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32Quotes from ‘The Candidate’

Schitt's Creek: The Candidate

207. The Candidate

Aired February 16, 2016

After a rumour spreads that Moira is running for town council, Johnny considers throwing his hat into the ring. Meanwhile, Alexis struggles being alone, while David joins Stevie at a bar.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: I'm serious, David, I'm not coming. Have fun, though. Oh, and in case you wake up in a chair with your hands duct taped together, you can snap the duct tape by just raising your hands over your head, and then bringing them down really hard.
David: Thanks.

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Quote from Moira

Twyla: You running for town council!
Moira: What, excuse me?
Johnny: You're running for town council?
Moira: No, I'm not running for town council.
Twyla: Oh, I must've misheard. Everyone was talking about you standing up to council last week, so I just assumed
Moira: Never assume, dear, it makes an ass out of both of us.

Quote from Moira

Johnny: It's not that absurd an idea, Moira. You know, being on town council might give you an outlet to channel all that "passion" you have for this town.
Moira: I'd sooner poke my eyes out with hat pins.
Johnny: Well, that's subtle.

Quote from Johnny

Twyla: Well, I think you would make a great councillor.
Johnny: Well, the right person might be able to get a lot done around here.
Moira: The right person, John, wouldn't be caught dead in this, they'd be running somewhere a little more-
Twyla: What?
Johnny: Moira.
Moira: Okay, maybe I should say somewhere less-
Twyla: Less what?
Moira: What's the word I'm trying to think of?
Johnny: Well, let's hope we don't find it, okay?

Quote from Bob

Johnny: Bob, now that Ray's stepped down from council, I gather his seat is up for grabs?
Bob: "His seat is up for grabs?" I could say something pretty inappropriate right now.
Johnny: Well, I'm hoping you don't.
Bob: No, but I could, that's a real set up.

Quote from Twyla

Alexis: I was thinking we could have a little ladies' night at my place.
Twyla: Just the two of us?
Alexis: Yeah! Come by around eight.
Twyla: I'm working tonight, but maybe this weekend? Or are you with Mutt on weekends?
Alexis: Um no, because we broke up.
Twyla: I'm sorry to hear that. Although, part of me is a little relieved. Since you did tell me to break up with him, and then you dated him...
Alexis: That's so sweet of you, but I'm gonna be fine.

Quote from Roland

Johnny: Well, I just stopped by to pick up a nomination form for town council.
Roland: You know, I gotta hand it to you. Um, it takes a brave man to face defeat yet again, when his ego is so battered and bruised.
Johnny: Well, I don't plan on losing, but thank you for the vote of confidence.
Roland: Johnny, nobody plans on losing. But with all due respect, this is a kind of a different playing field for you.
Johnny: Roland, I ran the second largest retail video chain in North America, so...
Roland: Well, that's good to hear, so you're used to coming in second, huh?
Johnny: Could I get a nomination form, please?!
Roland: Look I'm just trying to help you out here, okay? I've been in politics for 18 years, and let me tell you something, pal, it ain't a cakewalk, okay?! Say goodbye to your privacy. You walk into a restaurant, everybody's gonna know who you are!
Johnny: Well, everyone knows everyone here, because there's only one restaurant.
Roland: I mean, just taking your boy for ice cream cone can turn into a media circus.
Johnny: Well, your son is 30, and you never see him.

Quote from Moira

Moira: I'm sorry, which rumour are you talking about?
Johnny: The one about me running for council.
Moira: No, that was about me, John. You were with me when Twyla said that. If this continues, I'll have to call a neurologist.

Quote from Stevie

Alexis: Is it hard for you?
Stevie: Uh, is what hard for me?
Alexis: Like, being by yourself here? Like, you're just totally okay to sit here all day by yourself?
Stevie: That's why I took the job.
Alexis: Mmm-hmm. Okay. And while you're here, by yourself, you never get this almost uncontrollable urge to talk to people, or be complimented, or..?
Stevie: I know everyone in this town, so for the most part, I would rather be here by myself than engage in meaningless conversation with people I don't care about.
Alexis: Totally. Mmhm And why is that?
Stevie: Because I enjoy my own company more.
Alexis: Of course. Of course.

Quote from David

David: Hmm. On a scale of one to I'm-gonna-get-beat-up by-an-angry-local, where do we see this look fall?
Alexis: Um, like, easy six.
David: Okay.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Where are you going?
David: I am going to a sketchy bar on the outskirts of town.
Alexis: And nobody invited me?! You know how at home I am at sketchy bars!
Alexis: Who are you going with?
David: With Stevie, we're gonna meet some randoms. So um, when I go missing, just feel free to tell people that the last place I was seen was at a sketchy bar on the outskirts of town meeting randoms.
Alexis: Okay well, this isn't fair, David. I'm the one who should be at a sketchy bar meeting randoms. I'm the one who should go missing!

Quote from Johnny

Moira: I'm sorry, John, I just got swept up in it.
Johnny: No, no, listen as long as one of us is running, okay? That's the important thing. It doesn't matter which one of us is running. I thought it would be me, but then you talked me out of it! But that's okay!
Moira: Please, John, I'm going to need you every step of the way.
Johnny: And I'll be right behind you Moira, supporting you, because you're the one running, and I'm not!
Moira: How long are we going to be doing this?
Johnny: Oh, just a few more minutes, at least.

Quote from Stevie

Stevie: It's not usually this dead. It's like everybody saw you coming, and left.
David: Is this really what our lives have become? Sitting in some sad bar waiting to get laid?
Stevie: Well it's this, or the Internet.
David: Oh, I did have a match earlier. Um, who is 79 miles away.
Stevie: Well, if you start walking now, you'll get there before breakfast.

Quote from Stevie

Stevie: Oh, uh, I notice that man is no longer sleeping under the pool table.
David: Well, I'm surprisingly good at pool. So...
Stevie: Hmm. Wait a second, is this like a reverse hustle, where you say you're good, but you're actually terrible?
David: Um, I don't know.
Stevie: Do you wanna break?
David: Um, from what?
Stevie: Oh, this is gonna be fun.


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