Ron Swanson Quote #372
Quote from Ron Swanson in Emergency Response
Ron Swanson: This is Ron. Go ahead, caller.
Woman: [on the line] Hi. My Yorkshire Terrier has chewed up the legs on my kitchen table. Is there a cheap way to repair that?
Ron Swanson: Great question. Take a walnut and rub it into the legs of your table. That'll mask the scratches. Next thing you want to do is ditch the Terrier and get yourself a proper dog. Any dog under 50 pounds is a cat, and cats are pointless. Come to the gala. Next caller. [cut] Grapes of Wrath, chocolate-chip ice cream, and Johnny Cash. [cut] Don't trust big banks or small banks. Banks are Ponzi schemes run by morons. [cut] Your house isn't haunted. You're lonely. [cut] Whatever happened to, "Hey, I have some apples. Would you like to buy them?" "Yes, thank you." That's as complicated as it should be to open a business in this country. [cut] I've seen three movies in my life: Bridge on the River Kwai, Patton, and Herbie Fully Loaded. My girlfriend's kids love it. It's pretty funny. Next caller.
Parks and Recreation Quotes
‘Emergency Response’ Quotes
Quote from Leslie Knope
Leslie Knope: [aside to camera] Well, the planning commission has a week to decide if they want a beautiful, innovative community park or a bunch of greasy lard bombs. I'm not editorializing. Paunch Burger's number-one-selling burger is the Greasy Lard Bomb.
Quote from Chris
Chris: Okay, casualty update. Only four dead, two of whom were already gravely ill and brothers. That family took a terrible hit.
Leslie Knope: Well, that's great news.
Leonard Tchulm: Not so fast. I regret to inform you that someone in this room has begun exhibiting symptoms, Christopher Traeger.
Leslie Knope: What?
[aside to camera:]
Chris: A few months ago, the thought of an infectious disease, even hypothetical, would have sent me careening towards Bummerville, but now I am infected with a killer virus, and I feel fine. Therapy!
Quote from Ron Swanson
Ron Swanson: Hello, again. I'm Ron Swanson, and I am still taking your calls, hopefully, about tonight's gala. You're on the air.
Man: [on the line] Hi, uh, what's wrong with Joan?
Ron Swanson: She has a bad hangover, which she is pretending is allergies.
Man: Is she gonna be okay?
Ron Swanson: Wouldn't know, never been hungover. After I've had too much whiskey, I cook myself a large flank steak, pan-fried in salted butter. I eat that, put on a pair of wet socks, and go to sleep.
Man: That works?
Ron Swanson: It does. Please call now if you have questions about tonight's gala or one of my other interests: woodworking, uh, novels about tall ships, meat, that sort of thing.