Shawn Quote #5
Shawn: Thank you for these testimonials. A ruling has been reached. [everyone gathers] Oh, you want to hear it. I forgot how needy humans are. [clears throat] Eleanor Shellstrop is a bad person. The progress she has made does not offset her actions on Earth. She deserves to be in the Bad Place.
Shawn: As concerning Jason Mendoza, I have heard no statements nor seen any evidence to suggest... oh, he's from Florida? Yeah, he belongs in the Bad Place.
Quote from Janet
Eleanor: Can this train go any faster, Janet? No pressure, but Jason and I will literally be tortured for all of eternity if we get caught.
Janet: Don't worry, there's no way to tell we're going to Mindy St. Clair's house. It'll be our sexy little secret. [off Eleanor's look] Jason taught me about sexy things.
Eleanor: Oh, yeah? What things did he say were sexy?
Janet: Lamborghinis, cool snakes, spinning rims, 20,000 followers on Instagram, girls with pigtails eating lollipops, latex pants, Carl's Jr. ads, and sex.
Eleanor: Eh, some of those are right. [Jason and Janet high-five]
Quote from Eleanor
Eleanor: "Live every day like it's your last." [scoffs] Bite me. I'ma live forever, bitch.
Cashier: Ma'am? It's $132.21. So, big plans this weekend?
Eleanor: Yep. I'm gonna sit alone in my house watching wedding fails on YouTube, drinking margaritas through a Twizzlers straw until I pass out on top of my vibrator.
Quote from The Funeral to End All Funerals
Shawn: Face it, Michael. You lost. Everything you've done, this experiment, the original neighborhood, sending your little cockroach buddies back to Earth, all of it was for nothing. Bam. You're glue.
Michael: Actually, Shawn, that's a very interesting point.
Shawn: Exactly. What?
Michael: Matt, call up the active files of four people still alive on Earth, Kamilah Al-Jamil, Donna Shellstrop, and her stepdaughter Patricia, and Steven Peleaz, AKA Pillboi.
Shawn: They were not part of the experiment. If he gets to bring in random good people into it, I should be able to bring in random bad people. Call up Elizabeth Holmes. No, Henry Kissinger. No... PewDiePie.
Quote from Michael's Gambit
Shawn: Do you remember what I told you when you predicted you could do this for 1,000 years?
Michael: The time has come to innovate. The human afterlife can be more fun. For us, obviously, not for the people we're torturing. Who cares about those dummies? [laughs] I present to you the perfect recipe for my proposed experiment. Four people, perfectly suited to make each other miserable. I'm going to design an afterlife where they torture each other.
Shawn: We've tried this. Humans are very reticent to torture each other. Even getting them to do simple things like pulling out each other's teeth is like... I can't think of the right analogy.