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42Quotes from ‘Milk Monkey’

Schitt's Creek: Milk Monkey

208. Milk Monkey

Aired February 23, 2016

Johnny spots an opportunity to make money in raw milk. Meanwhile, David is caught in the middle of Moira and Jocelyn's election fight.

Quote from David

David: You know, being approachable isn't that important anyway, The Queen hasn't smiled since the 70's, and her birthdays are still very well attended.
Moira: Exactly! Wait. What are you saying?

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: It's just a checkpoint, okay? I've been through tons of these in Johannesburg, um, it's like a drive thru, except everybody has a gun.
Johnny: When were you in Johannesburg?!
Alexis: I don't know. I remember I just got my braces off, so...
Johnny: You were 14, in South Africa?!

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Just remember, no sudden movements, do not reach for the glove box, and not matter what happens do not tell them your real name.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Stevie! Stevie, you're an average Joe... Anne. You must have an opinion.
Stevie: On what?
Moira: About my approachability. Jocelyn seemed to insinuate that I am not at one with the people. But I've always believed that you lead with your best foot forward, and the masses will follow!
David: You sound a bit like a dictator.
Moira: Oh enough, David. Stevie understands!

Quote from Twyla

Twyla: Between us, I had a bad experience with black market milk.
Johnny: Oh?
Twyla: Granted, I bought it from a man who I later found out was a drifter. Anyway, it made a lot of people sick, and I am almost positive now it wasn't cow's milk.
Johnny: Okay.
Twyla: It might've been elk's milk. Is elk's milk a thing?
Johnny: I don't know. I don't know.

Quote from Moira

Moira: David? David! David, I have an urgent campaign related question: I am approachable...
David: Is that a question?
Moira: Yes, the question is: I am approachable...
David: That sounds more like a fact that you're sharing with me.
Moira: Are you saying you disagree?
David: With your statement? Um...

Quote from Stevie

Moira: As a strong willed modern woman, with a high school degree, you know how hard we have to work to be taken seriously!
Stevie: I actually went to college, but sure. I would vote for you based solely on the fact that you wore this outfit to the cafe for breakfast.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: You're thinking about becoming a drug dealer? I mean, I get it, it's fast money, and no one would ever suspect you.
Johnny: I'm thinking of selling raw milk.
Alexis: Oh. I don't think that's right for you.
Johnny: But selling drugs is?!
Alexis: Okay, I had a friend in Venice Beach who sold raw milk, and his entire compound was raided. I mean, he also sold drugs, but like...

Quote from Moira

Moira: I saw Jocelyn today.
David: You did?
Moira: Mmm-hmm. She looked very different. Mostly improved, though I must say, I didn't like the matchy matchy skirt and blazer! No, she looked like an ageing stewardess from a Latvian airline!
David: I told her not to wear the jacket with the skirt, so I don't know.

Quote from Twyla

Johnny: I'm just looking for someone who sells raw milk. From a cow. That's a big business right now.
Alexis: What's a big business right now?
Johnny: Raw milk.
Twyla: Shhh! You would make a terrible drug dealer, Mr. Rose.

Quote from Moira

Moira: While I'm glad you talked me out of the mohawk, I think these people deserve a little glamour in their political campaign. I was always impressed by those masquerade key parties at the Sarkozys'.

Quote from Alexis

Johnny: Alexis? What is this?
Alexis: The twelve things of milk that you asked for.
Johnny: The twelve "things" of milk? I didn't ask for twelve "things" of milk, I didn't- I didn't say "things!" No, I asked for twelve pints!
Alexis: Is there one missing?
Johnny: Alexis, these are not pints! Pints are little bottles!
Alexis: Oh! Okay, 'cause I was wondering why would Dad order $300.00 worth of milk?
Johnny: This cost $300.00?!
Alexis: Yeah, well like, three-ish. I don't... Hmm. Um, okay well, $394.40, so I guess kind of closer to $400.

