Jerry Quote #133

Quote from Jerry in The Statue

[stand-up:]
Jerry: I have to tell you that I got some very exciting news recently, and I don't know if I should really tell you exactly what it is because it's really not a definite thing yet. Well, I will tell you what I do know so far. According to the information that I have in the envelope that I received, it seems... that I may have already won some very valuable prizes. Well, thank you. Thank you very much. Well, thank you. It's very nice to hear that. But, in all honesty, I have to say, I didn't even know I was in this thing. But, according to the readout, it looks like I am among the top people that they are considering. You know, that's what annoys me about the sweepstakes companies, they always tease you with that, "You may have already won." I'd like once for a sweepstakes company to have some guts, come out with the truth, just tell people the truth one time. Send out envelopes, "You have definitely lost!" You turn it over, giant printing, "Not even close!" You open it up, there's this whole letter of explanation, "Even we cannot believe how badly you've done in this contest."

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 ‘The Statue’ Quotes

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: People are going to steal from you. You can't stop them. But, everybody has their own little personal security things. Things that they think will foil the crooks, you know? In your own mind, right? You go to the beach, go in the water, put your wallet in the sneaker. Who's gonna know? What criminal mind could penetrate this fortress of security? I tied a bow. They can't get through that. I put the wallet down by the toe of the sneaker. They never look there. They check the heel, they move on.

Quote from Kramer

[As Ray admires the state in his apartment, there's a knock at the door.]
Kramer: [o.s.] Police! Open up!
Ray: Police?
[When Ray opens the door a crack, Kramer barges and pins Ray against the wall, face first. He's wearing Jerry's grandfather's suit and hat.]
Kramer: Freeze, mother!
Ray: Hey..
Kramer: Shut up. Spread 'em. I said spread 'em! Oh, you're in big trouble son. Burglary, grand larceny, possession of stolen goods. And uh, uh... murder.
Ray: Murder?!
Kramer: Shut up! Keep 'em spread! Just make love to that wall, pervert!
Ray: I think you have me confused with somebody else.
Kramer: [tentatively] Is your name Ray?
Ray: Yeah.
Kramer: [angry] Yeah, you're the punk I'm looking for.
Ray: Hey, hey, are you a cop?
Kramer: Yeah, I'm a cop. I'm a good cop. I'm a damn good cop! [grabs the statue] Today's your lucky day, junior, 'cause I'm gonna let you off with a warning. Any more of this criminal activity, and you'll be sorry. You got me?
Ray: Got you? I don't even know what the hell you're talking about.
Kramer: Good. Good. Let's keep it that way. [exits]

Quote from Jerry

[stand-up:]
Jerry: I don't really feel that comfortable with a maid, either, because there's that guilt when you have someone cleaning your house. You know, you're sitting there on your sofa, and they go by with the vacuum, "I'm really sorry about this. I don't know why I let that stuff over there." And that's why I could never be a maid, because I would have an attitude. I'd find them, wherever they are in the house, "Oh, I suppose you couldn't do this? No, don't get up, let me clean up your filth. No, you couldn't dust. No, this is too tough, isn't it?"