Blanche: All right, everybody, just write down who you think ought to leave.
Rose: Well, you know this is a waste of time. I'm just gonna write down myself.
Dorothy: Don't tell us that. Yeah, maybe we should do this. It's the fairest way.
Rose: All right, but it's just gonna end up being me.
Blanche: Okay. Okay. Here we go. Good luck, ladies. Dorothy. [sighs] Dorothy. Dorothy. Dorothy.
Sophia: Well, that's that. Let's eat. I'm starved.

Dorothy: Wait a minute. How did this happen?
Sophia: We all voted for you.
Blanche: Well, Dorothy, it's your own damn fault. Why did you have to vote for yourself?
Dorothy: I just assumed that everyone was gonna vote for Rose, and I- I didn't want a sweep to hurt her feelings.
Blanche: I guess that would hurt.
Dorothy: It does!

Dorothy: Hey, wait a minute. The city says you can't have three renters, but what if- What if we're all co-owners?
Blanche: Co-owners?
Dorothy: Yeah. You sell us each a share of the house and we pay you every month, like we always have, but instead of paying rent, we'll be paying the mortgage.
Blanche: I tell you what. Why don't we just forget all about the mortgage, and I'll just give you all the house as a present? Yeah! Then I'll just buy all your clothes, pay for all your food, set up trust funds for all your grandchildren.
Sophia: Throw in a piano player, you got yourself a deal.
Blanche: Like hell! This is my home we're talking about here. And it's more than a home. It's memories. Dorothy, this is where I lived with my husband. It's- It's my past, and it's my future. As I move on towards middle age, it's all I have.

Don: So, who's leaving?
Dorothy: Oh, we were just discussing that, Mr. Benson. I'm afraid that no one's leaving. You see, we're a family here. Well, not the conventional one, but we love each other and...
Sophia: Excuse me, snoop.
Dorothy: Liar.
Sophia: Rhino.
Dorothy: Lizard. It's real love, Mr. Benson. It's an honest love. And, yes, we might have secrets that we stubbornly try to hide from each other-
Sophia: Python.
Dorothy: Swamp insect. But we're a family nonetheless, and you can't break us up.

Don: Well, as moving as all this is, I can't help you. I gotta file my report, and either Mrs. Devereaux has to bring the house up to code, or somebody's gotta leave.
Blanche: Wait just a minute. These women no longer live in my house.
Dorothy: Blanche, what are you saying?
Blanche: I'm saying that it's not just my house anymore. It's our house. I've decided to share the title with you. We'll sign the deed tomorrow. That way you'll have equity and nobody can make you leave.
Don: Heh. By golly, you got me.
Blanche: Say, Don, why don't you drop back by after the hot tub's in.

Dorothy: Ma, we have to talk. I think it's time we settled this.
Sophia: Get off my property.
Dorothy: Ma, that's enough.

Sophia: Here goes. The man you saw in that picture was Guido Spirelli. He was my first husband through an arranged marriage, which I had later annulled.
Dorothy: And?
Sophia: And I shot him just to watch him die. What do you mean, "And?"
Dorothy: I mean, that's all? That's all you're gonna tell me about it?
Sophia: We were promised to each other when we were nine. By most Sicilian standards, he was considered quite a catch. And he was supposed to inherit the family business.
Dorothy: Oh, what was the family business?
Sophia: Getting even.
Dorothy: So, what was the problem? What, you didn't love him?
Sophia: No, he was a workaholic. I had the marriage annulled, and two days after it was official, I left for America.

Dorothy: Ma, why couldn't you tell me this?
Sophia: Dorothy, I went against centuries of tradition. You don't leave an arranged marriage. I disgraced my family's entire way of life.
Dorothy: I think I'm finally beginning to see.
Sophia: Good. Then you'll have the decency to lie if anyone asks you about it.
Dorothy: Of course not, Ma. It all has to go in the family history.
Sophia: Don't do this, Dorothy. Don't do something we'll both regret.
Dorothy: I have to, Ma. [to tape recorder] In 1920, your great-grandmother, Sophia Petrillo, became a pioneer in the women's rights movement. She single-handedly dragged her family into the 20th century by refusing to be thought of as property and demanding instead to marry a man she loved. To do so, she had to leave behind everything she'd ever known. And that is the kind of courage and strength that flows through your veins.

Rose: I am the smartest woman in the whole world.
Dorothy: And I am the Pygmy queen.
Rose: No, wait a minute. Blanche, what would you say if I got a permit that would let you have as many people stay here as you want?
Blanche: What? Oh, that's terrific. Rose, this says I'm going to turn my home into a halfway house for recently released criminals.
Dorothy: Yes, Rose, you are the smartest person in the world. Burger World.