[fantasy:]
Kathy Cooper: Why are you always accusing us? Why don't you ever get mad at Adrian?
Danny Cooper: Yeah, you never even suspect him.
Kathy Cooper: Adrian never gets in trouble. Adrian is perfect. Adrian, Adrian, Adrian.
Adrian Monk: [enters to audience applause] Hey, Mom. Hey, Dad. Hey, Danny. Hey, Cathy. Hey, Billy. Hey, Janey. Sorry I'm late. I was busy at school because I'm so popular. Oh, guess what. I made the football team. [catches football] And guess what else. I'm the quarterback, the popular star quarterback. And nobody makes fun of me because I'm so popular.
Mrs. Cooper: That's wonderful, Adrian. Just don't throw the ball around the house.
Janey Cooper: Why not? The vase is already broken.
Mr. Cooper: I'm so proud of you, son. Thanks for being a wonderful boy.
Adrian Monk: You're welcome, Dad. And thank you for never driving away and leaving us forever. [they hug]
Mr. Cooper: I would never do such a thing. You don't have to worry about that.

[fantasy:]
Adrian Monk: Kathy, is there anything you'd like to say to mom and dad?
Kathy Cooper: Mom, Dad, I have a confession. Scamp broke your vase.
Mr. Cooper: Scamp?
Kathy Cooper: We didn't want to tell you. We were afraid you'd send him back to the kennel.
Mr. Cooper: I understand why you did what you did, but it's never right to lie.
Kathy Cooper: Sorry, dad.
Adrian Monk: Kathy, is there anything else you'd like to confess?
Kathy Cooper: I looked in Janey's diary.
Adrian Monk: No, no. You know what I'm talking about.

[fantasy:]
Mr. Cooper: I'm very disappointed in you.
Adrian Monk: It's not just Kathy! This whole family is wacko. It's all in her book. You know where she is now? She's in Miami dancing in a strip club.
Janey Cooper: What choice do I have? I have a baby to feed. Danny didn't send me any child support. I haven't seen a nickel.
Danny Cooper: Yeah, well, how do I know the kid's even mine, Janey?
Billy Cooper: What about me?
Adrian Monk: You got hooked on crystal meth. This was the last job you ever had.
Billy Cooper: Oh, Shucky Darns.
Adrian Monk: Do you hear that? What are they laughing at? What are you-
Mrs. Cooper: Mr. Monk, help me.
Adrian Monk: I'm not finished yet.
Natalie: [reality] Mr. Monk, help me, please!

Adrian Monk: Get back! Get back. Don't move. Stay there. Stay down, and just stay right there. You're in big, big trouble, young lady. That was from episode five, season two, "Grounded For Life." I used to love that one.

Bookstore Manager: Can I help you?
Adrian Monk: Yes. I would like to return this.
Bookstore Manager: Oh, I'm sorry. Was there a problem?
Adrian Monk: Yes, there was a problem. She's a whore.
Natalie: And she killed someone.
Adrian Monk: That too.
Bookstore Manager: I'm sorry you're disappointed. Here you go. [hands over change] Anything else?
Adrian Monk: Yeah, it's hardly worth mentioning. Do you remember when I said you could keep the change?
Bookstore Manager: How much was it?
Adrian Monk: Twelve cents.

Natalie: What?
Adrian Monk: They were the only family I had. Now I got nothing.
Natalie: That's not true, Mr. Monk. You have me. And you have Julie, and you have Randy, and the captain. We're your family.
Adrian Monk: It's not the same.
Natalie: Sure it is.
Adrian Monk: You don't say funny things.
Natalie: Sure we do.
Adrian Monk: Say something funny.
Natalie: Well, I can't just say something funny off the top of my head.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, Cathy Cooper could.
Natalie: Well, she had writers. OK, wait, wait, I got one. Knock, knock.
Adrian Monk: That's not funny.