Elliot Quote #631
Denise: Paige's biopsy is negative. Great. You know what's gonna happen next.
Elliot: I told you so, I told you so. I told you so, I told you so, I told you so. And now in French. Je te l'ai dit. Oui c'est ça, je te l'ai dit. You want some German, Denise, huh? Ich hab's gesagt, ja das stimmt, ich hab's gesagt. I told her so.
Denise: [v.o.] Maybe she won't rub it in my face.
Elliot: I told you so! [dances] Yeah, I'm not gonna do the splits here because this floor's disgusting and I'm wearing a thong, but I can bring it home with a little robot for you. Robot. Told you so.
Quote from Dr. Cox
J.D.: [v.o.] Now that Dr. Cox was the Chief of Medicine, I had become the guy everyone counted on to fight for the things the hospital needed. Yep, I was the one person who would get him to say...
Dr. Cox: No.
J.D.: You need to hire a few more nurses.
Dr. Cox: Look, Tammy. We don't have the money. If you want to go out and raise the cash yourself, feel free. Maybe you could sell your eggs to a fertility clinic, or sell that beard of yours to the Ridiculous Museum. Better yet, you could make a list of all the people you drive insane and tell them that for a nominal fee, you'll never speak to them again. You, of course, offer them a monthly subscription at a reduced rate, just to reel them in. And then after a while of you not talking to them, people will forget just how annoying you are and they'll let their subscription run out. And, bang! That's when you show up at their house, and you drive them insane all over again by speaking to them. And here's the kicker. When everyone's trying to re-subscribe, you lay it on them that the price is now quadruple. And I'm predicting, and this is a low-end guesstimate, you're looking at about $100,000,000 a quarter, easy. You give the hospital a hundred thou, we hire a few nurses. But, until then, you go tell Carla it ain't happening.
J.D.: Wow. That was super fun.
Dr. Cox: Get out!
Quote from Janitor
J.D.: [v.o.] Plus, with my new role, people were treating me with a new found respect.
Janitor: I don't like how you're trying to make people treat you with a new found sense of respect.
J.D.: I'm not making people do anything.
Janitor: How else do you explain it? Did you hypnotize them? Are you trying to hypnotize me? 'cause that's not gonna work. I'm already hypnotized. Fifteen years ago, I'm in Vegas, I volunteer to be part of this guy's act. Half way through the show, fire alarm goes off and I never get snapped out. There's some word out there floating around like an on/off switch for me that if I ever hear it, I'll just go completely unconscious.
J.D.: Is it "sassafras"?
Janitor: It is "sassafras", you're right. It's amazing, of all the words in the English language-
J.D.: Boondoggle. [the Janitor drops his head] Yes! That was it?
Janitor: You're such an ass. Here's your warning. If you start walking around here like you're the big cheese, I'm gonna have to punish you, okay?
Quote from My Dirty Secret
Dr. Kelso: Next contestant, Dr. Reid.
Elliot: Mr. Murdock was admitted with a COPD exacerbation; he responded well to antibiotics and bronchial dilators but he did develop a rash on his, um... private area.
Dr. Kelso: Sorry, on his what?
Elliot: His peepers.
Dr. Kelso: Excuse me?
Elliot: His schwing-schwong.
Dr. Kelso: Dr. Reid, it's bad enough you run out on a patient in the middle of a pelvic exam. But you are a doctor, and you need to be able to say simple clinical words like "penis," or "vagina," or "anal."
Elliot: "Anal" is not a dirty word, sir.
Dr. Kelso: Tell that to my wife.
Quote from My Boss' Free Haircut
Carla: Thank you so much for letting me stay here, Elliot.
Elliot: Please. And I still have only one rule. I cannot talk or be talked to while I'm on the toilet. And I also cannot talk or be talked to by someone who's on the toilet.
Carla: You told me yesterday, Elliot. I get it.
Elliot: You say you get it and yet you still managed to knock this morning and ask if I wanted coffee.
Carla: Oh, I just thought that-
Elliot: Uh, buh-buh-buh-buh-buh. Pretend that never happened or I won't poo again for two months.