Chidi: No, no. This is worse. I mean, an existential crisis is an acknowledgement that life is absurd. And that absurdity needs to be confronted, but this is just denial. And at any moment that denial could collapse, and he'll be a mess. He is a Jenga tower of sadness.

Eleanor: So he's moved on from existential crisis to just straight-up mid-life crisis. That's good, right? I knew a ton of guys like that back in Arizona. I mean, they hit on you when they're drunk, and their breath smells like supplements, but overall they're pretty harmless.

[flashback:]
Eleanor: Hey, man, you got toothbrush holders?
Greg: Sure, yeah, right over here.
Eleanor: What's this? Who has four toothbrushes? Like, Bill Gates or something?
Greg: No, that's like, for a family.
Eleanor: Family? Like, a whole family and their toothbrushes all together? Two slots for the parent toothbrushes and two slots for their kids?
Greg: Yep.
Eleanor: So the parent toothbrushes can be close to the kid toothbrushes and... watch over them and... [sniffs] They can all talk about their... toothbrush feelings. And they can hold their little toothbrush hands when they're sad? Make sure no harm ever comes to their little bristles?
Greg: Sure. [Eleanor cries] Oh, um, do you need Kleenex?
Eleanor: Thank you. [sniffles] Sorry. I'm so embarrassed. A family pack? [dramatic sobbing]

Eleanor: Dude, you broke Michael.
Chidi: No, no. This is good. He's having an existential crisis. It's a sort of anguish people go through when they contemplate the silent indifference of our empty universe. Look, the good news is, if he can work through this, it's the first step towards understanding human ethics.
Eleanor: And what if he can't?
Chidi: Then, he'll be a lifeless shell of misery forever, and we're all doomed. Okay, I will be right back. Gotta go grab some Camus.

Tahani: This is so depressing. I'm being forced to throw a party that I know will fail.
Jason: That's why they're doing this. It's what you're best at. Just like I'm the best at getting empty water bottles to stay on the roof of a Pizza Hut.
Tahani: You know what? I am the best at planning parties. Vicky may be some demonic torturer from the netherworld, but does she have taste? Sophistication? An encyclopedic knowledge of traditional and avant-garde Belgian floral design?
Jason: Yes! She does. [off Tahani's look] No. She doesn't.

Eleanor: Look, dude, this isn't your fault. You've been teaching him ethics for half an hour, and he's been evil since... the beginning of time.
Chidi: Oh! Maybe the reason Michael can't latch onto the ideas is because he's immortal. Look, look. If you live forever, then ethics don't matter to you because, basically, there's no consequences for your actions. You tell a lie, who cares? Wait a few trillion years, the guilt will fade. Before I can teach Michael to be good, I have to force him to think about what we used to think about: that life has an end, and therefore our actions have meaning.

Eleanor: Hey, buddy. How you doing? Can I get you a snack? Do you eat? I can never remember. What do you eat? Babies? Do you want me to get you a big fat baby? What flavor baby? [gasps] How about a Cool Ranch baby?

Tahani: [sighs] Everything is perfect.
Eleanor: Red alert, red alert. We need help.
Tahani: What's wrong with Michael?
Jason: Uh-oh. I know that look. He just snorted a bunch of printer toner. Mike, listen to me, you have nothing to worry about. You still have around 70% of your brain left.

Eleanor: No, no, this is more like a philosophy overdose. Basically, Michael just smoked a big bowl of ennui, and now he's having an existential crisis. So, we need to cheer him up.
Chidi: Look at how pretty the restaurant is. Didn't Tahani do a good job?
Michael: Parties are mere distractions from the relentlessness of entropy. We're all just corpses who haven't yet begun to decay.
Eleanor: Yeah, but... balloons!

Michael: Hang on, there, mis amigos! Whoo! I want to make a toast.
Eleanor: No, no, no, Michael, oh, boy.
Michael: Okay, I know what you're thinking. Birth is a curse, and existence is a prison. But don't think about that. Don't be sad, you guys. Focus on something great like Drakkar Noir... whoo... which I am wearing a lot of tonight. Or the Sharper Image Catalog. What can't those guys ionize? By the way, I am feeling amazing. I'm going to do some push-ups. Then we'll go around the room and name our favorite cheese.
Vicky: Okay, that's good with the speeches. That's good, yeah. Let's all get back to the party. What was that? You didn't run any of that by me.
Michael: Oh, I know, I know. I'm sorry, babe. Listen, when you guys first took over, I was upset, but it's all good now. I mean, anger is toxic. I'm not about that negativity. Mi torture es su torture. I am so happy you're in charge.
Vicky: Okay, well, good.
Michael: Namaste, chica. [laughs] Do you want to dance?
Vicky: No.
Michael: Okay.