[stand-up:]
Jerry: You know, why we're here? To be out. This is out. And out is one of the single most enjoyable experiences of life. People, did you ever hear people talking about "We should go out"? This is what they're talking about. This whole thing. We're all out now, no one is home. Not one person here is home, we're all out! There are people tryin' to find us, they don't know where we are. "Did you ring? I can't find him." "Where did he go?" "He didn't tell me where he was going". He must have gone out. You wanna go out. You get ready, you pick out the clothes, right? You take the shower, you get all ready, get the cash, get your friends, the car, the spot, the reservation. Then you stand around, what do you do? You go: "We gotta be getting back". Once you're out, you wanna get back. You wanna go to sleep, you wanna get up, you wanna go out again tomorrow, right? Where ever you are in life, it's my feeling, you've gotta go.

George: Listen, your stuff has to be done by now. Why don't you just see if it's dried?
Jerry: No, no, no. Don't interrupt the cycle. The machine is working. It knows what it's doing, just let it finish.
George: You're gonna "overdry" it.
Jerry: You, you can't "overdry".
George: Why not?
Jerry: Same as you can't "overwet". You see, once something is wet, it's wet. Same thing with death. Like once you die you're dead, right? Let's say you drop dead and I shoot you. You're not gonna die again. You're already dead. You can't "overdie", you can't "overdry".

[stand-up:]
Jerry: "Laundry-day" is the only exciting day in the live of clothes. It is. No, think about it, the washing machine is the nightclub of clothes. You know, it's dark, there's bubbles happening, they're all kind a dancing around in there. Shirt grabs the underwear, "C'mon babe, let's go". You come by, you open up the lid and they all... Socks are the most amazing article of clothing. They hate their lives. They're in the shoes with stinky feet, the boring drawers. The dryer is their only chance to escape and they all know it. They do escape from the dryer. They plan in it the hamper the night before. "Tomorrow, the dryer, I'm going. You wait here." The dryer door swings open, the sock is waiting up against the side wall. He hopes you don't see him. Then off he goes, down the road. [hums] They get buttons sowed on their face, join the puppet show. So they're showing me on television the detergent for getting out blood stains. Is this a violent image to anybody? Blood stains? I mean, I, come on, you got a T-shirt with blood-stains all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem right now. Maybe you ought to get the harpoon out your chest first.

[stand-up:]
Jerry: The dating world is not a fun world. It's a pressure world, it's a world of tension, it's a world of pain. And you know, if a woman comes over to my house, I gotta get that bathroom ready, 'cause she needs things. Women need equipment. I don't know what they need. I know I don't have it, I know that. You know what they need, women seem to need a lot of cotton balls. This has always has been one of the amazing things to me. I have no cotton balls. We're all human beings, what is the story? I've never had one. I've never bought one, I've never needed one. I've never been in a situation, when I thought to myself: "I could use a cotton ball right now. I can certainly get out of this mess." Women need them and they don't need one or two, they need thousands of them, they need bags. They're like peat-moss bags. Have you ever seen these giant bags? They're huge and two days later, they're out. They're gone. The bag is empty. Where are the cotton-balls, ladies? What are you doing with them? The only time I ever see'em is in the bottom of your little waste basket, there's two or three that look like they've been through some horrible experience. Tortured, interrogated, I don't know what happened to them. I once went out with a girl who's left a little zip-lock-baggy of cotton balls over my house. I don't know what to do with them, I took them out, I put them on my kitchen floor like little tumbleweeds. I thought maybe the cockroaches would see it, figure this is a dead town. "Let's move on." The dating world is a world of pressure. Let's face it, a date is a job-interview, that lasts all night. The only difference between a date and a job-interview is not many job-interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it. You know, "Well, Bill, the boss thinks you're the man for the position, why don't you strip down and meet some of the people you'll be workin' with?".

[stand-up:]
Jerry: I swear, I have absolutely no idea what women are thinking. I don't get it, OK? I, I, I admit, I, I'm not getting the signals. I am not getting it! Women, they're so subtle, their little... Everything they do is subtle. Men are not subtle. We are obvious. Women know what men want, men know what men want, what do we want? We want women, that's it! It's the only thing we know for sure. It really is: we want women. How do we get them? Oh, we don't know 'bout that, we don't know. The next step after that we have no idea. This is why you see men honking car-horns, yelling from construction sites. These are the best ideas we've had so far. The car horn honk. Is that a beauty? Have you seen men doing this? What is this? The man is in the car, the woman walks by the front of the car, he honks. [imitates horn] This man is out of ideas. How does it...? [imitates horn again] "I don't think she likes me"... The amazing thing is, that we still get women, don't we? Men, I mean, men are with women. You see men with women. How are men getting women? Many people wonder. Let me tell you a little bit about our organization. "Where ever women are, we have a man working on the situation right now. Now, he may not be our best man, OK, we have a lot of areas to cover, but someone from our staff is on the scene." That's why, I think, men get frustrated, when we see women reading articles, like: "Where to meet men?". We're here. We are everywhere. We're honking our horns to serve you better.

George: You know, I can't believe you're bringing in an extra bed for a woman that wants to sleep with you. Why don't you bring in an extra guy too?

Jerry: See to me, that button is in the worst possible spot. The second button literally makes or breaks the shirt, look at it. It's too high. It's in no-man's-land. You look like you live with your mother.
George: Are you through?
Jerry: You do of course try on, when you buy?
George: Yes, it was purple, I liked it, I don't actually recall considering the buttons.
Jerry: Oh, you don't recall?
George: Uh, no, not at this time.
Jerry: Well, senator, I just like to know, what you knew and when you knew it.

George: Are you sure this is decaf? Where's the orange indicator?
Waitress: It's missing. I have to do it in my head: decaf left, regular right, decaf left, regular right... It's very challenging work.
Jerry: Can you relax? It's a cup of coffee, Claire is a professional waitress.
Waitress: Trust me, George, no one has any interest in seeing you on caffeine.

George: What is she like?
Jerry: Oh, she's really great. I mean, she's got like a real warmth about her and she's really bright and really pretty and uh... The conversation though, I mean, it was... Talking with her is like talking with you, but, you know, obviously much better.

George: So, you know, what, what happened?
Jerry: Oh, nothing happened, you know, but is was great.
George: Oh, nothing happened, but it was...
Jerry: Yeah.
George: This is great!
Jerry: Yeah.
George: So, you know, she calls and says she wants to go out with you tomorrow night? God bless! Devil you!
Jerry: Yeah, well, not exactly. I mean, she said, you know, she called this morning and said she had to come in for a seminar and maybe we'll get together.
George: Ho ho ho. "Had to"? "Had to come in"?
Jerry: Yeah, but...
George: "Had to come in" and "maybe we'll get together"? "Had to" and "Maybe"?
Jerry: Yeah!
George: No. No. No, I hate to tell you this: you're not gonna see this woman.
Jerry: What? Are you serious? Why, why did she call?
George: How do I know? Maybe, you know, maybe she wanted to be polite.
Jerry: To be polite? You are insane!
George: All right. All right, I didn't want to tell you this, you wanna know why she called you?
Jerry: Yes!
George: You're a back-up, you're a second-line, a just-in-case, a B-plan, a contingency!
Jerry: Oh, I get it, this is about the button.