Quote from Roland

Woman Officer: Turn off your truck, please.
Roland: Yes, sir.
Woman Officer: Okay, who do we have here?
Roland: Oh, um that's uh, Jennifer. And then he's um Jacob. And then I'm also Jacob. Well, you can look at our drivers' licences, if you don't believe me!
Johnny: Oh, I don't think that'll be necessary, Jacob.
Roland: Yeah, I'm just joking. We don't have drivers' licences.
Johnny: Um No, yeah, we do have driver's licenses, we don't have those names on our driver's license.
Woman Officer: I'm gonna talk to someone else.

Quote from Roland

Woman Officer: I'm gonna need you to pull over, Jacob.
Alexis: Jacob?
Johnny: Jacob.
Alexis: Jacob?
Roland: What?!
Alexis: She wants you to pull over.
Roland: Oh, I'm- I'm sorry, I thought you were talking to the other Jacob.

Quote from Johnny

Moira: They call this a candidates' breakfast?!
Johnny: Well, it can't be, Moira, there's a woman in cargo shorts.

Quote from Moira

Twyla: Good morning, Mrs. Rose. Here's your name tag.
Moira: Oh, bless you, dear, but a name tag does not go with this ensemble.
Twyla: Oh, it's just so people know who you are. Not that people won't know, when they see you in that outfit. It's very shiny.
Moira: You're too kind.

Quote from Bob

Bob: Alright, well, give me seven bucks, we'll call it even.
Johnny: Seven dollars?!
Bob: It's raw milk we're talking here, it's all natural, unpasteurized, straight from the cow's breast, to your mouth.
Johnny: You paid seven dollars a bottle for this?! Where do you get it?
Bob: Oh, Johnny, I- I'm not giving up my supplier. I mean, uh, unpasteurized milk is illegal.
Johnny: Yeah, okay, Bob, you know, I get it, but we're not talking heroin here.
Bob: Okay well, you know, maybe you're used to being on the wrong side of the law, but I for one am not going to prison. Gwen has already told me she won't wait for me, so I'm counting on you to be, uh, discreet.
Johnny: Right, okay Bob, I'll keep it on the down low.

Quote from Ted

Alexis: I was wondering where you ran off to.
Ted: Yeah well, it's actually kind of a funny story. Do you remember that couples vacation that I booked for us right before you broke off our engagement?
Alexis: Again, I'm-I'm super sorry about that.
Ted: No, no, it's awesome. 'Cause they actually gave me the "Broken Hearts Special." Three extra nights at no extra charge, as long as I could prove that I didn't actually make it down the aisle.
Alexis: Hmm! [laughs] Look at you, and now you have a bike!
Ted: Yeah! Yeah, no, I got almost full price back for the engagement ring, and I've always wanted one of these, and it cost less than the ring, so...

Quote from Ted

Ted: My day's been stacked, doing rounds to some farms, checking on the animals, and now some house calls, But I gotta say, it's a lot more fun now that I've got this puppy. Pun intended.
Alexis: [laughs] Look at you! It's like if the "Sons of Anarchy" had a vet.
Ted: Yeah! Except they don't wear helmets on that show. Which I get, but, it's a little dangerous.

Quote from Johnny

Johnny: Well, I just think it can be profitable, if I can find a way to capitalize on it.
Alexis: Um... Oh, I just saw Ted. Ted knows a lot of farmers, so maybe he can point you in the right direction.
Johnny: Oh okay, good, good. Good, maybe you can uh, give him a call?
Alexis: Mm, I just feel like that'd be kind of awkward right now.
Johnny: You know, your trail of discarded boyfriends, Alexis, is making it very difficult to get anything done in this world.

Quote from Alexis

Johnny: Alexis, what am I gonna do with $400.00 worth of raw milk?!
Alexis: Sell it!
Johnny: To whom?!
Alexis: To your customers!
Johnny: I don't have any customers!
Alexis: Well then, why would you order so much milk?
Johnny: I didn't! You did!
Alexis: Okay, why are you yelling at me?
Johnny: Why am I yelling?!
Alexis: Ugh! I try and do something nice for somebody, you think I would at least deserve a "thank you!"
Johnny: Oh well, thank you, Alexis, thank you for ordering an insane amount of milk that I will never be able to sell!
Alexis: You're welcome!

