Rose: Oh, today is my lucky day. While you were gone, Angelo came over to tell you about these big bugs at his place. Well, he didn't want to make a big deal of it. He said he could try to pass them off as shellfish and sell them out of the back of his trunk, but I thought it was a great story and so did my boss. In fact, he's putting it on tonight's news.
Dorothy: Rose, please tell me you're kidding.
Rose: My boss said he wanted to expose Angelo's landlord for making him live under those terrible conditions. But Angelo wouldn't give us his name.
Sophia: A Sicilian never squeals. Never. Did you offer him money?
Rose: No.
Sophia: Never. He wouldn't.

Blanche: Dorothy, I am so excited. I just got interviewed. They asked me if you were clean at home. I said, "Well, you won't find any crumbs in her bed. You won't find anything in her bed."

Dorothy: Hi, Ma.
Sophia: My God, did you bust out? Don't worry, I know what to do. We'll get you a phony license and birth certificate. I know a good plastic surgeon. By tomorrow morning, you can be Raul Julia.

Dorothy: Fine. You're not interested.
Sophia: Of course I'm interested. See what I have on my feet?
Dorothy: Your regular old shoes.
Sophia: And do you know why? Because old lady shoes are me. Like it or not, they're a part of my life. It's like it is with you and Stan. Do you understand what I'm saying?
Dorothy: You're saying that in some ways Stan belongs in my life. And, like your shoes, he may not be stylish, but he's familiar. He's comfortable.
Sophia: And shiny on top. Don't forget shiny on top.

Sophia: Pussycat, what's short, wrinkly, and sticks out of my shoes?
Dorothy: You.
Sophia: No, my toes. It's that time of year. Mama needs a new pair of shoes.
Dorothy: Well, you've crapped out. I am not taking you.
Sophia: Dorothy, please, the little piggy that goes, "Wee, wee, wee," doesn't have a nail on it anymore.

Sophia: They love me.
Dorothy: They hate you.
Sophia: The last time they gave me a balloon.
Dorothy: You ripped that out of a kid's hand.
Sophia: You're just upset because I won't take the first thing they bring out.
Dorothy: You don't take anything they bring out.
Sophia: I took you.

Police Officer: I have a warrant for your arrest. I'll have to ask you to come with me.
Dorothy: What for?
Police Officer: Violation of the city's housing codes. Lady, you're a slum lord.
Sophia: Dorothy, don't worry. We'll have you out of jail in no time. I'll get the best attorney social security can buy.

Dorothy: I said no.
Sophia: Please?
Dorothy: For the last time, I am not getting you an electric golf cart and that's that.
Sophia: [on the phone] Hello, Wake Up Miami? "The Big Mean Bug Lady"? She's at it again.

Sophia: I'm proud of you, Angelo. You didn't squeal.
Angelo: Hey, I'm a Sicilian.
Sophia: Nobody made an offer, huh?
Angelo: Not a dime.

Sophia: Don't worry, pussycat. We won't rest till we get you out of here.
Dorothy: Thanks, Ma. [to Rose and Blanche] Who wants Chinese? I got her credit card! I got her credit card!