Blanche: You know, Sophia, this birthday thing kinda has me depressed as well. You think you could help me, too?
Sophia: Sure. No matter how bad things get, remember these sage words - you're old, you sag, get over it.
Blanche: Sophia!
Sophia: So what if you knew Jesus personally? Wake up and smell the coffee, you fossil.

Dorothy: Ma, I just want to give him a call.
Sophia: Pussycat, you're out of your league. There are some people you just can't help. It's like the Good Lord said - "You gotta know when to hold 'em. Know when to fold 'em. Know when to walk away."
Dorothy: Ma, that's not the Good Lord, that's Kenny Rogers.
Sophia: God, Kenny Rogers. Tomato, tomah-to.

Rose: Don't worry, Dorothy. Maybe Jimmy'll come around.
Dorothy: Oh, I wish I could believe you, but, Rose, I have been there. I mean, after a while you feel you're just in this gigantic black hole.
Rose: We had a gigantic black hole back in St. Olaf.
Sophia: Oh, God.
Rose: On Main Street, right in front of the courthouse where Charlie and I got our marriage license and our permit to have kids. Oh, it was a lovely hole. Everybody in town would stand around and look in it.
Dorothy: And they say Hollywood is the entertainment capital of the world.
Rose: Well, we didn't just look in it. Sometimes we'd point, too. Or spit and time it. Then there was always that wise guy who'd have a couple of drinks and unzip himself and-
Dorothy: It's official. I hate her.

Blanche: You know, I can see why your friend got disillusioned, but I don't see why he withdrew for 22 years.
Dorothy: Oh, I can. It happened to me. When Stanley walked out, I was so devastated, I locked myself in my bedroom. It was the one place that didn't remind me of Stan. And I just never wanted to come out. Fortunately, someone was there to get me out of that room. Thanks, Ma.
Sophia: Sure, Pussycat.

Blanche: My mistake. I thought since you looked like Yoda, you were also wise.

Blanche: You know, Rose, you were right. What's in a number? Why, I still have my health, I have my challenging career at the museum. Most of all, I have you all - my family. All that birthday nonsense was just an exercise in vanity. And so today, for the very first time, Blanche Devereaux is gonna reveal her true and accurate age. Right after you tell me your weight.
Rose: 119.
Blanche: 42.
Rose: Coffee?
Blanche: Please.

Sophia: My heart! My heart! Everything has gone black. I'm coming to you, Sallie.
Dorothy: Ma! Oh, God! Oh, God. Oh, God! Hang on, Ma! Oh, please, please, hang on!
Sophia: [normally] All right, but you have to do me a favor.
Dorothy: To the moon, Ma. If you wanted a favor, you could just ask.
Sophia: There are only two things I look forward to each day, and both of them involve yankin' a chain.

Dorothy: How pathetic a person could live their life totally alone, devoid of companionship or love. I wish I could do something.
Sophia: Start a club.

Blanche: Dorothy, how'd things go tonight?
Dorothy: I am so happy that I volunteered for Meals on Wheels, and I think I'm really making progress with Jimmy. Although I could make more if Ma would stop yelling "Boo!"

Rose: Everybody wants a party, no matter what they say. But if you think we don't need to know Blanche's real age, maybe we should-
Dorothy: Open the damn envelope.
Rose: I can't believe it. After all these years, we're finally gonna know. We're gonna know the true age of Blanche Devereaux. "Deleted by authority of the governor." Oh, they- These are all like that.
Dorothy: Rose, you know what this means?
Rose: Yeah. She must have really jumped on this guy's bandwagon.
Dorothy: You almost got it, Rose.