Adult Adam: [v.o.] Back in the '80s, my sister, Erica, and Geoff Schwartz had quite the love story. From friends to lovers to exes and lovers again, all culminating in an epic proposal. Finally, the wedding was here.
Erica: It's nice.
Geoff: Peaceful.
Erica: Are we in the right place?
Geoff: And to think I was worried your mom would do something crazy. I mean, the Harlem Globetrotters were at your brother's bar mitzvah. Curly Neal dribbled the entire service.
Erica: Well, I guess she finally heard us. People really can grow and change.
Beverly: Tech rehearsal starts now! We are two days out. I want to see sweaty bodies and high knees.
Erica: What's happening? Why do we need a tech rehearsal?
Beverly: I just added a few flourishes to the ceremony. Wardrobe!
Erica: The wardrobe is my wedding dress.
Beverly: No, that's your fourth change, so go ahead and put on these processional outfits and let's do this.

Adult Adam: [v.o.] Yep, my mom believed in going big.
Geoff: Why do I have a sword?
Erica: I don't think I can walk in this.
Beverly: Oh, you won't be walking. Good men of Rome! [claps]
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Then she went even bigger.
Beverly: Cue the buglers!
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Some would say over the top.
Beverly: Where are my unicorns? [horses whinny]
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Way, way over the top.
Erica: Unicorns aren't real! This whole thing can't be real!
Beverly: Cue the New Orleans jazz band!
Geoff: Wow. She's really all over the map with the different styles and genres.
Erica: Yeah, that's the problem.

Beverly: Cherry blossoms! Flutter! Now!
Geoff: How did that happen?
Beverly: Six men are living in those trees full-time. They pee in buckets. Fire-eaters, you should be lit by now!
Erica: Mom, we have to talk about this!
Beverly: One step ahead of you. We need more. Way more. And where the hell are my acrobats?
Adult Adam: [v.o.] Yep, those guys were there, too. My mom left nothing out.
Geoff: This looks expensive.
Beverly: Where the hell did my mom go?
Geoff: Something tells me that giant clamshell is gonna clue us in.
Beverly: Here's my big reveal! [vocalizes]

Adult Adam: [v.o.] It was March 2nd, 1980-something, and my mom had turned my sister's wedding into a literal freak show. Erica was coming undone.
Erica: It's all too much. I think I'm losing it.
Geoff: I've never seen you like this. It's like all your sarcastic, tough-girl energy has been sucked away and replaced with nervous anxiety.
Erica: Oh, God! I'm you!
Geoff: You're me!
Erica: We can't have two yous!
Geoff: I know. One me is too many!

Geoff: That's it! I'm almost your husband, and it is time that I stand up for you. Time to go confront your mom. Here I go!
Erica: You're not moving.
Geoff: Building up to it. Sending the message from my brain to my muscles. Here I mostly go!

Geoff: Mrs. Goldberg, I need...
Beverly: One second, Geoff, I've got a troupe of Chinese acrobats lost in Delaware. [on the phone] Ni xuyao shang 95 bei, huozhe wo hui ba no shuai dao taikong.

Beverly: Now, you selfishly need something 24 hours before my glorious day?
Geoff: It is about your glorious day, actually. It has turned into something way bigger than we expected.
Beverly: Oh, thank you for noticing.
Geoff: It was impossible not to notice.
Beverly: You're just saying that. Are you trying to sweet-talk your mother-in-law?
Geoff: No, what I'm trying to say is, our small, intimate ceremony has turned into an over-the-top spectacle.
Beverly: You really think so?
Geoff: I don't think you're gonna hear this how I intend it, but... Yes?
Beverly: You know, I don't say this enough, but you are not that bad, Geoffrey.

Beverly: Now you relax. I'm gonna confirm the surprise musical entertainment. I'm not gonna give any hints, but let's just say it hits all the right "Marks."
Geoff: Seems like you're suggesting it will be multiple people named Mark.
Beverly: Well, aren't you the sleuth. Now go enjoy your last day of freedom. But don't eat anything, or else you won't fit into your sequined matador costume. I measured you in your sleep.
Geoff: But I don't live in the same house as you.
Beverly: I know.

Beverly: I just heard the word "storm"! It had better be over a place that doesn't matter, like wherever it is that farmers are.
Erica: Nope, right here. Crazy unseasonal winter blast. They're saying it's gonna be a doozie. But wait. Oh, no! The wedding!
Beverly: Schmoo, don't fret. I'll just send that nor'easter back out to the sea with my endless well of Mama love. Yeah.
Geoff: What exactly is happening?
Beverly: Foul tempest, I banish thee!
Erica: The weather, you can't control it.
Beverly: Begone, evil squall!
Weatherman: [on TV] Will you look at that? Now our storm is actually changing course!
Erica: Changing wha...
Weatherman: [on TV] In all my years of meteorology, I've never seen anything like this! [Beverly grunts]
strong>Adult Adam: [v.o.] No one had. It had to be a crazy coincidence, right?
Weatherman: [on TV] Folks, we've been spared.
Beverly: See? It's all good. We're gettin' married! Mwah! [laughs]

Barry: So, what are you planning for Erica's marriage thingy?
Adam: Showing up. You?
Barry: I may pop in.
Adam: What are you gonna wear to this shindig?
Barry: Mom rented me a tux, top hat, and tails.
Adam: You didn't get the cane?
Barry: I don't need a cane! My legs are made of oak. I'm using either a king's scepter or a tactical hiking axe.
Adam: I'm going with a bejeweled wizard's staff. [Barry punches Adam's arm] Oh! Why?
Barry: For upstaging me with sorcerer's items! Now I may not go at all.