Real Eleanor: I don't mean to be a bother, but could I possibly get some water and whatever food doesn't turn to spiders in your mouth?
Chidi: Oh, of course, so sorry. Let's get some dinner.
Trevor: Yeah, we'll all go. Perfect double date: Two losers, a trash bag, and a demon. Let's hit it. [gives Eleanor a nuggie]

Michael: Oops, sorry, guys. Uh, see, in the confusion, Janet got rebooted, so she hasn't quite uploaded all of the info she usually knows. [laughter]
Chad: That's hilarious. She's almost as stupid as people.
Michael: Oh, hey now, come on. Let's not insult people, please.
Troy: [as Michael] Uh, I'm Michael, I love, uh, idiot humans! [laughter]
Michael: I gotta admit... that does sound like me.
Chad: "I got to admit... that does sound like me."
Michael: Oh, nailed it again.
Dana: Go get me a drink.
Michael: Yes, of course.

Trevor: Aw, man, this is gonna make a primo dump later on.

Chidi: And for you to have gone through all that, and to end up where you did, it is just... [holds Real Eleanor's hands] It's just amazing.
Trevor: Oh, man, these horndogs are vibing like mofos. Am I right, Fake Eleanor?
Eleanor: Please, stop calling me that.
Trevor: Oh, you got it, third wheel. [laughs] Yeah, that wine's no good. I'm sending it back.

Tahani: Anyone up for a little, uh, icebreaker? You know, I once did trust falls with Barry Diller, and it was the beginning of a lifelong friendship.
Michael: And then once we trust each other, then we can discuss making a deal for Fake Eleanor.
Dana: This sucks. How do you guys eat without listening to hard-core porn?
Michael: Oh, come on, this is the Good Place, you can do anything you want.
Chad: What about throwing a rager and totally trashing this place?
Troy: Whoo-hoo, yeah, I'd be into that.
Dana: Mm, we could totally go to town.
Tahani: You know, I actually don't think that's such a good idea.
Michael: Let's party! ["Who Let The Dogs Out" by Baha Man plays]

Real Eleanor: So, um, Chidi tells me that he's teaching you about ethics.
Eleanor: Yeah, actually, we've had some interesting and in-depth classes. He taught me about Plato and Socrates, Immanuel Kant...
Trevor: Yeah, cool, shut up. Let's cut to the chase here... You two go to Poundtown? Poundtown, bro. You two bang it out? She hot for teach? Did you pork the dork? C'mon, girl, dish me dem dirty deets.

[flashback:]
Casey: Hey, a bunch of us are gonna go see Spider-Man 2 tonight. Do you want to come?
Eleanor: They made a second Spider-Man? What is there left to say? Sure, whatever, I'm in.
Casey: Cool, okay, well, I'll get tickets for the eight of us, and you can just pay me back in cash.
Eleanor: So you can get all the points on your credit card, and the rest of us get screwed? No way.
Casey: No, it's just so we can all get tickets before they sell out. Do you want to buy them?
Eleanor: So you guys can never pay me back, and I'll be out like 80 bucks? Nice try. I'll buy my own ticket. The rest of the group can do whatever they want.
[later: Casey and a friend sit in the movie theatre:]
Casey's Friend: Where did she end up?
Eleanor: [in the back row] Bought it with points, baby. My points.
Casey: I think I need to find a new place to live.

Dana: Want a bump?
Tahani: No, thank you, I... I don't use cocaine.
Woman: Oh, it's not cocaine, idiot. We're snorting time.
Tahani: Sorry... you're snorting the concept of time?
Woman: Yeah, it'll fork you up.

Chad: Karaoke time!
Dana: Whoo!
Chad: Dana, baby, what do you wanna do? Okay, Mussolini's speech? Ooh, the Mel Gibson rant? That's a classic.
Dana: Classic... Ooh, let's do the Nixon Tapes... that's my jam!
Chad: Yeah! [in Nixon's voice] "What you always have to "remember about the Irish is they get mean. Virtually every Irish I've known gets mean when he drinks." [cheering] Whoo!
Tahani: Michael, tell them to stop.
Michael: Oh, I think I made it pretty clear that I don't approve.
Dana: Hey, idiot. Dance. You got it.
Chad: [in Nixon's voice] "Oh, it's about damn time that the Jew in America realizes he's an American first and a Jew second."

Trevor: [laughs] I lighted him on fire, and he never spoke again.
Eleanor: You know, maybe I'm not as great as Real Eleanor, but I'm better than I used to be. I'm medium-good. Why haven't you forkers invented a medium place?
Trevor: Look, I know you've been trying to become a "better person," I mean, you didn't want to get caught. I get it. But I read your file... You don't belong here. I mean, she spent her weekends breaking up dog fighting rings. You once saw a meter maid writing you a ticket, and you barked like a dog till she ran away. I mean, honestly, you'll be happier in the Bad Place. I mean, don't get me wrong, you'll be miserable. We will torture you, but you'll also be happier because you won't have to keep trying to fit in somewhere you just don't belong.
Eleanor: [exhales] A'ight. Let's go.
Trevor: Okay, hold on, I have to ask: is this thing gonna happen? You and me?
Eleanor: Ew, no, gross.
Trevor: Okay, you know I had to ask, babe.