Adult Adam: [v.o.] With that, I set off to win back my classmates.
Adam: Yo, Walls! Senior year! Hit me with your favorite memory.
Brian Walls: Eat a hot, wet dog turd, Goldberg.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Which they weren't exactly happy about.
Brian Corbett: You ruined my life. I was gonna put that in my hype reel to get into SMU!
JC Spinks: Here's a senior quote... "Every second of every day, "I want to kick you in the head."
Mr. Glascott: I say this as an educator... You [bleep] up.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] While my peers rejected me, my mom was looking for a little help from her friends.

Virginia Kremp: Why don't you seduce him with home-cooked meals and baked goods?
Beverly: Or... Essie actually seduces him.
Essie Karp: Excuse me, now?
Beverly: Come on, you're single and ready to mangle. Let's fix your hair and makeup and send you over there.
Essie Karp: What's wrong with my hair and makeup?
Erica: Mom, I shouldn't have to say this again, but sending your friends to do adult favors is no way to get a house.
Beverly: Do you have any better ideas?
Geoff: Ooh, write a letter. That's what my parents did when they bought their house.
Linda Schwartz: Lou and I wrote a note that was so moving and heartfelt that the nice, old lady wept in my arms.
Beverly: Of course. A heartfelt letter. Oh. But instead of Geoff's stupid idea, we'll do my thing. Kids, follow me.
Geoff: I'm insulted, but along for the ride.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] And so my mom took a shot at doing what she does best... Emotional manipulation.
Beverly: Listen, I know you have issues with Murray, but I gotta tell you the real reason we need this house.
Arnie Wofsy: What's that?
Beverly: We're pregnant.
Geoff: The hell?
Erica: Mom!
Beverly: They're shy about it, but it's true. Erica is with child.
Geoff: I can't feel my body.
Arnie Wofsy: Congrats. How far along are you?
Beverly: Oh, far enough along to know the clock is ticking, and they cannot start a family in that dingy studio apartment with asbestos and raccoons, right, Erica?
Erica: Uh, poison, woodland creatures, and a baby... It could all be true.
Arnie Wofsy: I loved having my grandkids close. Then my son-in-law dragged them away to the desert so he could start a magic club. Idiot. With his cards and illusion cabinet.
Beverly: Well, these two aren't going anywhere. Or stopping at one. She's got about, uh, five to seven more to spit out.
Erica: She definitely knows my body.
Beverly: Have you ever heard of a family bed? Well, ours is gonna fit three generations. Oh, speaking of three, let's talk numbers.

Jane Bales: You know, usually, during open houses, the homeowner isn't around, and yet, uh-huh, here you are.
Murray: Work around me.
Jane Bales: Hi, welcome! Come on in!
Woman: Thanks. [laughs] So much character.
Jane Bales: Mm-hmm.
Woman: Banister's a little wonky, though.
Jane Bales: You'll definitely want to replace that with maybe something tasteful and not gross, but the house has good bones. Just terrible skin and teeth and furniture and room flow.
Woman: Ugh. And the carpet.
Jane Bales: Oh, yeah. It's from a crime scene. Let's pop into the kitchen and see what else we can rip the ass out of.
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Turns out that one open house did make a sale... To my dad.
Beverly: [enters] Whoo-hoo! Old man Wofsy took the bait. 10% over asking in cash! (grunts] Look out, block! The Goldbergs are upsizing! We're moving!
Murray: No, we're not.

Erica: You're not moving?
Beverly: No. I thought I could trick you into spending more time with me, but... I can't leave these memories.
Erica: Mom, we'll go, but no matter what, we'll always come back. This is our home forever, too.
Beverly: [clicks tongue] But I already wrote the check to Wofsy. Oh, damn it. Well, I guess you guys will have to live next door.
Erica: Yeah, no. Your little pregnancy performance earlier made living next to you seem not so great.
Geoff: It was the family bed for me.
Beverly: Then I think I have another idea.