Patrick Kloster: Mr. Monk. That's my piece, Mr. Monk.
Adrian Monk: I'm just centering it. You'll thank me later.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Don't do it.
Adrian Monk: Don't do what?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Break my heart. You're thinking about planting evidence in Kloster's house. Monk, I've been a cop for 30 years. I've had this conversation nine times. I never thought that I'd be having it with you. There's a line. You step across it, and you're gone for good. There's no going back.
Adrian Monk: You don't understand.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I do understand. I've been there. I've had cases like this, cases you couldn't shake. Sometimes you have to let it go.
Adrian Monk: Let it go?
Captain Stottlemeyer: We have to move on. There's a city- A city full of people. Other people that need our help right now.

Adrian Monk: Ah, I'm afraid you can't touch that. I'm sorry.
Woman #1: She was our niece.
Adrian Monk: Well, I'm a former police officer. And I'm afraid we have to borrow your niece, her remains, for a couple of days.
Woman #2: Borrow her?
Adrian Monk: Yes, we have to run some toxicology tests on the body.
Woman #1: Oh, my goodness.
Adrian Monk: No, no, no, we do it all the time. We're going to cut her open just- Just a little bit. And slice off a teeny tiny, tiny piece of her liver and her stomach, and maybe take a little, tiny, nearly imperceptible bit of fluid from her eyeball. Like on TV. Who likes TV?
Woman #1: But why?
Adrian Monk: The fact is we think she may have been poisoned.
Woman #2: But how did the poison get in the cable car?
Adrian Monk: What cable car?
Woman #1: The cable car that hit her. That's how Marjorie was killed.
Adrian Monk: Um, um, um...
Patrick Kloster: Mr. Monk, that's not my wife. My wife is right here. I had her cremated two hours ago. As you can see, I have anticipated your every move.
Adrian Monk: Cremated?
Patrick Kloster: Yes, I don't think your toxicology tests are gonna do much good, but you are welcome to try. Aw, I know that look. I've seen it quite often. That's how my opponents look when they know they've been beaten. Your move, Mr. Monk.

Natalie: Oh, my God. He's coming. What do we do? We should kiss. No! I didn't say that. I wasn't thinking. I never said that.
Patrick Kloster: Good morning. I thought you might be thirsty. Well, this is for you, Natalie. It's lemonade. And, Mr. Monk, I believe this is your brand. Oh, my books. I could autograph one for you.
Adrian Monk: No, thank you. No.
Patrick Kloster: Very well. I'll leave you two alone. Enjoy your little stakeout.
Natalie: Well, you have to admit, he's pretty good. What? He was right. I was thirsty.
Natalie: What?
Adrian Monk: How do you feel?
Natalie: Uh, I feel fine. What?
Adrian Monk: It just occurred to me. If there's poison in that lemonade, we could go to the D.A., and we'd have all the evidence we need.
Natalie: [spits out] It just occurred to you, and you didn't say anything? My God, Mr. Monk, I have never seen you like this. [pours the lemonade away]

Adrian Monk: What?
Natalie: Nothing. I was just thinking about the case and how you solved it. You really are amazing.
Adrian Monk: Well, thank you.
Natalie: No, you really are my hero.
Adrian Monk: Okay.
Natalie: I know this sounds crazy, Mr. Monk, but could I have your autograph?
Adrian Monk: Oh, please.
Natalie: Please, just to have it for myself, like a keepsake. Come on, it'll just take a second.
Adrian Monk: All right, if it really means something to you. Okay.
Natalie: Thank you.
Adrian Monk: That's Linda Kloster's check.
Natalie: Which you just endorsed. I'll be right back. I'm going to the bank.

Adrian Monk: "Payable to Natalie Teeger."
Natalie: My four favorite words.
[As Monk very carefully tears the check out of the book, Natalie has time to leave the room and return with a book and a drink]
Natalie: Thank you.
Adrian Monk: Thank you very much.
Natalie: Um, excuse me. Where's the rest of it? I worked Tuesday night, remember? That was overtime.
Adrian Monk: Oh, I thought you were just hanging out.
Natalie: No, Mr. Monk, I wasn't just hanging out. I spent seven hours reorganizing the utensil drawer. That was work.
Adrian Monk: But you said it was fun. I distinctly remember that. I said, "Isn't this fun?" And you said, "Uh-huh." So...
Natalie: You mean unless I'm complaining, you're not going to pay me? Is that the new rule?
Adrian Monk: Even if I wanted to, I've already torn it out of the checkbook.
Natalie: Yeah, so you just void it out. Void. Write "void." And then you just write another one.
Adrian Monk: Natalie, I can't do that. I wish I could. If it were up to me-
Natalie: Of course it's up to you.
Adrian Monk: I need you to use your inside voice.
Natalie: What- Oh, my God! God!
Adrian Monk: I'm a little short of cash right now, okay? But I'm good for it. You know I'm good for it. Just keep track-
Natalie: Yeah, I have been keeping track. It's over $1,800, Mr. Monk.
Linda Kloster: [enters] I'm sorry, the door was open. I thought I heard screaming.
Natalie: Oh, no, that's just me. I scream every payday.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Forget about him. Look, just get a cruiser out there. Park it out front until further notice.
Natalie: You can't arrest him for anything?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, apparently there's no law against giving your wife the willies.
Lieutenant Disher: Captain, we just got a call.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Okay.
Lieutenant Disher: You better put down the cup.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Just tell me who called.
Lieutenant Disher: Just put the cup down, or finish it, or drink half of it.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Why?
Lieutenant Disher: Because you're probably gonna drop it, I'm gonna have to clean it up. Just have a sip. How 'bout a sip? [Stottlemeyer puts the cup down] Linda kloster's dead. Her housekeeper just found her. [Stottlemeyer throws the cup against the wall]

Captain Stottlemeyer: Look, you don't seem to understand. This Patrick Kloster thing is a big, bad headline just waiting to happen. Now I know that you're upset. I know that this case is very important to you. But we need real hard evidence. Maybe if you found some powder already ground up in a little bottle inside his house. Maybe then.
Adrian Monk: In a bottle? Right, we wouldn't even need his fingerprints. We could just say he wore gloves.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What'd you say?
Adrian Monk: Nothing. Nothing.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Can I talk to you for a minute? Come here, I want to show you something.
Adrian Monk: What is it?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Down the hall there's a sign I think is a little crooked. I want your opinion.
Adrian Monk: Crooked. I'll be right back.

[As Julie talks to Eric Travela:]
Adrian Monk: What's she doing?
Natalie: She's, uh, she's flirting.
Adrian Monk: She's good at it.
Natalie: Shut up.
Adrian Monk: She's definitely done this before.
Natalie: Okay.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, she's got it down.
Julie Teeger: Mom, you remember my friend Eric. I told him about the case. And about how you think Mr. Kloster killed his wife.
Eric Tavela: I believe it too. Congratulations. You're player number one.

Adrian Monk: Can I help you?
Linda Kloster: My name is Linda Kloster. My husband is Patrick Kloster.
Adrian Monk: Patrick Kloster the chess player.
Natalie: I was just reading about him. He's some sort of super genius, like off the charts.
Linda Kloster: Yes, Patrick has an I.Q. of 180. Four points higher than Albert Einstein's.
Adrian Monk: What can I do for you?
Linda Kloster: Well, it's my husband. He's gonna kill someone.
Natalie: How do you know?
Linda Kloster: He told me. He talks about it all the time. He says he has a perfect plan. He says it's foolproof. And that he'll never get caught.
Adrian Monk: And did he say who he's going to kill?
Linda Kloster: Yes. It's me. He's gonna kill me.