Quote from Johnny

Roland: This is a lot of raw milk, Johnny.
Johnny: Oh, believe me, I know.
Alexis: How many times do you want me to apologize?!
Johnny: Well, try one, and let's see what happens.
Alexis: Okay, I'm sorry you weren't more clear about ordering milk!
Johnny: Mm, not a proper apology.

Quote from Moira

David: Well, I'm sorry, I felt very conflicted about the whole thing.
Moira: Of course you were. Now will you be a doll, and fetch Mummy a knife?
David: A knife?
Moira: Oh, I'm sorry, I think you'll find one lodged in the middle of my back.
David: Okay, well, that's a lot.
Moira: And when you pull it out of my back...
David: Okay, I'm gonna take a shower.
Moira: You can plunge it into my heart!
David: Okay, all right.
Moira: Plunge it into my heart!

Quote from Roland

Johnny: Roland. How are 'ya?
Roland: And Elvis! I'm so glad you could make it. [snickers]
Moira: Excuse me?!
Roland: Well, because you look like Elvis in that outfit there, you know. And but the early Elvis, not the... [grunts, holds arms in front of stomach]
Jocelyn: Okay Roland, stop it.

Quote from Jocelyn

Jocelyn: Moira, all anyone can talk about is that outfit. Hah! You are a hit!
Moira: Huh, well no one has said as such to me.
Jocelyn: It's just that, you know, what you're wearing is something that people around here aren't really used to, or comfortable with. But that's what makes it great.
Moira: Oh, this is going to be a fun campaign.
Johnny: Yeah, I think it already is.

Quote from David

Stevie: You know, if you expect me to drive you to work, it would be nice if you were ready on time.
David: I am ready! I just have to get my jacket, change out of these shoes, and grab my bag.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Nice bike! Oh, my go- Oh, my god! Ted?
Ted: Alexis!
Alexis: [gasps] You look good. Like, really good, like, super sun kissed, and muscle-y.
Ted: Thank you, I've been working out a bit. And travelling, hit the beach pretty hard for a few weeks. And boy, did it hit me back.

Quote from Jocelyn

Jocelyn: I usually just come here when I need to kind of freshen up my wardrobe.
David: I see, well, enjoy.
Jocelyn: Just looking for a few things for the campaign. A couple of pieces that might catch the eye.
David: Got it.
Jocelyn: I've got quite the stiff competition with your mother.
David: Mmm-hmm.
Jocelyn: Of course I wouldn't want to create a conflict of interest for you.
David: Got it. Well, I have brought in some pretty decent pieces to the store, you're just gonna have to search pretty hard for them, so...

Quote from David

Jocelyn: Does this print come in a different colour?
David: Uh, theoretically. Yeah, um, is it- You're look- You want to have- You want that in another colour?
Jocelyn: Maybe? Unless you think that there's another top that might be better.
David: Well, I mean, there are other tops in the store.
Jocelyn: Uh huh, okay well, maybe you could, without being specific, point me in the general direction of something that might be more suitable?
David: Hmm. Well, it's not really up to me. Um, and I am supporting my mother in this campaign.
Jocelyn: Oh yeah, yeah.
David: But if I were you, um, I might look for a a blouse maybe in in this general area. [separates items out on the rack] Uh, maybe a-a skirt, and a jacket. Maybe on this rack here. But again, it's all- It's all you. So...
Jocelyn: Okay! Thank you, David.
David: For what? I didn't do anything.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Good afternoon, Jazzagals. I have a great warm-up exercise I'd like to share with you.
Twyla: Oh! Okay, I think we're just waiting for Jocelyn.
Moira: Again? I don't know how anyone can one manage a town when they can't even manage their own time.

Quote from Roland

Roland: Okay, quiet, you two! You're scared, all right, I get it. That's why you came to me.
Johnny: We came to you because you have a truck.
Roland: And because you know if anybody can navigate the dark underworld of the raw milk game, it's me.
Johnny: You said it was a milk co-op.
Roland: Uh, it is, but these raw milk guys can be loose cannons. Just remember, if things go south, there's a loaded BB gun in the back.

