husband is right. Do you know about all the break-ins at Joe's Subs? There are real crimes out there. Real crimes. Do we even know what happened to this book? It's not in our house. It could've been stolen. My point is the police should be focusing on real crime and not be worrying about some kid's book that none of us can even remember what it's about.
Judge: It says here it's Stormy Moon, $14.99 from Letter House Books. "The tantalizing tale of a handsome drifter who awakens the sensual desires of a lonely housewife. Stormy never dreamed when Lorenzo rebuilt her gazebo, he would also re-ignite her passion."
Frankie: Okay, I'll write you a check. Could you just wait a couple weeks to cash it?
Judge: Next case.
Quote from Brick
Frankie: Oh, come on. Did you seriously just check out another library book?
Brick: In fact, I did. [holds up a copy of Stormy Moon] I found a copy in the Jasper County branch. I have to say, when the judge read that plot summary, it really piqued my interest. Turns out it's a real page turner.
Brick: [v.o.] The time had come for Lorenzo to drift again. He would forever remain a beautiful mystery.
Axl: What does this mean? Am I the fish or the crown, and what about that green thing? What even is that green thing?
Mike: I got no idea what I'm looking at. Seems like you guys could've talked about things in the time it took her to paint this.
Brick: [v.o.] She knew she would miss his stolen kisses, but would always treasure the happiness he helped her feel inside. [Reverends TimTom and Tammy kiss] But sadly, what is borrowed must always be returned, and there is always a price to pay in the end.
Brick: Oh, snap! She jumped off a cliff. Did not see that coming.
Quote from The College Tour
Sue: Hey, Dad... Why do you think the tour guide gave me all these brochures? There's a Cherokee weaving workshop, and here's one on the headdress exhibit at the art museum.
Mike: Hmm, that's weird. They didn't give that stuff to anybody else?
Mike: I don't know. It's not like you're Native American.
Sue: Yes, I am.
Mike: N-no, Sue. You're not.
Sue: Sure, I am. I mean, that's what I put on my forms.
Mike: What? Why did you do that?
Sue: 'Cause I'm a native of America. I'm a native American.
Mike: Sue, now they think you're Native American!
Sue: Right, a native American.
Mike: [sighs] Say, "I'm a native American."
Sue: I'm a native American. Oh! I hear it now. Well, what was I supposed to check? There was no other option that seemed right. It's not like we're "ca-kah-zee-an."
Mike: Actually, Sue, we are.
Sue: What?! Oh, my God, this is horrible! They're gonna think that I tried to pull one over on them, that I lied on my forms, and it says it's a felony to lie on those forms. Oh, my God! I committed a felony! [music box plays] [vomits]
Quote from Film, Friends and Fruit Pies
Mike: Hang on a sec. Where's all this money coming from?
Sue: Well, I've been using my Spudsy's money, and I popped all the quarters out of my 50 states collector's book, and I've been donating plasma. I'm not exactly sure what plasma is, and I don't know if you need it, but, from the way I've been feeling, I'm guessing you do.