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32Quotes from ‘The Candidate’

Schitt's Creek: The Candidate

207. The Candidate

Aired February 16, 2016

After a rumour spreads that Moira is running for town council, Johnny considers throwing his hat into the ring. Meanwhile, Alexis struggles being alone, while David joins Stevie at a bar.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: I'm serious, David, I'm not coming. Have fun, though. Oh, and in case you wake up in a chair with your hands duct taped together, you can snap the duct tape by just raising your hands over your head, and then bringing them down really hard.
David: Thanks.

Quote from Moira

Twyla: You running for town council!
Moira: What, excuse me?
Johnny: You're running for town council?
Moira: No, I'm not running for town council.
Twyla: Oh, I must've misheard. Everyone was talking about you standing up to council last week, so I just assumed
Moira: Never assume, dear, it makes an ass out of both of us.

Quote from Moira

Johnny: It's not that absurd an idea, Moira. You know, being on town council might give you an outlet to channel all that "passion" you have for this town.
Moira: I'd sooner poke my eyes out with hat pins.
Johnny: Well, that's subtle.

Quote from Johnny

Twyla: Well, I think you would make a great councillor.
Johnny: Well, the right person might be able to get a lot done around here.
Moira: The right person, John, wouldn't be caught dead in this, they'd be running somewhere a little more-
Twyla: What?
Johnny: Moira.
Moira: Okay, maybe I should say somewhere less-
Twyla: Less what?
Moira: What's the word I'm trying to think of?
Johnny: Well, let's hope we don't find it, okay?

Quote from Bob

Johnny: Bob, now that Ray's stepped down from council, I gather his seat is up for grabs?
Bob: "His seat is up for grabs?" I could say something pretty inappropriate right now.
Johnny: Well, I'm hoping you don't.
Bob: No, but I could, that's a real set up.

Quote from Twyla

Alexis: I was thinking we could have a little ladies' night at my place.
Twyla: Just the two of us?
Alexis: Yeah! Come by around eight.
Twyla: I'm working tonight, but maybe this weekend? Or are you with Mutt on weekends?
Alexis: Um no, because we broke up.
Twyla: I'm sorry to hear that. Although, part of me is a little relieved. Since you did tell me to break up with him, and then you dated him...
Alexis: That's so sweet of you, but I'm gonna be fine.

Quote from Roland

Johnny: Well, I just stopped by to pick up a nomination form for town council.
Roland: You know, I gotta hand it to you. Um, it takes a brave man to face defeat yet again, when his ego is so battered and bruised.
Johnny: Well, I don't plan on losing, but thank you for the vote of confidence.
Roland: Johnny, nobody plans on losing. But with all due respect, this is a kind of a different playing field for you.
Johnny: Roland, I ran the second largest retail video chain in North America, so...
Roland: Well, that's good to hear, so you're used to coming in second, huh?
Johnny: Could I get a nomination form, please?!
Roland: Look I'm just trying to help you out here, okay? I've been in politics for 18 years, and let me tell you something, pal, it ain't a cakewalk, okay?! Say goodbye to your privacy. You walk into a restaurant, everybody's gonna know who you are!
Johnny: Well, everyone knows everyone here, because there's only one restaurant.
Roland: I mean, just taking your boy for ice cream cone can turn into a media circus.
Johnny: Well, your son is 30, and you never see him.

Quote from Moira

Moira: I'm sorry, which rumour are you talking about?
Johnny: The one about me running for council.
Moira: No, that was about me, John. You were with me when Twyla said that. If this continues, I'll have to call a neurologist.

Quote from Stevie

Alexis: Is it hard for you?
Stevie: Uh, is what hard for me?
Alexis: Like, being by yourself here? Like, you're just totally okay to sit here all day by yourself?
Stevie: That's why I took the job.
Alexis: Mmm-hmm. Okay. And while you're here, by yourself, you never get this almost uncontrollable urge to talk to people, or be complimented, or..?
Stevie: I know everyone in this town, so for the most part, I would rather be here by myself than engage in meaningless conversation with people I don't care about.
Alexis: Totally. Mmhm And why is that?
Stevie: Because I enjoy my own company more.
Alexis: Of course. Of course.

