Eleanor: Oh... Oh, my head.
Chidi: Here, drink this.
Eleanor: How am I hung over? I thought there were no hangovers here.
Chidi: Well, the Bad Place Crew requested the hangover filter be turned off. They like them.

Michael: Is this true? Fake Eleanor, are you giving up?
Trevor: Yeah, of course she is. She knows this place isn't for her. Let's go, dingdong. Come on.
Eleanor: No, I'm not leaving.
Trevor: Oh, come on, sweetheart, we've been through this. You know you don't belong here.
Eleanor: You're right. I don't... But I want to. I used to never want to be a part of any group, but I'm a different person now because of the person who helped me, and I want to be like him. I want to be like all the people who are here.
Real Eleanor: You can, Eleanor.
Eleanor: Thanks, Real Eleanor.

Trevor: Look, if you don't come with us, we're gonna have to turn this matter over to Shawn.
Michael: Oh, oh, no, um, Shawn, really?
Chidi: Wha... uh, who's... Who's Shawn?
Michael: He's the wise, eternal Judge who sits on high, has the final say on all disputes between our two realms.
Tahani: And his name is... "Shawn"?
Trevor: Okay, look, I don't want Shawn involved either, so how about you blow us away with an offer so we can end this.
Michael: Okay... Here's my offer. You... get... nothing. We're not letting Fake Eleanor go, and we're not giving you anything.
Tahani: Get him, Michael!
Michael: You can summon every evil creature you have, every weapon in your arsenal, every four-headed flying bear. They have them down there. But we are not giving up. I believe that Eleanor belongs in the Good Place. If I'm wrong, you can take her to the Bad Place and punish her all you want, just really go to town on her.
Eleanor: Gah, gah, gah, easy, buddy, easy.
Michael: But she's staying here. Now, all of you... Get the fork out of my neighborhood.

Real Eleanor: And then at night, it was pretty classic torture. Uh, flying piranhas, lava monsters, college improv, and there was always jazz music playing.
Eleanor: Ugh, I hate jazz. Every jazz song is like 40 minutes long. It's like, we get it. You can blow on a trumpet. Wrap it up, Elton John.
Chidi: Famously a piano player.

Trevor: [clipping toenails] Fire in the hole... watch your heads, ladies. My dudes tend to boomerang around the room.

Chidi: So how did you not realize you had the wrong Eleanor?
Michael: Oh, we don't know what people look like... only names and profiles. On Earth, they're just dots on a map.
Trevor: Whatever, we got our wires crossed, we picked up the wrong dot, blah, blah, blah, blah blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Point is, there are two Eleanors. The nice, boring one is yours. The trash bag is ours... So, trash bag, let's go. Wh... Let's hit it. And also... I'm still waiting on that smile, gorgeous.
Michael: Trevor.
Trevor: Where's that smile?
Michael: Trevor, how about we negotiate? Maybe give you something else.
Trevor: What in the world could you have that we would want?
Michael: All right, how about a unicorn? Right? I bet you don't have one of those.
Trevor: No, that is true, yeah. [laughs] Might be fun to skin it alive, eat its raw flesh, maybe break off the horn, grind it up, snort it. Okay, let's keep talking. Yeah.

Michael: Fake Eleanor, a word?
Eleanor: It's just me, man. You can just say, "Eleanor."
Michael: Sorry, it just makes things easier. Look, I'm not even sure how it would work for you to stay here now that we know there's a real Eleanor, but in the meantime, stay on your toes. Don't let Trevor get inside your head.
Eleanor: Can I ask you something? Why are you helping me?
Michael: Well, Chidi made a very good argument on your behalf, but it's more than that. I truly believe that the Good Place is where you belong. You're part of our team.

[flashback:]
Gloria: Hi! Oh, you must be the new student Eleanor Shellstrop. I'm Gloria, the senior class secretary.
Eleanor: Cool.
Gloria: Well, welcome to Adobe High, home of the Scorpi-oties! Half the school wanted to be the Scorpions, half wanted to be the Coyotes, so we compromised. Why don't I give you a tour after lunch?
Eleanor: Yeah, no thanks, moptop.
Gloria: Uh, sorry?
Eleanor: Don't need your help, don't wanna sign your yearbook in, like, gel pen, don't wanna bedazzle our college essays, or whatever. I'm here for like six months, and I'm gonna fly solo. Beat it, Gloria.
Jessica: She is, like, such a dork. She, like, loves this school so much. Why don't you come sit with us? We'll teach you which guys are cute and which teachers are secretly pervs, and...
Eleanor: Yeah, that's a hard pass as well. I don't wanna get chunky highlights, make fun of nerds, and steal your mom's flavored vodka. I get your whole "mean girl" thing, and I'm all set with it, thanks. In fact... [stands up, bangs cafeteria trays together] Listen up, everyone. I'm Eleanor, I'm new here, and as a blanket statement for everyone: I don't wanna be a part of whatever little group you've formed because they're all equally lame. Everybody cool? Great.
Todd: Hey, that was really cool, the way you told all those poseurs...
Eleanor: No.

Tahani: Michael, welcome. How can I help you?
Michael: Well, if I'm going to save Fake Eleanor, I need some help negotiating. I don't even know what to offer. I mean, what do you get somebody who wants to eat a unicorn? A unicorn bib, yes! No, no, uh, unicorn holders, you know, like... like, corn holders, but for unicorns?
Tahani: Perhaps, it'd be better if we just move away from the unicorn thing altogether.

Michael: And anyway, there's a bigger problem: the Bad Place Crew... they're all terrible bullies, and they outnumber me. They even have their own Bad Janet. I'll show you. Bad Janet?
Bad Janet: [appears] What?
Michael: Bad Janet, uh, where is the nearest cafe?
Bad Janet: Oh, um, that's a good question. It's up your mom's butt, you fat dink. [disappears]
Tahani: What is even the purpose of a Janet who behaves in such a manner?
Michael: Unclear, but the... the point is I never have to deal with negative emotion of any sort.