Sophia: I remember when people used to die at Shady Pines. I hated the way the nurses used to break the news. "Guess who's getting two desserts tonight?" It was so transparent.

Blanche: Dear God, I know it's been an awful long time since I've done this, and I'm sorry. You have given me a lot to be thankful for. My wonderful children, my health, a beautiful body, legs to die for. A face that is stunningly sexy and yet has the innocence of a child, with luscious lips that just invite-
Dorothy: He knows what you look like, Blanche.
Blanche: Yes, you know what I look like and I just wanted to say good job. Oh, but, dear God, I do have a favor to ask. Could you please spare my friend Rose? Now, I know I haven't been perfect, but if you can just let her live, I promise I'll try to be a better person. And if, in your infinite wisdom, you decide to start the aging process on me, I will understand. [Dorothy covers Sophia's mouth] And I promise I will not have sex with anyone unless they really, really need it. Amen.

Blanche: Well, I thought maybe the three of us could go to church together just like good people.
Janet: Oh, you know how I feel about organized religion. It makes me crazy. And I do not want Sarah's head filled with stories about a God who may or may not exist.
Blanche: Well, honey, of course He exists. Just look at the beautiful sky, the majestic trees. God created man and gave him a heart and a mind and thighs that could crack walnuts.

Sophia: Look at this. Vaseline. BENGAY. Ooh, wow, look at this wonderful thermometer! Ouch! Stop me, I'm like a kid in a candy store.
Dorothy: Ma, don't take that stuff.
Sophia: Come on, pussycat. They expect us to take it. It's like hotel soap.

Blanche: You're gonna come with us, but you have to be prepared. Now, I'm gonna go by the school library and pick up some old yearbooks. We have to know all the basics. You know, like, oh, senior class president, quarterback of the football team, class slut.
Dorothy: Blanche, how do you tell a slut from a yearbook?
Rose: Oh. How do you tell a slut from a yearbook? Um... You don't have to buy a yearbook dinner.
Blanche: Rose.
Rose: You can take a yearbook home to your parents.
Blanche: Rose.
Rose: There's nothing wrong with having a yearbook on the coffee table.
Dorothy: Rose, this isn't a riddle!
Rose: Well, make it one. I had three good answers.

Guy: Cindy Lou Peeples? You look incredible.
Dorothy: Well, thank you. You remember our Korean exchange student, Kim Fung-Toi?
Guy: Oh, sure. You look different.
Rose: Different on outside. Same on inside.

Rose: I am so mad. I just got a letter from back home all about my high school reunion. I didn't know I was gonna miss such a good time. Listen to this, "Dear Rose, you sure did miss a good time. The precision drill team wasn't the same without you. We could only spell out St. Oaf."

Rose: I think this whole thing is wrong. I mean, we're going to this reunion and deceiving people and changing our past histories. To me, that's almost like lying. And that's against everything I am.
Dorothy: Rose, what's the natural color of your hair?
Rose: I'll get the car.

Blanche: Where have you been?
Rose: When no one was looking, I went by the "no show" table and I got four nametags for us. Blanche, you'll be Susan Armstrong. And, Dorothy, you'll be Cindy Lou Peeples. And, Sophia, you're Myron Zucker.
Sophia: Rose, you idiot. There's no way I'm ever gonna pass for a man. Dorothy, trade with me?
Dorothy: Go to hell, Myron.

Dorothy: Rose, I don't want to wear this.
Rose: Oh, come on. I looked in the yearbook and you're a dead ringer for Cindy Lou Peeples.
Dorothy: I don't know.
Rose: Trust me. It'll work or my name isn't Kim Fung-Toi.