Quote from David

David: Hmm. On a scale of one to I'm-gonna-get-beat-up by-an-angry-local, where do we see this look fall?
Alexis: Um, like, easy six.
David: Okay.

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Where are you going?
David: I am going to a sketchy bar on the outskirts of town.
Alexis: And nobody invited me?! You know how at home I am at sketchy bars!
Alexis: Who are you going with?
David: With Stevie, we're gonna meet some randoms. So um, when I go missing, just feel free to tell people that the last place I was seen was at a sketchy bar on the outskirts of town meeting randoms.
Alexis: Okay well, this isn't fair, David. I'm the one who should be at a sketchy bar meeting randoms. I'm the one who should go missing!

Quote from Johnny

Moira: I'm sorry, John, I just got swept up in it.
Johnny: No, no, listen as long as one of us is running, okay? That's the important thing. It doesn't matter which one of us is running. I thought it would be me, but then you talked me out of it! But that's okay!
Moira: Please, John, I'm going to need you every step of the way.
Johnny: And I'll be right behind you Moira, supporting you, because you're the one running, and I'm not!
Moira: How long are we going to be doing this?
Johnny: Oh, just a few more minutes, at least.

Quote from Stevie

Stevie: It's not usually this dead. It's like everybody saw you coming, and left.
David: Is this really what our lives have become? Sitting in some sad bar waiting to get laid?
Stevie: Well it's this, or the Internet.
David: Oh, I did have a match earlier. Um, who is 79 miles away.
Stevie: Well, if you start walking now, you'll get there before breakfast.

Quote from Stevie

Stevie: Oh, uh, I notice that man is no longer sleeping under the pool table.
David: Well, I'm surprisingly good at pool. So...
Stevie: Hmm. Wait a second, is this like a reverse hustle, where you say you're good, but you're actually terrible?
David: Um, I don't know.
Stevie: Do you wanna break?
David: Um, from what?
Stevie: Oh, this is gonna be fun.

Quote from Moira

Twyla: I hear congratulations are in order, Mrs. Rose.
Moira: Thank you, dear, for what?
Twyla: Oh, should I not say anything yet?
Moira: Well, you could say something, think of it as a clue.
Johnny: Not say something about what?
Twyla: Your wife's big announcement.
Moira: Again dear, clue!

Quote from David

David: Have you seen my black shoe? It's a lace up, probably lost in the sea of your dirty clothes?

Quote from David

David: Look at your things. Look at your life!
Alexis: I have been distracted!
David: Why is this wet? Ew!
Alexis: Because I kicked over a glass of water that you left on the floor.
David: I wasn't drinking water.
Alexis: Okay, so maybe it was mine, what difference does it make? Ugh!

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: Anyway, I need the room tonight, because I'm having a friend over.
David: What friend?
Alexis: Um, Twyla. We're gonna have a fun little sleepover.
David: Mmm-hmm. You and Twyla?
Alexis: Yeah, we're gonna do face masks, and we're gonna talk about boys that we both know, and have dated.
David: Um, have you spent more than five minutes with the girl, one on one? She could be a serial killer.
Alexis: Twy and I have tea together like, every day, David.
David: That she serves you at the cafe.
Alexis: Because we're friends.

Quote from David

David: Um, so then where is Twyla going to sleep tonight? Because I'd say she could stay under my bed, but your disgusting clothes are all stuffed under there. So just wondering, where she'd sleep.
Alexis: Stop doing that with your face!

Quote from Bob

Johnny: I'm talking about me. See, I've worked on a number of campaigns, and I was president of the Video Retailers Association.
Bob: Sure, and, uh, it might be a nice change of pace from banging your head against the wall here every day.
Johnny: Well, I'm not banging my head against the wall, but if I were to run, I'd need support from people like you.
Bob: Boy uh, so if you got this, that would mean we'd work together here at the garage, and on council? If I didn't know any better, I might think you had a crush on me!
Johnny: Well, that's- That's funny.
Bob: I'm only teasing.
Johnny: Yeah, I know, I know.
Bob: I don't mean to embarrass you.
Johnny: I'm not embarrassed!
Bob: You have no reason to be embarrassed. You're a happily married man.
Johnny: Oh my.
Bob: And so am I!

