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‘Wham, Bam, Thank You, Mammy!’ Quotes

The Golden Girls: Wham, Bam, Thank You, Mammy!

605. Wham, Bam, Thank You, Mammy!

Aired October 20, 1990

Blanche is upset when her old nanny reveals a shocking secret about Big Daddy. Meanwhile, Dorothy is annoyed by Sophia's attempt to match her up with somebody.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: I don't know what to think. This changes everything I ever thought about Big Daddy. I always assumed that he and Mama had a wonderful sex life. I walked in on 'em once when I was a little girl. There was all this huffin' and puffin' and high-pitched sounds. Then suddenly Big Daddy shouted "Glory!" and they both lit up cigarettes. I vowed then and there I would never do anything so repulsive.
Rose: So what happened?
Blanche: Oh, Bobby Joe Porter explained to me that the cigarette part was optional.

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Quote from Rose

Rose: You know, I had a nanny when I was a child. She was my best friend. I could tell her anything, and I'd know she'd keep it a secret. Oh, we used to spend the days running and playing in the meadow. Or playing hide-and-seek in the barn. My nanny treated me just like I was her own kid. Excuse me. [exits]
Dorothy: Is there anyone here who doesn't think she was talking about a goat?

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: We're not talking. I'm still furious with Ma for hooking me up with that matchmaker.
Rose: That reminds me of a story about St. Olaf's most famous matchmaker.
Dorothy: Oh, please, Rose, spare me the endless inane details of how Heidi Flugendugelgurgenplotz successfully matched a bull with a duck. And how their daughter was a bull duck who ran a small tattoo parlor in Carmel.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: Blanche, would you mind coming over and actually doing something?
Blanche: Well, Dorothy Zbornak, are you implying I'm not pullin' my weight?
Dorothy: That's between you and the laws of physics.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Big Daddy's only been gone for a year. Here I am, already selling off his things.
Dorothy: Oh, honey, it has to be done.
Blanche: I know it. I just didn't realize how seeing these things would bring back so many memories. Like Big Daddy's Bible. Never went anywhere without this. [opens book] Whiskey. That explains why every Sunday after services, he'd stand up and yell, "I can lick any man in this church."

Quote from Sophia

Mrs. Contini: Sophia, are you sure you know what you're doing?
Sophia: Of course. What do you think of a woman who cries herself to sleep every Saturday night because she's bored and lonely?
Mrs. Contini: Your daughter does that?
Sophia: I do that. If you can fix Dorothy up with somebody, maybe I can get out of the house once in a while. Or at least stay in and walk around naked.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Anyway, Mammy says she's gonna be in town in a few days, and she wants to see me.
Rose: You don't sound very happy about it. Didn't you like her?
Blanche: Oh, I adored her. She was like another mother to me. In fact, she was the only friend I had. I was a lonely child. My sisters refused to play with me because I was so beautiful. Do you know what that's like? No, course you don't. I loved her, and I thought she loved me. And then one day, when I was ten years old, she left. No goodbyes, no explanation. Just disappeared. I was devastated. We Southerners don't forget things like that.
Dorothy: It's true. Possum is brain food.

Quote from Sophia

[Sophia takes a Polaroid of Dorothy]
Dorothy: Ma, why did you do that?
Sophia: Playboy is running a spread on the substitute teachers of Miami.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: Ma, will you stop meddling in my life? I am sick of it. I told you, if I want a date, I can find one for myself.
Blanche: Oh, Dorothy. Dear, sweet, delusional Dorothy.
Dorothy: Blanche, if you don't mind, I'm having a heart-to-heart with my mother. Now listen up, you withered old Sicilian monkey.
Sophia: I don't have to take this. Keep it up, and I'll take you to Shady Pines.
Dorothy: That's where I take you.
Sophia: Ouch. Guess I backed into that one.

Quote from Rose

Rose: Every time you need to talk to somebody, you go to your mother or to Blanche. Why doesn't anybody ever talk to me?
Dorothy: Your advice always comes with one of those damn St. Olaf stories.
Rose: I can give advice without a damn St. Olaf story. Now, what's wrong?
Dorothy: Well, I just don't think it was right of Ma to hire that matchmaker behind my back. Now, why does she always meddle in my life?
Rose: Well, Dorothy, I recently read about a man in Paris, France named Frudensteufer-
Dorothy: Rose!
Rose: Pierre Frudensteufer. He worked in his father's herring - no, quiche factory, and his father Lars Fr
Dorothy: Do I look like I just fell off the turnip truck?
Rose: No. But you do look like the woman who used to drive it. Her name was Uma Van Hefflan. No relation. Although she, too, collected string. Well, one day-
Dorothy: Rose! Rose, stop yourself. You're doing two of them at the same time.
Rose: I know, and I'd like to try to handle it. I feel like Hans the Plate Spinner. Funny thing about-
Dorothy: Rose!
Rose: Oh, my God, Dorothy. I need help.

Quote from Rose

Rose: I once wrote some letters to my nanny.
Dorothy: We know, Rose. She ate them.


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