Manny: You two need each other. It's what drives you.
Earl: The kid is right. Beating you is half the reason I get out of bed. Locking horns. We made each other better than I ever thought we could be.
Jay: Pushed each other to greatness.
Earl: We touched the sky.
Manny: We're talking about closets here, right?
Jay: Oh, I'm sorry, you mean the sanctuary where a man dons his armor in the morning and takes stock of the battle at night?!
Earl: The one thing we all have in common; presidents to postmen, tycoons to teachers, from sea to shining sea!
Manny: This is taking a weird turn.

Jay: [aside to camera] David Soul played Hutch in "Starsky and Hutch." Now, one of my groovier closet ideas was a hutch for your skis that latched onto the end of your closet. I called it the "Storeski End Hutch." David Soul gave me a signed picture. Well, one day, the picture disappears and Earl plays innocent. But the whole time, he's had it. Ironically, this would've been a great episode in "Starsky and Hutch."

Haley: Look, everyone's taking this whole thing way too seriously. When my daughter has her first Shark Week, we're just gonna laugh about it. That's what girls want. I mean, it is bananas what happens down there every month. Only good thing is, it reminds me to pay my bills. Oh, that's why my credit card keeps getting denied.

Haley: Hey, bitch.
Lily: [o.s.] Haley's here?!
Haley: That's right. And cheer up. You're missing the whole silver lining in all of this. A period is a Get Out Of Jail Free card for everything. Didn't study for a test? "Oh, wah. I have cramps." Don't want to go to gym class? "Sorry... lady problems." Wanna eat a whole sheet cake? Shut down a bad date? Smuggle some weed into a concert in your tampon box? Ain't nobody looking in there.
Lily: What is wrong with you?!

Manny: Lily? Step-Uncle Manny's here. Cherish this. You've been given the ability to create life. Each cramp, each migraine should remind you...
Lily: [o.s.] Get the [bleep] out of here, Manny!
Manny: Take care, everybody.