Quote from Alexis

Twyla: You know, when I broke up with Mutt, I just took a lot of alone time to rebuild, and regroup, and I just, I think it's so important.
Alexis: Yeah, and I'm doing the same kind of thing right now. 'Cause it's so important.
Twyla: All right, good. Because you know what they say, if you can't be by yourself, then you probably shouldn't be in a relationship.
Alexis: Mmm-hmm. I totally get that. But call me if you happen to get off work early. Twy? Call me if you get off work early!

Quote from Roland

Roland: Sorry, Johnny. I just had to reschedule my colonoscopy.

Quote from Roland

Johnny: Could I get a form, Roland? Please?
Roland: You know what? I'll do you one better, I'll give you the form, und your first signature.
Johnny: Oh, wow.
Roland: There you go. How 'bout that?
Johnny: Thank you.
Roland: You're very welcome.
Johnny: You signed under "Date."
Roland: Yeah, like that's going to make a difference.

Quote from David

David: Where are you going?
Stevie: None of your business!
David: Are you seeing someone?
Stevie: Not exactly.
David: Okay, you're sounding very sketchy right now.
Stevie: I'm going to a bar to meet someone.
David: Who?!
Stevie: I don't know yet.
David: Oh. So she's going to a bar to get laid, then. I see.

Quote from Stevie

Stevie: Uh no, she is going to a bar to have her needs met by some lovely gentleman she's yet to meet, who is cute enough to sleep with, but not nearly mature or stable enough to marry.
David: I want that.
Stevie: Well, you can't come. 'Cause everyone will think we're together.
David: Okay, I think you're giving yourself a lot of credit.
Stevie: I was being generous.
David: No, we're gonna be each other's wing people tonight. Uh, now, how diverse is the clientele at this local drinkery?
Stevie: I would say very diverse.
David: I can't remember what life was like before dating apps. I'm both excited and terrified for tonight.
Stevie: I don't think I ever said you could come.

Quote from Moira

Johnny: You know, it's, uh, it's a funny thing, there seems to be a rumour going around about me.
Moira: I heard that one, it's only because you converse with women easily, and you dress so well. I wouldn't give it another thought.
Johnny: What?

Quote from Moira

Moira: Well, there's no question about it. You'd be a godsend to council.
Johnny: Well, thank you sweetheart, I agree.
Moira: But they'll never know about it, because you have much bigger plans. Yes, I know, well I see you go into the office every day, pistons firing, you are full of ideas, and you haven't told me what they are yet, but I have every confidence that they are brilliant.

Quote from Moira

Johnny: Moira, being on council could leverage our position considerably in this town.
Moira: It's not worth it. You saw me struggle to get those modest planters for the motel. Trying to council to focus on the simplest thing is like wrangling monkeys!

Quote from Alexis

Alexis: So, Stevie you're a strong woman who's alone a lot. Like, I know you dated David, but everyone's allowed a mistake, am I right?
Stevie: You sound like my conscience.

Quote from Moira

Twyla: Yeah, a real election race could be fun.
Jocelyn: Absolutely, I mean, I wouldn't want anyone to think that I was just stepping into this, you know, because of Roland. Yeah, I mean, if any of you townies wanna put your name on the ballot, I think that's just a great idea.
Moira: That's the spirit. If Jocelyn can do it, anyone can.
Jocelyn: Yeah. Yeah.

Quote from Moira

Moira: Did you know Jocelyn is running?
Johnny: No, oh my God! This gets better and better. So the two of them on council together?
Moira: Is there a more frightening thought? They would have a virtual monopoly on this town.

Quote from David

David: Alexis is supposed to be meeting us here. She said she wasn't coming, but this is a bar, and she is single, so.
Stevie: Well, you should warn her that we are the only people here under sixty.
David: Yeah, it's not not brimming with options.
Stevie: No.


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