Manny: You two need each other. It's what drives you.
Earl: The kid is right. Beating you is half the reason I get out of bed. Locking horns. We made each other better than I ever thought we could be.
Jay: Pushed each other to greatness.
Earl: We touched the sky.
Manny: We're talking about closets here, right?
Jay: Oh, I'm sorry, you mean the sanctuary where a man dons his armor in the morning and takes stock of the battle at night?!
Earl: The one thing we all have in common; presidents to postmen, tycoons to teachers, from sea to shining sea!
Manny: This is taking a weird turn.

Jay: [aside to camera] David Soul played Hutch in "Starsky and Hutch." Now, one of my groovier closet ideas was a hutch for your skis that latched onto the end of your closet. I called it the "Storeski End Hutch." David Soul gave me a signed picture. Well, one day, the picture disappears and Earl plays innocent. But the whole time, he's had it. Ironically, this would've been a great episode in "Starsky and Hutch."

Phil: Gloria, we're above that. But not everyone would be. You should put that beauty in your garage.
Auntie Alice: I don't have one.
Phil: Oh, really? Just out of curiosity, do you not have a garage because you converted it into the guesthouse where your grandson's currently showering?
Auntie Alice: What's your game, mister?
Phil: I just find it interesting that you have a fully plumbed stand-alone dwelling on your property.
Auntie Alice: That's none of your business.
Phil: Even more peculiar, your grandson appears to live here, but judging by his T-shirt, he goes to Eden Mills High, an elite public school 12 miles outside of your district. Oh, maybe with the money you saved on private schools, you paid for the new two-sided brick fireplace I saw, which hasn't been legal since 1988.
Gloria: Go, Phil, go!
Phil: Pull the sauce, Big Al, or Monday morning, the city's here with a bulldozer, and your grandson goes to a school with a metal detector.
Auntie Alice: How do you know all this? What are you- Some kind of real-estate agent?
Gloria: No. He's a Realtor. There is a difference somehow!

Gloria: That's Auntie Alice's new sauce! She stole my recipe! I know. I am the crazy Colombian that always loses her temper and needs to be calmed down by the white people.
Phil: No! I don't think you're being crazy enough. I'm not a violent man, but I know how nuts it can make you to create something special only to have it stolen from you. Do you remember a hit song called "Happy?"
Gloria: Yeah, it was like a couple of years ago with the clapping and the hat.
Phil: A couple of years ago, huh? So a full four years after this burst on the scene.
Phil: [on video] Because I'm snappy Snap with me if you think that today is a good day That's right, I'm snappy Snap with me if you took a test and you go-o-t an A You see, I'm snappy...
Phil: Sounds just a little similar, right?
Gloria: A little, but-
Phil: Thank you!
Gloria: But do you think that he saw this?
Phil: Um, it had 27 views. Come on. We're going down to that market to make that old bat cease and desist. I will not stand idly by while Auntie Alice Pharrell Williamses you.

Cameron: Yeah, it's a painful story.
Manny: I get it. Some things are better left unsaid.
Cameron: Her name was Tina Day. We were just friends, but I was so into asking her, I rented a white stallion and a suit of armor. I wanted it to be a whole "Knight and Day" theme. I was promposing before it was even a thing. I rode up her driveway, and I could see when she opened the door through the little slits in my helmet what her answer was gonna be. She wanted a traditional prom night with a guy she could lose her virginity to. I couldn't blame her. I wanted the same thing.