Kramer: You know, I can't believe you put your money in that Centrax. And you could've invested in my roll-out tie dispenser.
Jerry: Roll-out tie dispenser? What was that one?
Kramer: Okay, you're in a restaurant. You've got a very big meeting coming up.
Jerry: Okay.
Kramer: "Oh, man". You got mustard on your tie.
Jerry: Oh, no!
Kramer: You just... tear it off, and you got a new one right here. Then you're gone.
Jerry: You're gone, all right.

Jerry: I think Superman probably has a very good sense of humor.
George: I never heard him say anything really funny.
Jerry: But it's common sense. He's got super strength, super speed. I'm sure he's got super humor.
George: You would think that, but either you're born with a sense of humor, or you're not. It's not going to change even if you go from the red sun of Krypton all the way to the yellow sun of the Earth.
Jerry: Why? Why would that one area of his mind not be affected by the yellow sun of Earth?
George: I don't know. But he ain't funny.

[stand-up:]
Jerry: Went out to dinner the other night. Check came at the end of the meal, as it always does. Never liked the check at the end of the meal system, because money's a very different thing before and after you eat. Before you eat money has no value. You don't care about money when you're hungry, you sit down at a restaurant. You're like the ruler of an empire. "More drinks! Appetizers! Quickly, quickly! It will be the greatest meal of our lives." Then after the meal, you know, you've got the pants open, you've got the napkins destroyed, cigarette butt in the mashed potatoes. Then the check comes at that moment. People are always upset, you know. They're mystified by the check. "What is this? How could this be?" They start passing it around the table, "Does this look right to you? We're not hungry now. Why are we buying all this food?!"

Waitress: Yeah, can I take your order?
George: [to Jerry] Check the raiser.
Jerry: My bet? All right.. I'll open with a tuna sandwich.
Elaine: Tuna?
Jerry: Oh, the dolphin thing?
Elaine: They're dying in the nets.
Jerry: Oh. You know, the whole concept of lunch is based on tuna.
Elaine: Jerry, can't you incorporate one unselfish act in your daily routine?
Jerry: Hey, when I'm driving, I let people in ahead of me all the time. I'm always waving everybody in. "Go ahead, go ahead, go ahead." All right, all right. I'll have the chicken salad.
Waitress: Okay. [to George] What about you?
George: I'll have the tuna.

Kramer: Hey, where.. Where are you going? You gonna take a trip? The map... What...
Jerry: Yeah, I'm going to Vermont with Vanessa for a few days.
Kramer: Hey, can I use your place? I got a bunch of friends coming over this weekend.
Jerry: What friends?
Kramer: Well, it's just some people I met at a rock concert. [Jerry's phone rings] Do you mind if they use your bed? 'cause they're really good people, Jerry. I'm telling you. You know, they're anarchists. They're.. They're.. They're.. Huge.

Dry Cleaner: May I help you?
Jerry: Yeah. I picked up this shirt here yesterday. It's completely shrunk. There's absolutely no way I can wear it.
Dry Cleaner: When did you bring it in?
Jerry: What's the difference? Look at it! Do you see the size of this shirt?!
Dry Cleaner: You got a receipt?
Jerry: I can't find the receipt.
Dry Cleaner: You should get the receipt.
Jerry: Look, forget about the receipt, all right? Even if I had the receipt, look at it! It's a hand puppet. What am I gonna do with this?!
Dry Cleaner: Yes, but how do I know we did the shirt?
Jerry: What do you think this is a little scam I have? I take this tiny shirt all over the city conning dry cleaners out of money?! In fact, forget the money. I don't even want the money. I just once would like to hear a dry cleaner admit that something was their fault. That's what I want. I want an admission of guilt.
Dry Cleaner: Maybe you asked for it to be washed?
Jerry: No, dry-cleaned.
Dry Cleaner: Let me explain to you something. Okay? With certain types of fabrics, different chemicals can react, causing-
Jerry: You shrunk it! You know you shrunk it! Just tell me that you shrunk it!
Dry Cleaner: [quietly] I shrunk it.

[stand-up:]
Jerry: I think the only reason we go to the dry cleaner is so I can say to the dry cleaner, "Well, it's ruined." And of course, the dry cleaner can respond, "It's not our fault. We're not responsible. We just ruin the clothes. That ends our legal obligation." You see, the whole problem with dry cleaning is that we all believe that this is actually possible. Right? They're cleaning our clothes, but they're not getting anything wet. It's all dry. I know there's gotta be some liquids back there, some fluids that they're using. There's no such thing as dry cleaning. When you get something on your shirt, ever get something on your shirt and try to get it off like that [brushes shirt], that's dry cleaning. I don't think that's what they're doing back there. They don't have eighty guys going, "Come on, hurry up! There's a lot of shirts today."

[stand-up:]
Jerry: I'm not an investor. People always tell me, you should have your money working for you. I've decided I'll do the work. I'm gonna let the money relax. You know what I mean? 'Cause you send your money out there working for you, a lot of times, it gets fired. You go back there, "What happened? I had my money. It was here, it was working for me." "Yeah, I remember your money. Showing up late. Taking time off. We had to let him go."

Jerry: So, Big Daddy, I'm just curious. How much did you clear on your little transaction there? All told?
George: I don't like to discuss figures.
Jerry: How much?
George: I don't know, what? Eight thousand. It's a Hyundai. Get out of here. I told you not to sell. Simons made money, Wilkinson cleaned up.
Jerry: So, Wilkinson's out of the hospital now?
George: No. You'd be surprised. You don't recover that quickly from a nose job.

Elaine: I know, I know. I'm sorry I'm late.
Jerry: No problem.
Elaine: I dropped a grape.
George: Pardon?
Elaine: I dropped a grape in the kitchen and it disappeared. I couldn't find it. I was... I was literally on my knees for ten minutes looking for this stupid grape. I have no idea where it went.
Jerry: Were you crying? I mean, it's just a grape. You'll find it.
Elaine: No, I'm just getting over an allergy attack.