Quote from Roland

Alexis: What is that?
Roland: Oh, my God, it's the cops! [brakes squeal]
Alexis: Alexis: Don't stop!
Johnny: No, it's nothing, it's probably an accident!
Roland: I'm gettin' out of here!
Johnny: Roland, Roland!
Alexis: Stop, it's so conspicuous!
Roland: I know it's conspicuous! You're acting like I've never done this before!

Quote from Roland

Roland: Hey Johnny, Johnny, Johnny! If this turns into a fire fight, um you're my human shield, and we'll use her as a bargaining chip.
Johnny: Yeah, okay, well, that's not gonna happen.

Quote from Ronnie

Ronnie: So then my Uncle Ralph marries his third wife. What do you think her name was?
Woman: Gayle!
Ronnie: The man marries three Gayles! [Jazzagals laugh]

Quote from Jocelyn

Twyla: Wow, you look amazing!
Ronnie: Somebody went to the beauty salon!
Jocelyn: Oh no, this is just a little refresh.
Moira: It's very very glamorous. So we've scrapped the whole approachable angle, have we?
Jocelyn: Who says this has anything to do with the campaign, Moira?

Quote from Jocelyn

Lena: I love your top, where'd you get it?
Jocelyn: Oh, just a shop in Elmdale.
Moira: Colour me impressed. It takes a real eye to find something of quality at a clothier in Elmdale.
Jocelyn: Oh no, just a little bit of luck, and the right salesperson.

Quote from Moira

Jocelyn: Any of that vodka left?
Ronnie: Oh yeah, Moira brought plenty. [Moira throws a plastic cup at Jocelyn]
Jocelyn: And here I thought you were against this type of campaigning.
Moira: Who says this has anything to do with the campaign?

Quote from Johnny

Woman Officer: Jennifer?
Alexis: Actually, my birth name is Angelica.
Woman Officer: We're out here today checking for illegal game. Have you folks been hunting?
Johnny: Hunting? No, no. We don't, uh, hunt. I mean, there's n-no hunting going on here. No illegal- Yeah, you won't find any illegal game here, that's for sure.

Quote from Johnny

Woman Officer: So, what do you have there in the back?
Alexis: Um, actually, we're just taking some milk to a co-op.
Woman Officer: What kind of milk?
Alexis: Cow milk.
Woman Officer: So you three are dairy farmers?
Johnny: Mmm-hmm. Yes, yes, dairy farmers. Hard work, hard work, 'cause you get up you know, so early, but, uh...
Alexis: But we love it. We do.
Woman Officer: You farm in that suit?
Johnny: When the weather's good.

Quote from Moira

Moira: You've had a long day. Come sit. Don't be such a prickly pear. I just wanna check in with my son. My first born. [sighs] So, you're enjoying that new job of yours?
David: Um, it's a job. So sure.
Moira: I was wondering what kind of customers do you get at a store like that?
David: Different kinds. Different people come in.
Moira: Are they mostly locals from Elmdale, or do people travel from far and wide to benefit from the expertise of a David Rose?
David: Okay, well if someone is looking for my advice, then I am more than happy to provide.

Quote from Roland

Johnny: Well, there it goes. $400.00 worth of milk.
Alexis: I feel like this is partly my fault.
Johnny: Partly?!
Alexis: Roland was the one who completely blew it back there!
Roland: What?! Did you not see me playing that cop? Oh, my God, she didn't know which way was up when I was done with her!

Quote from Roland

Alexis: The smell of this milk is making me super nauseous.
Roland: Oh come on, guys, let's not end on a down note here, this was a good day, let's end on an up note!
Johnny: Enough, Roland, just get the cans in the truck, please.
Roland: Oh, okay. I'll grab one.
Johnny: Pick it up and put it on the truck!
Roland: Yes! Oh, okay. Grab that one, put that on the truck, and then I'll organize the rest so you can grab 'em, and put 'em on the truck.


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