Kylie: So, uh, what's wrong with this guy?
J.D.: Well, let's see. Fatigue, fever, malaise. Have you been to Hong Kong, sir?
Man: Yeah.
J.D.: [v.o.] And then I said something stupid.
J.D.: Could be SARS.
J.D.: [v.o.] I forgot that if any doctor suspects SARS, it's cause for immediate quarantine lockdown.
[fantasy: Indiana Jones theme plays as sirens blare and doors shutter across the I.C.U. Jordan, now wearing a fedora, dives under the shutter as it closes]
Dr. Cox: What have you done, Newbie?
Danni: [holding a flask] Quarantinis, anyone?

J.D.: [v.o.] As for me, I couldn't help but imagine what my own funeral would be like.
[fantasy:]
Choir: [singing] My girl wants to party all the time Party all the time
Minister: Yeah! And as you know, J.D. only had two requests. And that is that the choir sing the song that would remind us of how much he loved to party and that he could get one last hug from each of you.
[J.D.'s casket is stood vertically and his arms are spread out]
Elliot: You are the only one I've never faked it with.
Keith: It's true.
Dr. Cox: Hell, I love you, Newbie. I should have done this a long time ago. [hugs J.D.]
J.D.: I knew you loved me. I just had to fake my own death to prove it. He loves me everyone. Can I get an Amen?
All: Amen!
J.D.: Whoo, got him good! [Dr. Cox breaks J.D.'s neck] Worth it.
[reality:]
J.D.: And then we'd have my real funeral.
Dr. Kelso: Are you an idiot?
J.D.: No, sir, I'm a dreamer.

Janitor: That good/evil thing was in my head because I was watching Unbreakable by Muh. Night Shyamalan.
J.D.: It's "M. Night", you- You don't say "Muh Night". It's- It's M. Night, no Muh.
Janitor: No, it's Muh. Like Cee. Thomas Howell or Fff. Murray Abraham.
J.D.: Don't think so.
Janitor: No Muh?
J.D.: No Muh.
Janitor: Well, that's funny. 'cause we've bowling the other night, and he says, "Man, no one ever says my name right." I said, "Muh, you've got two bigger problems than that. One of them is that seven/ten split you left for yourself. And the other one is, how about trying to write a movie without a big twist ending." Well, he took offence, got pissy, wouldn't talk me for a good hour, but he loosened up on the hay ride.

J.D.: It's a book of all your rants. I always wrote them down.
Dr. Cox: Wow.
J.D.: Check it out. It's leather-bound. I did the calligraphy. The number next to each passage is a rating system from 1 to 5, depending on how much that particular rant hurt me emotionally. One being something I could easily shrug off, and 5 being something that still makes me want to cut myself.
Jordan: Oh, look: "The only way you could be less productive right now is if you were, in fact, the wall on what you're leaning against."
J.D.: That one used to be a five, but now it's a four. I still well up when I think about it, but now I can fall asleep after.

J.D.: [v.o.] I'm so bummed about Mrs. Stonewater, I totally spaced and forgot what's wrong with Benjamin here. Is he the one with the broken ribs? Nope. Maybe he is the guy with sinus polyps? I don't think there is any polyps, but he definitely has some oily skin issues. I should try him onto that dynamite apricot scrub I stole from Elliot. Oh, come on. Focus. I suppose I could go get his chart, but I left it all the way downstairs. Come on, man, you got eight years of medical experience. Use it. Maybe you can smell it out I want to say it smells like non-Hodgkin's lymphoma. What are you doing? You don't know what any diseases smell like. Ah, to hell with it.
J.D.: What do you have again?
Man: Non-Hodgkin's lymphoma.
J.D.: Of course you do, you reek of it. I'm sorry.
J.D.: [v.o.] See, Benjamin understands that you're human, that you're having kind of an overwhelming day. Give him a smile, as a thank you.
Man: I want a new doctor.
J.D.: Uh, no, I've been working my butt off taking care of you for the last two weeks, so I'm afraid the answer is "no", Benjamin.
Man: My name is Roger.
J.D.: I'll get you a new doctor.