Ron Swanson: Who or what is Penny Saver?
Tom: It's a free circular with a bunch of coupons in it.
Ron Swanson: This was sent to Ron Swanson at Diane's address, where I've lived for less than a month. How is that possible? This is an extreme invasion of privacy.
[aside to camera:]
Ron Swanson: The right to privacy is very important to me. My family has had a single P.O. box for several generations. We only ever subscribe to two magazines, Reader's Digest and Ebony. Ebony was due to a clerical error, but it ended up being an interesting year of reading.

Ron Swanson: I don't see what the problem is. I will give you a certain amount of gold in exchange for a recreational vehicle.
Earl: I still need an address for insurance purposes.
Ron Swanson: This will be my new home. The address is wherever it is parked.

Todd: Leslie, you're down 15 points in the latest poll for the recall election. What can you do to make up the deficit?
Leslie Knope: I'll tell you what I'd do if I was an Eagletonian. I'd pop a Xanax and ask my butler to help me out. [laughter] I mean, I'm not saying that Eagletonians are out of touch. But when you tell 'em it's time to change their oil, they ask, "Extra virgin or white truffle?" [laughter] Thanks, guys. I'll see ya at the game. Unless, of course, you're an Eagletonian, and then you'll be too busy polishing your monocle at the caviar store. Knope out. [microphone feedback; laughter]

Ron Swanson: Okay, all public photos of me recovered. Nameplate removed from my office door. Pediatrician files confiscated and destroyed. Anything I'm missing?
Tom: Great news, Ron. Jean-Ralphio loves your shirt.
Ron Swanson: What the hell are you talking about?
Tom: Oh, I've been taking pictures of you all day for my new Facebook album: "RonSwan: Gettin' off the grid."
Ron Swanson: Tom, do you maybe see a problem with what you've done?
Tom: I do now. Yes, sorry.
Ron Swanson: Erase. Erase. Erase. [rubs Surface tablet] Erase all pictures of Ron! Erase all pictures of Ron! [video plays:] Erase all pictures of Ron! [talks] What the hell is happening?
Tom: I think you accidentally opened up Vine. You just vined your first selfie, Ron.
Donna: And I'm vining you vine your selfie.
Ron Swanson: The world is a nightmare.

Ron Swanson: Paul, if you ever see another one of these with my name on it, I want you to drive into the woods and bury it.
Paul: I don't decide who gets mail, sir. I just deliver it.
Ron Swanson: Passing the buck, the last refuge of the cowardly and black-hearted.
Paul: That seems harsh.
Ron Swanson: Get out!

Ron Swanson: JJ, a few months ago, I came in here and began eating eggs. They were delicious, so I ordered more. Before long, I believe I had eaten--
JJ: 51 eggs in 20 minutes. Couldn't cook 'em fast enough. The last ten were still in the shell.
Tom: It was a JJ's Diner record, and you took his picture. Now, we need that picture, for privacy reasons.
JJ: Okay, but I don't know how anybody would know it's you. We followed your instructions.
[The caption reads "Man"]
Ron Swanson: That's too much information. Let's go.
Tom: Where are we going now?
Ron Swanson: I've eaten a lot of food in a lot of restaurants. Why is everyone else so bad at eating?

Diane: Where have you been? I had a flat tire, and I've been trying to get in touch with you for hours.
Ron Swanson: Sorry, darling. I've been busy destroying most of my personal effects and threatening a postal worker.
Diane: Ron, I know you value your privacy, but you are a husband and a father now. You can't just roam the streets in an RV and be impossible to find.
Ron Swanson: I'm on a mission to get off the grid.
Diane: Well, you don't have to be entirely on the grid, but have to be on our grid.
Ron Swanson: I suppose you wouldn't consider moving. I've heard the school system in the tunnels beneath Yucca Mountain is adequate.
Diane: I love you, but your solution to every problem is to live inside a mountain.
Ron Swanson: I love you too.

Ann: [aside to camera] I helped April get into vet school in Bloomington and today's her orientation, so we're taking a little road trip. While I'm there, I'm also gonna pick up an organic baby blanket. I would get one in Pawnee, but fun fact: our only baby store is attached to a chemical refinery.

Ingrid de Forest: Thank you, Leslie, from all of us in Eagleton. Our citizens owe you a debt of gratitude.
Leslie Knope: Well, I think at the end of the day, everybody realizes it's something we have to do.
Ingrid de Forest: On the bright side, we did win the basketball game. I think you owe us some apples. You better pay up.
Leslie Knope: Oh, you don't want them. All of Pawnee's apples have been recalled, G. coli.
Ingrid de Forest: You mean E. coli?
Leslie Knope: I wish. Way easier to treat. Welcome to Pawnee!

Ben: Okay, here's the text for your speech. I added a few more jokes, slamming Eagleton at the end.
Leslie Knope: Mmm. That's the sexiest thing you've ever said to me. I'm so glad you're on my team.
Ben: Are you sure you wanna attack 'em at this press conference? It's a friendly wager on a high school basketball game.
Leslie Knope: I'm losing the recall election, Ben. Slamming Eagleton is the easiest way to score some points. Look. Am I proud of it? Yes. Because Eagleton sucks. But is it the classiest move? Yes, because Eagleton sucks. Would I do it again? Yes, because Eagleton sucks.